Take a bow

Past few days have been filled with nothing but dance.
Everyday its about minimum 8 hours of dance. Yesterday was more than 12 hours.

Am I dying?
Not so.

But am I in pain?
Definitely.

For those who don't know, I've been dancing full out so much that I might have damaged my left knee ligament cause there's probably internal bleeding already (according to the doc in my house). And this just pisses me off even more. I'm not so much upset, just bloody pissed.

Pissed off at myself for being so incompetent. I can't believe something meager like this is actually going to get in my way of doing the best I can. I feel constipated. I want and I need to dance fullout because dancing fullout and knowing that I can inspires me and makes me happy irregardless of how tired it makes me.

But now because of this I can't.

And lots of people are coming to me and telling me that I should just give it up because if I strain it anymore, I could tear my ligament and it'd have lifetime implications. I wish I could agree with them sensibly. But something is keeping me away from rationality and I can't explain it.

Maybe its cause I know that after I graduate from CJ, I'll probably never be able to dance again - even leisurely.

Ryan was right. What are we trying so hard for? Tiring out our bodies, shedding so much sweat and going through the mental pressure and torture of getting everything together?

It's only for that One Moment. The Curtain Call.

For those who have taken part in a stage production, you would understand. For those who don't, in the future you might.

So for those who have been telling me to rest and pull out of the concert, I'm sorry. I can't do that to myself. I'd rather risk injuring myself and going for a knee operation where i'd have to lie in bed for 3 months than dying with regrets scattered throughout my life.

Because that's proof to myself of my existence.

So, let's give the audience a rocking time on Saturday, hey dancers?

Take a bow.

gawsh.

Maths paper was amusingly horrifying.

Pure Maths: Confirm Near full marks.

Statistics: Confirm No marks.

LOL.

Quote of the day: Ah gut an ulthur on ny tung!~ (I got an ulser on my tongue!) Poor Sammy.

Thought of the day: That 1 hr sleep during Maths Exam had such nice dreams =)

oh my!

Someone once said that there are no ugly women in the world. Only lazy ones.

However there are times when you DO feel lazy and it occurred on Tuesday. My hair was in a mess and I didn't even bother to put on contacts. It was... like you were magically transformed into a different person.

I would walk by people and say hello and they would ask me "who are you" or stare at me blankly, trying to muster up a weak smile out of sheer politeness while their brain did the mental gymnastics of figuring out who I was. And when they did, their first reaction would always be "OMG! I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU AT ALL! "

Yeah. It's like a totally new world.

And! Nobody looks at you. I swear! Even the most teekopek uncle or the most deprived guy in the world wouldn't give you as much as a second's glance. It was.. oddly relieving. I could sit any chor lor way I wanted at the bus stop and wolf down my beloved Ramly burger in such a vile and unfeminine barbaric behaviour and noooobody, I repeat, noooobody would give a damn because they EXPECT such behaviour from someone so physically unpleasant already.

Well, in comparison to if you saw a drop-dead gorgeous babe and she suddenly pulls out a ramly burger and devours it like she hasn't seen food for a century with sauce all over her fingers and around her mouth. Unglam.

So yeah, I could even flash my butt and nobody could care.
Er, not that I have any insane urge to - but metaphorically speaking.

Welcome to the world of the Uglies!

Oh, and I have a Maths paper in a few hours. Hehhh. Gonna fail.

P.s: Am so insanely in love with music mash-ups now!!!! OMG!!

How odd.

I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top

She's got a body like an hourglass it's tickin' like a clock

It's a matter of time before we all run out...

It's weird.

One moment so obscenely happy - the next, so exquisitely sad. And note, the incongruity of the word "exquisite". I wonder if I'm actually judging myself objectively.

I declare that it's all your fault you horrible person. But thankfully, the FatCat emerged halfway and gave a big bitch-slap to that damn emo-kid inside me while Gwen Stephani cheered her on with her mocking : "What 'cha waiting for!.. ticktockticktock!" in my ears.

Ugh. And I can't believe I was so confused to the point where the water in my body got so confused they jumped out of my bloodflow and collected in my eyes. Yeesh.

Dam you. Dam you. Daaaam youuuuuu...

But you made me half-remember something today. Which is good and bad at the same time. Good, because I'm slowly remembering everything. Bad - because, you're going to throw me back into the past again after I've struggled so hard to crawl back out of it.

Aaaaarghh dam you.

