I LOVE THIS SONG. According to you - Orianthi

I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him
I'm funny,irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you
I'm boring
I'm moody
You can't take me any place

According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away
I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with it
According to you
According to you

But according to him
I'm beautiful,incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
like I'm not hated
Oh, no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay

According to me
you're stupid
you're useless
you can't do anything right

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you [you, you]
According to you [you, you]

According to you
I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

mahjong blues.

I just won $40 (or $39.60 to be precise) from a 20 cents-40cents mahjong game.

I have zhi mo 4 4-double peng wu games and 1 6-double half-colour game.

so that brings it to a grand total of 5 zhi mos.

Nobody wants to play with me anymore =(

The (not so) simple things

Having so many house parties in such a short span of 2 weeks is madness, with two being in the same week. And I can only come to one conclusion at the end of it all:

I HATE VODKA.

Baileys ftw!

There's some stuff in my life now that I can't put into words. Stuff like feelings. It's a dangerous mixture of both positive and negative, overlapping each other and swallowing each other up. But one thing I do know is that I'll get my answer soon.

And in the meantime, thanks for being there through everything, even if it means that you might get hurt in the end.

Although, just because I have upgraded you from 25% to 30% doesn't mean that you can get cocky anytime soon ;)

Its kind of funny how just 4 months ago I would not see, nor even imagine that I would be in this situation now. And you know, its even funnier when I think of my first impression of you. Irony really comes back to bite you in the ass.

And I think that I'm going mad. There are times when I catch myself looking at you and my brain just short-circuits (pun intended!) and I can't come up with an intelligent comeback to insult you. And then you'd go "Awwww come on that was WEAK."

Shut up asshole.
You should feel honored enough just by my sheer presence!
Chiu noob.

So, in a nutshell, for my future reference should I wonder how the hell I got into this,
logic says : "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"
something that I can't define says : "THIS IS PHE-NO-MEN-AL!"

" J'veux ton amour
You and me could write a bad romance "

shit. now I've got a bloody headache.

watson, we have a problem

Christmas was rather unusual this year because instead of staying at home with everyone, my dad, my 2 sisters and I went to catch Sherlock Holmes.

IT WAS PHENOMENAL. (even though we missed the first 10 minutes)

But the aftermath was not as phenomenal.

After the movie something in the air made me choke and I felt my lungs constrict on me so terribly like a python had tightened for a kill. Jesus Christ.

I've had these experiences many times before but this one was by far the worst because it took me so long in order to breathe normally again on top of the fact that I did not want to alarm my family and tried my best to act normal and keep a straight face while keeping quiet considerably because its hard to talk while taking a breathe only once every 30 seconds or so.

I seriously thought I was going to pass out.

Or, worst case scenario, I'd eventually have to tell someone and everyone will panic which will stress me out even more and make it more difficult to breathe, but I'd get rushed to hospital anyway where hopefully, someone can help me.

Geez this sucks to terribly. I think I've just killed half my brain cells due to lack of oxygen for the past 30 minutes. I feel so terribly light-headed.

nightmares.

Sometimes dreams do come true. Not in the Princess Diaries way, but rather the horrible ominous propheteric type. And its times like these when I realize that I can be such a real bitch.

But, if I'm not, then, everything's going to lose control.

Merry Christmas and jingle boobs

It's Christmas Eve and I'm looking forward to AWESOME FOOD and family reunions.

This Christmas may be a little different from others, but hey, I'm thinking it may be 2x as awesome =)

But I just can't make a sound,

Some memories are just undisputably precious.

Cycling for lunch, sitting at the same bench in the most unrefined manner and trying to climb low trees while looking like an idiot to passerbys, making shapes out of clouds, taking pictures, and later, sitting at the break water, sipping ice lemon tea and running away from SEA COCKROACHES.

Doing the monkey bars, trying to do sit-ups of all kinds and failing at it, trying to run from the rain...

Thanks.