And ironically, I can't even bring myself to really damn you so I'm only half-damning you with the minus of the "n". Sigh. I have no freaking idea what fate has in mind... looks like when I don't try, I get results. Stupid fate. I'll make sure the last words I utter on my deathbed (or floor) will be

"I'M COMING FOR YOU, YOU SON-OF-A-"

And on a lighter note, I went to thread my face today and finally met a beautician who isn't pushing me to buy any products. Thank god for that. Hurt like hell as usual, though. She also commented that I can tahan pain well cause I didn't seem to be showing any signs of pain on my face HAHA! I think I'm desensitized to pain already. Except however, if you throw in a needle then perhaps Singapore might find a new record-breaking runner. Oh yeah, and she said my Chinese sounded weird HAHA!!! NO SURPRISE THERE!

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change

Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change

Well, I'm feeling slightly better now but your CB face is still stuck in my head. Urgh. And I hope to see your CB face at Dance Concert too, you stupid CB.

Quote of the day: (by jason) " Laughter is contagious but when it comes to you, you STERILISE laughter "

Thought of the day: My bras keep denting inwards (even the new ones). I think Aunty Anna is committing the fatal mistake of PINNING my bras up with clothes pegs....No freaking wonder they spoil so fast!

Wasted

And iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii feel as if I'm wasted~

Supper supplied by the parent volunteers are the sex!
Thank youuuuu!!!! You saved my tummy from dying of lack of lunch and dinner!!!

Going for night study with Annabel and Anastacia is the bomb! =))

Daddie!

I love my Dad.

It's cause he's the most random person you can ever meet.

Daddie Quote of the day: "TCHEHE! They have solar-powered bras to charge your handphone!"

Me: "Too bad men can't use it."

Or

Me: "I can't find my handphone!!!"
Dad: "Maybe the dog took it."

Meow ^^

I AM THE HAPPIEST, HAPPIEST, HAPPIEST BITCH IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!


DESPITE HAVING A HORRID HISTORY TEST TOMORROW AND DESPITE HAVING A DAMN BAD PAIN IN THE KNEE, NOTHING - I REPEAT, NOTHINGGGG CAN SPOIL MY DAAAAYYY!!!!!!!



=D





Anyway to start the day, was pretty bad. Was late due to a retarded traffic jam, had my EZ-Link taken away by Isaac Lim and my black dance shoes were spotted on my feet.


Thun-thun-thunthunthun!!!!








So Isaac Lim took away my shoes and wanted me to walk about barefooted until I whined to him about how I have dance today, the concert is in two weeks and the smell of my feet will gas everyone to death in college. (ok, maybe not the last part). SO, he took away only ONE shoe and gave me this fugly shoe which was 1.5x bigger than my shoe and asked me to collect my shoe after school before dance. I felt like a clown walking around in a black and white shoe. Yeah, and some people I know commented on it and I'll just tell them, 'fashion la. You jealous is it?'









But on the plus side, I had dearies like Pheobe who decided to shave a few minutes off GP class to accompany me to bargain with Isaac Lim while I was still holding my socks in my hands. I love you girl!! (:





Thank yoouuu so much!!!!








Oh and lesson with Sng was the usual. Could not stay awake man. Nodding off like mad and she got pretty annoyed so she seemed twice as condescending as usual.





" This T4 ah, got such bad attitude "





Hmmm okay but you have got to admit that you've only seen the bad side of us.





Oh, and after dance I realised that I left my WHOLE SET OF UNIFORM hanging on the handle at the grandstand with my skirt containing $40+. LUCKILY, THANK GOD, LUCKILY, in those 4 hrs, NOBODY TOOK MY STUFF!!!! MIRACLEEEE!!!!





Lesson for me: Never leave so much money in my pocket.


Lesson for others: If you see a skirt, check it for money first. ^^





But anyway, THANK YOU RANDOM PEOPLE AT THE GRANDSTAND WHO DIDN'T RUN AWAY WITH MY UNIFORM CAUSE I ONLY GOT 2 SETS!!!





PHEWWW.





oh, and stupid Patrick was giving me weird looks when I was changing at the Grandstand. Zzz. Who asked you to look you peeping Starfish =D


And even if I strip, I'm not stupid enough to let people see me for free HAHAHA!!!!





AH YEAH AND AT DANCE, XUE HUI PRAYED FOR US! THANK YOUUU !





I also had a good chat with Tudi on the phone after dance. Hang in there you horrible boy! Worst comes to worst, give me a ring and I'll run down to Toa Payoh instantly! And if you treat me to an ice cream I might even lend you a shoulder to cry on! Or, you don't have to treat me to ice cream. All you need to do is not insult me for one day.





Yeah and why am I so happy? Cause ... it's a secret!
Hint: Chocolate brings you nothing but good luck HAHAHA!

The reason why its not good for me to be optimistic:

Sleep

I'll be sleeping a lot the next few days... It's the only avenue of solace right now.

Sleep Metre: 2hrs in the day, 9 hrs at night

Patronising quote of the day: You're special... just like everyone else.

Too fast, too furious

Too many things happened in too little time.

Once again, I feel like I'm working on overload.

When the odds are against you.

Thurs to Fri: Burnt midnight oil doing the fucking lit video, only to have it completely dismissed as a 'glossy mtv video' and despite all our efforts, we're back to square one : being stupid student helpers for Lit Evening. Which, I am totally boycotting. So much for honouring your side of the bargain. No sense in paying $18 to them and giving them free labour. That's like, a prostitute giving her customer all her money and even asking him for her to be his maid.

No thanks.

And I resent the term "MTV video". I'm astonished you guys are lit teachers cause you all did not seem to understand the deviant emotive photographs I used and brushed them off as 'jazzed up images'.. and the most ironic thing I want to laugh about is the dismissal of a certain someone's poem as "senseless" when it was a lit teacher herself who recommended it cause it was good. Sorry, but I happen to take great pride in my work and such a thing like that is seriously insulting.

So basically, everyone's effort was for nothing.

Perfect.

Sat: Had dance at O School. Then met up with TheBoy, had my favourite rice balls, stuffed myself silly with chocolates and went to his house where we had steamboat with his family and stuffed myself with more chocolate. We watched AlienVSPredator on his iMac too and its quite a disappointment... AVP1 was better. Took a cab back.

Sun: Mother's Day! Me, BraBoy and Barney split the bill for a lunch at Din Tai Feng as we were treating our Mums. Good food but wa lao... $100 bill. Eeek. I feel the hole in my pocket expanding! After that, went to the PinkPrawn's house to borrow her dress for my cousin's wedding this saturday and caught up with her for a bit. I love her dog! Then, dropped off a very very very belated present to a friend's house just next door and went home for dinner and anime-ed the whole night long.

Today: Had heart pains in the middle of GP and decided to leave school to rest. Went to dad's clinic and caught up with the stallholders around his clinic because I have not seen them in 4 years. Aunty XiaoYun treated me to bubble tea and cheese fries, Provision shop uncle treated me to sweets and my favourite tidbit (onion rings!) and the herbal store Uncle had a chat with me for a while. I feel loved (:

It's good to be cute when you were a kid.

Came home, watched 27 dresses with Barney and anime-ed till now.

These few days I've really been lapsing into Escapism mode. It's like, I really really don't want to go JC anymore. Just sitting in GP today, if you gave me the withdrawal form, I would just sign it and wait till next year to go to poly.

But I'll probably kick myself for that so I didn't entertain that thought for long.

I guess its a build-up of stress and the fact that I don't seem to be doing anything about it. I mean, with what's going on in school, I dread it so badly. Previously, I don't have a reason to go to school but now, I have a reason not to.

And I'm thinking, assuming the world ends in 2012 and all the predictions are correct, then I'm a real swuay bitch and everything's just, wasted. That thought itself is enough to kill you. Ironically enough, as much as I'm currently in limbo right now in finding the meaning to life, I don't really want to die in 2012. Even if my life ain't going to be great, I want to grow up, get married and love others more than I can actually possibly love anyone right now.

Circumstances suffocate you.

And this type of idealistic thinking IS probably going to kill me before 2012. But I still cling onto it so desperately despite all that. I wonder.

Quote of the day: No money, no bloody honey.

Thought of the day: If someone throws a grenade at you in war, you pick it up, swallow it and yell: "I'm coming at you muthafucker!"

He said, "So, how would you like to sleep forever?"

She replied, "Yes, please.. but will I get to live forever?"

And he answered, "One can get too tired of living."

I think I may have overworked myself to the point where I have become delirious.

I started having a flu on wednesday but I still went to dance. Then on Friday, I ran throughout botanical gardens under the sweltering sun. On sat, I stayed out late to watch the Band Concert and on Sunday, I had dance frm 2pm-7pm.

Recipe for disaster? probably.

Already yesterday I felt breathless and my whole body really hurt. My throat felt like sandpaper. Geez, I wonder what I'm doing sometimes.