And today,

Watching KC get piss high, snuggling for warmth under the comforter against the efforts of KC's merciless airconditioner, watching others get high, having moments where, even if everything goes wrong like spilling vodka 3 times, the large Sprite once, and the Coke once, you can share a moment and burst into silly smiles. When you wake up, and see 7/10 love staring back at you.

It's all very ... sublime.

Even just by sitting at the amphitheatre and eating KC's prepared meal for the 5 of us, awesome-looking portobello mushroom burgers and smoked salmon and all, as the drizzle kissed the cheeks of fellow unlucky passerbys...

I pray I never forget them.

results blues

stupid nus myisis won't let me connect. Blargh..

I wanna see my ressuuullltssssss

wtf moments

It has always amused me how people can have msn nickname wars (guilty) and now, I am more amazed by facebook.

Whoever threw the word subtle out of the dictionary?

If you are upset with me, trash it out right here, right now with me because I am disgusted at this kind of behaviour.

Do not refer to me as 'one person'. I HAVE A NAME.

We'll have Halloween on Christmas

Orchard road during Christmas = awesome sales but madness.

And out of that madness, I managed to attain 8 shopping bags. Bravo!

I'm such a procrastinator this Christmas but I can't wait to start wrapping up stuff and preparing gifts =))

the bluest of skies

Shutting your eyes for a few minutes seems to get rid of headaches really fast, surprisingly.

In any case, I'm still lazy to update on the cave activities in detail. Currently, I'm just nua-ing and listening to Akon's "beautiful". I think I have quite a bit to think about and being away from Singapore for those few days have helped a lot.

The experience had certainly been extremely surreal, almost peaceful. Though there were moments whereby I thought, "Shit, I want to go home", I think that given the right people, I would not have minded staying there for a few more days. Being away from the city really touched a part of me that appreciated the small things in life.

Fresh air. Good food. Banana leaves to line your plates. Huts. Freaking ice cold shower that made me bath super duper fast. The smell, sights and sounds of the old life. Annoying but paradoxically, cute leeches. I love it all.

And here I am back in the city with

Bad air. Not-as-awesome food. Oil to line my plates. Concrete. Hot baths that are awesome. The familiarity of old problems. Sights, sounds, smell. Simply annoying Human leeches. I know I'm back.

But hey, to the 4 of you who have made my recent life very enjoyable and interesting, I'm going to kidnap all of you and drag you back there. I'm sure that 3 out of 4 of you will love it. =)
Sorry Nicole, I think you'd be complaining a lot HAHA!

And I also think, if you're there with me away from all the distractions and the 'what ifs' of everything, the moral issues, we'll be able to come to a conclusion from all our endless and looping conversations. Maybe not the two of us, but I guess its more for me.

But I guess I can only keep dreaming.

Ipoh, you feel so distant...

Excess

I don't know if its the alchohol or the excess of sleep but I'm betting that it is the latter that's giving me a damn bad headache now.

After all, it's only ridiculous that a few sips of alchohol can give a headache this bad.

I would blog about the Gua Temarang Caving Trip that I've just come back from but I'm just too tired, too sleepy, and basically, my brain is fried.

And I think Japanese exam tomorrow = GG.

Christmas balls

I have never felt so tired in a long time.

Apart from my abs hurting from gym, I was effectively on my feet from 11am to 6.30pm, climbing stairs and mooching around town by myself. Now, what would a 19-year old student on vacation be doing?

Christmas shopping, of course.
And its not just my list. As usual, I have to do Christmas Shopping for other people.

Anyway, the weirdest thing happened to me. After a very satisfying Takoyaki lunch and armed with ToriQ dinner, I was walking past the Thai Embassy when I felt so light-headed for a split second, I swear if my reflexes weren't fast enough, I would have collapsed. Instead, I settled for a stumble. That was seriously the weirdest shit that has happened to me in a while.

On lighter matters (no pun intended), I was seated on the only ever bench in the whole of Orchard Delfi towers on the 3rd floor, right outside a wedding boutique called 'The Wedding Veil' and eating my ToriQ dinner. It felt totally disjunct. Here I am surrounded by super duper atas shops that I would never dream of even stepping into to browse, and I'm sitting on the bench looking like some vagrant, eating my what-looked-like-a pathetic lunch box dinner. And it didn't help that there was a groom-to-be sitting in the shop, right at the entrance in full view of me, staring at me while drinking water from a wine glass.