So I woke up today with a throat dry enough to challenge the Sahara Desert, with muscles so painful its as if they were constricting on their own and a mind that's really so scattered I can't focus on anything - even something as trivial as watching TV.

And to brighten my rainy day, I get 2 calls from the Lit Department from CJ which can rival that of a Mafia's deaththreat. I'd rather the mafia, seriously. I knew this problem would come up sooner or later because I've been stressing over it every night before I sleep and hoping to somehow resolve it by trying to get cooperation but the circumstances are just not friendly enough to.

Suck balls lah.

I tried to explain to them nicely - I really did. I tried to direct all the blame to myself because I assume 80% responsibility as Lit Rep but would she listen to me? NooOooO.

Damn woman was more interested in condemning my class and my home tutor. Even my sister who heard the whole conversation was like "Wtf is her problem? It's like she's lecturing a dog like that." Lecturing me.. for 10 whole minutes. And the most ridiculous thing is, she asks me about the artwork and I told her that someone in my class is handling it and she says this:

"Only ONE PERSON!? What kind of attitude is that coming from your class?!"

Lady, reality check. How many people does it take to do an artwork? Seriously. And that person volunteered to do the artwork and I think his idea is bloody good, FYI.

So, thanks a lot for giving a sick, delirious person hell. You seriously picked the best day. And I had to struggle to speak rationally with you when I look around the room and I see purple hippos in a tutu dancing about and a lion eating up my bedsheet.

And you want to speak to my class tomorrow some more. Honestly, leave my class out of this, can? Even if I were to hand up some lousy piece to satisfy your obscene obsession, you teachers are AUDITIONING the pieces so we wouldn't get in anyway? So whats the difference from not submitting? It's not like we don't want to submit anything but rather,

THERE'S NOT A DAY WHERE 70% OF US ARE FREE!

Ugh. I hate you.

Now excuse me while I degenerate into rambling bullshit because the bloody tutu-ed hippo has scrambled my brain again. Oh, and my grandmother just came back home from the hospital today. They didn't discharge her because she's better but rather, she insisted on coming home. I got a feeling she's dying because she's in such bad shape. I think the hospital's giving up on her, too. And I wonder how I can sit here and think like this so objectively? I'm a bloody horrible granddaughter and I feel fucking ashamed for even entertaining the passing hope that she won't kick the bucket this month because I'm packed with school and other things.

I sometimes wonder if I'm still human.
Or, whether I'm alive inside.
Fuck la.

Turning, he said, "Why do you hold onto life so tightly when you're passing each day just for the sake of it?"

"I don't know" she replied in a faraway voice, "What's the difference from life and death? I wake up everyday feeling dead anyway."

This mused him and he laughed. "Why don't you write your stories anymore?"

And maybe - for a moment, he saw something inside of her stir. Something that was buried for so long that he almost forgot it was even there before. "Stories?" she scorned,

"How can I write anymore stories when I can't even continue mine..?"

Quote of the day: To be human, is to feel.

Dilemna of the day: I really shouldn't go to school tomorrow but since that horrible condescending woman is probably going to rape my class, should I force myself to be present since I have a clearer idea of the situation? But the purple hippo is glaring at me from that chair...

Spirited Away

I can only reflect over the CJ Band concert today - Con Fuoco 7th.

The best word to describe it : sensational.

I guess there are 2 items out of all which will remain etched in my memory forever. Gozilla eats Las Vegas and the Saxophone's rendition of Jupiter.

Why?

Cause the first was hilarious. While the band was playing in the background, there were these cartoon people dressed up in Vegas clothing and a guy running around in a godzilla costume. I'd give it a 6/10 for acting and dancing but it was pretty amusing and ingenious the way they incorporated the story line and the music. For example, the drum beat was the Godzilla's stomping and laughing. But basically, the plot went this way: Godzilla terrorises Las Vegas, people run away. Some funny people try to attack him, fails, Godzilla continues to stomp on the cardboard cars and buildings. Then, Godzilla starts eating happy couples but later falls in love with some random Egyptian woman. Ironically, its a one-scene thing and then Godzilla's stabbed/shot to death the next moment. Someone should teach him not to play with his food.

And another funny thing was, when they 'stabbed' Godzilla, he got obviously stabbed through the armpit. Wow. Poor Godzilla. I guess, thats another way of committing suicide : stabbing yourself through the armpit. But anyway, it was hell of entertaining!