Yes, you heard me. Wine Glass.

And here I am with a plastic box, sauce smeared all over my lips, wearing my old baggy white tshirt that said OMG! and suffering from a severely bad hair day. Oh, and did I mention that I felt so awkward that I had on me at that time the most bizarre expression with my eyes bugged out? I seriously felt like those deers on the highway that's caught in a car's headlights.

Oh, and today, I think my wonderful father moved the Christmas tree because it became the leaning tower of Pisa. Yes, my Christmas tree is so huge that its taller than me and cannot support its own weight so every year we have to tie the top part of the tree to the staircase to make it look straight. And my dear father moved it towards the staircase after I had already adjusted the tree the other day so it became limbek again. Just great.

And it doesn't help that this year, my dearest mother had decorated the tree with a lot of dangerous ornaments.

Definition of dangerous:
1) not hanging on the tree, just balancing on the branches
2) Glass
3) Very thin and brittle plastic
4) Oh, did I mention glass?
5) Expensive (Like $4 per piece!? Every year she spends like $200-$300 on the tree cause she changes the theme)
6) GLLLLAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS!

so, no surprise that when I was cutting the slack ribbon that I used to tie the tree to the staircase in an impossible knot (I think I knotted it 10 times over or something), one of my mother's Christmas Balls slipped and dropped onto the ground.

And then it became like the Matrix.

Me, holding the tree up, scissors in one hand, ribbon in the other, wearing my turqoise night kimono, watching the ball drop slowly to the floor. And ever so slowly, my mind started to form the words "nnnnnnnooooOOoooOoOOoOOoOoo!!!!!"

It hit the ground once. THUCK. Then it went up into the air again. And then I had a choice : let go of the tree and grab it before it hits the ground again, or just watch. I tried to go with option (1) but when I let go of the tree just a little, the whole thing swayed dangerously (yes, with all the bloody ball's other expensive friends).

The ball hit the ground a second time. THUUUUCCCKK.

And I thought: OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT ITS GOING TO BREAK THE 3RD TIME!!!

Wooopeedoo. It did. With a very painful PRAAAAAK! And it still had the gale to roll beneath the low shelf and roll out after that, a large broken hole gaping out at me.

That stupid round glass Asshole. I just broke my mother's ball. Shit.

Bye-bye $4+++.

Time to pack for my trip. I'm psyched ;)
And the people yesterday at the meeting seemed friendly enough.

OH YEAH!!! I MET SARA AGAIN!!! THAT COOL GIRL THAT WAS IN JUDO WITH ME AND LEFT CJ AFTER FIRST THREE MONTHS!!!
Coincidences are just scary.

Revelation of a lifetime

I found out stuff today that I would not have ever known in my whole lifetime if I did not go out today. And I'm grateful for that.

I KNEW that things could not be so simple! Because if they were, then, I honestly will be damn annoyed at the whole situation because its just so damn stupid and childish. I spent 19+ years wondering.

19 FUCKING YEARS.

And of all people, the person that's been harping so much on it and blaming the other party is actually the one more guilty than the other.

Seriously, I don't know what to think. It's like being told your whole entire life that you're a human, only to find out 19+ years later that you're actually an alien from outer space. I honestly don't know what is real and what isn't anymore. But, I do know one thing: that I'm glad I actually found out the truth, even if its extremely ugly.

And you know, its funny, I don't want blame anyone.

I can actually fully accept and understand everything. Because the pieces are all coming together now.

The snippets of memories from 4,5 and 6 years old. The old photos I stumbled across by accident. The wedding photo. Their behaviour. The mind games. The letter from secondary 2 camp. I can finally understand it all.

How many bloody times have I stared at that wedding photo and thought, they looked so happy its almost alien?

I fucking finally understand why she is so against love. Why she thinks I will never understand love, why she thinks all my relationships are never going to work out, why she's selfish sometimes and seeks our attention unshamelessly even when its obviously the wrong methods, even if it involves hurting someone.

Egoistical but yet Sentimental. Likes power, and sucks at showing feelings. I'll never forget that. Because it is so apt.


But at the same time, its dislocating me. I wonder what is better - to be born only to disappoint people based on my sex or to be born out of temporary happiness?

If its the first, I've accepted it. If its the second, I'm satisfied enough.

(Dumdum want some gumgum) xD

this is super random, but I just discovered the wonders of my webcam HAHAHAHA!!!

Save the last dance

Wake up, suit up, this is your solo now.

Being in a relationship is just like a Salsa dance. You first start with a partner, the music plays, high or low, the dance goes on fast or slow. The guy leads but he may choose to dip you or to turn you around and grab you back. He may be passionate or he may be nonchalant.

Either way, the dance must end. The music dies or the dancer collapses and totally leaves the dance floor of life. In either case, this is when your solo starts.

I think I have enough strength to face the facts and accept it wholeheartedly. The flaws, I accept. The plus points, I accept. And nobody will move on if nobody takes the first step. So I will be the one to take the first step.

It's been a great 5 years, honestly. There were many ups and few downs. The ups made me want to reach the ceiling and the downs, hit the floor. But ultimately I know now that I can look back and appreciate them both.

Whether you read this or not, I just want to say,

Thanks.

For everything. - the memories, the experiences, for being part of my life. =)
But this is where your solo and mine starts.
And I wish you all the best.

Blink 182. (IMY)

There's just so many emotions rushing at me at once that I can't really focus on a single one. I probably could name all of them but I won't.

And none of them are positive.

I read something on facebook today. Something about toast. And someone told me something about how relationships are just like a decayed tooth. When you go for an extraction, it hurts like fuck and you start to wonder if you had made the right choice in doing so. You hesitate, you think about how easy it is just to continue to leave it there and just not look yourself in the mirror. And once the tooth is gone, the pain becomes something that is very numb. Even if many years after that the pain is gone, your tongue will roll over that empty spot, remember that feeling of something missing, and learn to ache all over again.

The truth of that statement is really indisputable.

Even just hours after, I still wonder if my choices were right. I wonder how long it would take for the pain to go away. And somewhere deep down, I feel the numbness creeping out all over again from the cage which I locked it up in immediately after As.

During dinner I got so pissed off, I amazed myself. It's been a while since I have felt so angry to the extent that I want to flip tables and morph into Godzilla, trample over the little people running away screaming on the ground, and snap at all those annoying aircrafts and helicopters with their damn search lights. When was the last time that I got so pissed off?

I bet I looked something like this. Just eating. Which probably made me look a lot worse.


And I thought I had good self-control.

The Aftermath

I experienced another random moment today when I was going up the escalator from the underpass to the bus interchange at AMK. When I was going up, there was this muscular guy leaning at the railing, looking down at the escalator and texting on his phone. But hey, that was not the part that caught my attention.

The part that caught my attention was the little Mr. Hungry hanging from his phone. Instantly, this thought flashed through my head: "OMG SOOOOO CUTE!" For some reason, when you add big-sized muscular guy to something from our childhood which girls would normally squeal over such as Mr Hungry, it seems so incongruous. But yet, at the same time, it makes you go "awwwwww" .

One of the many mysteries of life that I will never figure out.

Another mystery would be how my brain spazzes out and dies during interviews. It happened today oh-so-many times. You would think that I did not understand English from the number of times I had to ask my interviewer to repeat her question or to further clarify it. Damn. And I think I didn't make much sense too. I really hope I get through...AAAAAgh.

But hey, at least the $1 mini Okonomiyaki cheered me up a great deal after that (:

It never ceases to amaze me how I can kill 30 minutes of my time by wandering around and drooling at food. I must look like such a pig sticking my nose against the glass of food displays with twinkling eyes. I bet I must have looked like the Matchstick girl in the old Christmas story who presses her nose against the window of the house that was roasting a turkey and feeling miserable because she cannot get any Turkey and she's so cold and poor.