Oh, and Godzilla plays the cello too (he's actually wearing the bottom half of the godzilla costume. He's got a tail!)

Good job CJ Band!

As for the Second piece, it really struck me cause somehow, somewhere, I've heard that piece before. I think it was probably during our Dance Breaks when I went out to drink water that I'll hear the Saxophonists practicing that from the PAC. But either way, it was also a matter of who was playing. Sitting there, I couldn't help but think.

http://www.imeem.com/people/gC2vdY/music/hHBu3DZ_/cj_band_jupiter/

And once again, this horrible feeling came up inside of me. A feeling of inevitability - if there were ever such a word. I felt as though time could freeze right there, right then. Then, maybe, I'd be contented living within beautiful frozen music.

And, perhaps, I'd eventually find the thought in eternity to sort out myself.

Quote of the day: " Wa lao, He's got a fan club sia! "

Thought of the day: Godzilla plays the cello.

Try not to be wrong for her.

Have you ever encountered such a time when words just simply fail to express your emotions??

It's like you're caught in a torrent of words - so many, that you just can't extract the right ones to convey how you really feel because none of them just seem good enough. It sucks...

History Night: was really busy. Good job though T4, we pulled through..I guess it was pretty fun. Had dinner with some of the class and shared a cab back with Luo Er, Viggy and Sam.

Met up with the bitches: There's nobody else I'll actually cam-whore with to that extent other than you two ;)

Sports Carnival: Eco-challenge was more than I expected! Nonetheless, great effort everyone! I'll never forget the fun we had haha! Oh yeah, and me and Sam are no longer Dumb Bitches - we actually have IQ!!!

Sorry, I'm not really in the best of moods now to elaborate on anything.
So I'm just going to ramble now.

Isn't it so painfully ironic to look into someone and find that person not really the person you have perceived? Then, again, maybe the mind purposely constructs such false images and superimposes them just for the sake of self-denial. The truth is always so much harder to take. And I'm not someone who can accept harsh reality sometimes. Perhaps I've been living on dreams too much?

Blissful ignorance.

As painful as it seems, I feel as if I just got electrocuted again - so awake, yet, so asleep.

Inertia, the reluctance of the body to move in the press of motion. We learnt that in physics, a long time ago. Maybe I've been expecting too much? Clinging onto such false hope that died along with you? Perhaps the "you" I've been superimposing onto you is already dead?

History night should have taught me something about the past. You can repeat your mistakes but anything that's of the past, stays as it.

True, I can always dive back into my escapism mentality and fantasize about being a child again where I was carefree and could lean onto your shoulder without worrying about any wrong intentions or consequences. But, I'm going to have to stop thinking that way. No more romanticism, no more indealistic thinking because life ain't even patronising enough to allow that.

No more "Boston" moments for me.

I guess you woke me up. Maybe when time passes, I'll understand. How you wouldn't even recognise me when I passed you (or was it deliberate ignorance?), how one moment you can be so friendly and the next moment so cold (or were you affected by the gossip)? I really don't know. In fact, I don't know what to think.

She said,
You don't know me,
You don't wear my chains... (Boston)

This.... has to stop. Now. No matter what it takes.

So cut out your flesh and draw a beautiful potrait with your blood...the most beautiful in the world.

And you know, I thought I'd cheer myself up. I tried watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagaan but I only ended up depressing myself more. In the anime, the guy who was the coolest ended up dying just after he had promised the girl that he'd come back for her and return 10x of the one kiss that she gave to him just before he marched to battle... and after he died, I realised that the opening videos opted out the showcase of him. Even at the end of the opening video, he's now erased from the group shot.

So, I think. I think, therefore I am.

But what is the proof of my existence? Like the main character, no matter how respected you are or how accomplished, we'll disappear from the world. Years down the road, who is going to live in my house and will that occupant actually walk into each and every room and wonder what the previous occupant was like? I used to think we'll live on in memories but memories are all reconstructions of something that wasn't really, all that.

Memories are glorified or dumbed down. I just learnt that I can't trust any of them. Dwelling too much on them can kill you. I'm not going to watch finish that anime. I can't accept that life goes on as normal after someone's gone.

Because, I know that, since you didn't even recognize me today, you wouldn't even realize if I were dead tomorrow.

Quote of the day: "Don't believe in me for believing in you. Believe in yourself for believing in you."

Thought of the day: Somehow, you'll always have a special place in my memories and my heart - just like everyone else from the 6-7pm group.