As for me, I was not cold but I was poor as hell.

So we have the 1st prize, the 2nd prize, now comes the 3rd prize : the mystery of the waving boys.
After driving today, I boarded the 138 and sat at the 2nd last row. Along the way I actually dozed off and when I got off the bus, I looked up and saw the 3 guys around my age in the back row smiling and waving at me. I was like wtf? I have a few theories about this:

A. I snored in the bus when I was asleep
B. I snored and slept-talked about something embarrassing
C. They stole something from me while I was asleep
D. I opened my mouth when I slept
E. They liked my Geseho jacket
F. One of them liked me

Option F is just a wild guess so I'm ruling that out. As for option C, I immediately checked my bag and everything is intact! As for the other options, well, thats the 3rd prize mystery for you. I swear I was so stunned la.

On a more cheerful note, my new driving instructor is sooooo awesome!!! I felt the power of driving a car when my instructor helped me horn at some asshole who cut my lane! HEHEHEHEHEHEE. And he's soooo much better in the sense that he's super alert when I do something wrong and hey, he does not fall asleep halfway while I'm driving. =\

I'm still thinking and not really getting anywhere about my situation. Memories stop me from throwing down the final gauntlet and it's kinda messing up what I feel now and what I felt maybe, 2 and 1/2 years ago. But I think, this tempest should end soon. The dust has to settle eventually whether I like it or not, anyway. Worst comes to worst, I will just stand alone.

And, I love facebook suaning sessions HAHAHAHA! Beach beach beach here I come (:

Drinking is contagious, has its advantages

Things have been crazy lately and I'm pretty much trying to piece everything together into a more coherent picture for myself.

But before I actually venture into such a dangerous area, I must say something:

I officially hate absolut vodka (pure) for at least the next month or so.

Well, imagine this. 2 heartbroken and very emotionally frustrated girls + 1 psychotic birthday girl + 2 gay boys in a very small residence room. Throw in a bottle of absolut vodka, a bottle of baileys, 3 packets of chips, a deck of plastic cards that are fur hard to pick up, sleeping bags and ice. Oh, and the occasional taohuey that makes its DRAMATIC ENTRANCE (cough cough! accident asshole cough cough!).

What? I'm sorry? Did you say you'd reach earliest 11.45pm?

Anyway, all that =

DRINKING GAMES.

which =

PUKING.

I puked 3 times and it was so not pretty. And that was already with Pochi drinking the last few cups of my penalties. But seriously, it was so totally fucked up. We were playing Kings and I was drinking EVERY SINGLE ROUND. This is totally possible when you're Psychotic Birthday girl's maid, Pochi's maid and Pochi is Tarzan's maid and Tarzan is BigBoob's maid so if anyone along that line gets it, you get it . And that makes everyone in the room.

wtf. HAHAHAHA.

but, I felt SO MUCH BETTER AFTER PUKING. Then after puking, there was a role reversal and I had to attend to the other pukers. But you know, they made me laugh so hard that day that I seriously felt so much better after that. For that period of time, I even forgot everything that I was feeling.

Which brings me to the 2nd matter - why I was even feeling shitty.

To myself in the future when I read this post again: Don't forget your reasons. Right now I daresay that I am pretty much assured of my stand and it will not change for any reason in the near future. However, should you ever feel that you can compromise, please don't. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how tempting it is, no matter how you are so afraid of being alone. There will be days when you wish that he is there, nights when you wish he would be there to hug you, but as many nights or days those may be, there is an equal number of days that you do get frustrated and wonder to yourself if this is really all there is to it. I am sure - okay, maybe not so sure, but I SPECULATE, that there will always be someone better suited, and even a friendship with him will just be equally as awesome. Of course when he gets another girlfriend you are going to kick yourself so hard and probably call her names behind his back like FatCow or something, but, hey, its normal.

Don't let your heart waver.

And I'll just quote someone's msn nickname I saw that day: "Live.Life.Let go."

And hey, if it REALLY is meant to be, then, only time can tell. But you'll know it when it happens.

Also, on a side note, straight boys who act gay seriously crack me up. :D