Emoism.

Oh man I'm really turning Emo.

Went for Judo competition today... saw some really scary shit and some that I won't mention because its too graphic to describe... but for clues, it involves a 130kg girl who totally pawned everyone in the heavyweight championship.

Don't ask anymore.

I also felt an overwhelming surge of alienation today... everyone seems so close with everyone... even my Judo partner is now someone else's Judo partner....so I'm pretty much left alone... Argh.. depressing... you have no idea how it feels like... to be behind everyone and chasing after them desperately - only I would fall before I even reached out to anyone's shoulder from behind..

I'm so sad... I think I might even be jealous of some people because they fit in so well.. sigh..

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU FUCKING FEVER VIRUS THAT LED TO MY HEART ATTACK WHICH CAUSED ME TO BE HOSPITALISED WHICH RESULTED ME IN NOT BEING ABLE TO JUDO FOR 2 WEEKS AND CONCLUDED IN ALL THIS RUBBISH STATE I'M IN AAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

*Takes a few gasping breathes*

I met up with Jazreel and Nicole today... Oh god after chatting and crapping with them at New York New York, I really realised how much I MISS them! I mean, I do have wonderful friends in CJ who I crap around with too but.... it's just different... somehow...

In CJ I'm quite quiet and stoner-ish sometimes... not someone you would hardly remember.... but back in IJ I was notorious for my loud and crazy behaviour with loud and crazy friends.. COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of how I am now!! I WANT my other self back!! I cannot stand this self I'm in now!! It's like... I feel so dead... Only when I'm with jazreel and Nicole I feel like I'm.. alive again...

In IJ, I NEVER failed to laugh and smile everyday... it seemed as if all my worries would just disappear even when it was on the verge of devouring me...and I really miss that feeling...it was so effective to the extent that even ON THE DAY OF O LEVELS I was hardly worried at all... in fact, with all the jokes and easy-going attitude we had in the morning, I was even RELAXED!

Now in CJC, I DONT laugh and smile everyday... and my worries seem closer than ever.. I feel like I'm being dangled on a pendulum over the edge, swinging back and forth over a never-ending pit of darkness....

What is happening to me.... Somehow I can't seem to find someone new who would stick with me through my thick and thin.. to know all my darkest secrets and except me for the real horrible person I am beneath the mask I wear........to bring out my insane extrovert personality and to drive my sadness away....

Guys....I really would do anything to have you two back.... I don't think I could trust anyone else enough as I trust you two...

__so just let me die__

Revelations

Been very guilty of not posting up recently. Been too fucking busy.

These are the events that have passed:
1T04 BBQ
Drama auditions
Dance auditions
KI lessons
Got into pre-u Seminar without even auditioning (got recommendations by Mdm Damo)

Drama and dance was shocking. I made it through both. But i'll have to quit one of them sooner or later because they clash.. *sigh*

Went for drama camp too. Went for one day, gave up, zao-ed to Bryan's house at 8pm to stayover. Spent most of the time with the electric guitar.

I didn't go to school today. Think I caught the cold from Sam.. or maybe because of my insomnia these past few days... either way, I feel like shit.

I really feel like giving up sometimes.... thinking about going to school tomorrow really makes me want to throw in the towel...

I've got:

Lit homework.
hist outline.
Econs homework
And probably KI homework.

Ugh.

I wondered if I just stopped breathing...I'm just really so tired of everything..
It's not that I'm stressed, No. I'm really not stressed... just so ... sick of everything... Argh I also can't explain it... but the feeling's frustrating and I really need to get away with some peace and quiet....

....maybe going to some countryside area in the world with THEBOY would help... isolation definitely would save my sanity for the moment.....

Can't seem to even get any simple satisfaction.. Been binging on food cause I keep feeling I'm hungry... but I'm hungry yet full....and when i eat more, I feel guilty because its really not helping my weight.. (yes, I'm 63 now....wtf. I think they're going to throw me into tuff soon)

Always waiting and waiting for so many things...

Waiting for my sisters to come back
Waiting for sister to install that 2-year late Sim game she owes me
Waiting for holidays to come
Waiting to recover my sanity
Waiting to bake those cookies I'm craving for
Waiting for As to be over
Waiting for work to start
Waiting for Bryan to send me those nice songs
Waiting to be old enough so I can marry THEBOY and at least have a new life
Waiting for the dinner table to have more than just myself for company everyday
Waiting for parents to come home everyday
Waiting for so many things that might never come..


O god, I feel like dying.

From the Depths of Dreams.

Went back to school again on friday!
PHEW I thought I would not stay with my beloved 1T03!!!

Life, is floating fast away.
But I look, your head is turned away.
From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right.
But the feeling inside has kept me up all night.

Since I've been absent for the first half of orientation, they actually CANCELLED MY NAME off the school student record. Like wtf? SO anyway, I went to MrBaldy, told him the situation and I had to fill up a green form and wait.

Meanwhile, I could almost hear the joy in everyone's hearts because our appeal to stay as a class got through.

And let me tell you, waiting is the worst kind of torture. I was hoping so DESPERATELY to get into 1T04 with the rest of my wonderful classmates and I was praying so HARD NOT to get into 1T03 of 2nd intake because Stalin was there...

Anyway, heaven has eyes. I made it to 1T04!!!!! *jumps up in joy and does a jiggly dance thing*

You and me are like one heart-beat.
You and me are like one heart-beat.

We have 3 new classmates : Sheryl, Zen and Danny! I spoke to Sheryl here and there. She seems like a cool babe! Didn't get much of a chance to speak to Danny though.. but I do sense romance between her and TheSlackerVacationerProfessionalStoner. Cause while we were doing water games, the two were resting under the comforts of the Grand Stand and indulging in a serious engrossed conversation. If I were to imagine it'd be something like this:

Slacker: So baby as I was saying.... girls with guy nicknames really turn me on..
Danny: *looks serious* *in a whisper* really?
Slacker: Hell yeah...
-awkward silence-
Slacker: I can't do this. I got a boyfriend. (personal joke. Sam would get this haha!)

But anyway my imagination is really untrustable.

My first impression of Zen is that he's quite a gentleman even though he's from ACSI. No offence to ACSI people but I got a very bad impression of them from a lot of people around me. So well, he really surprised me. When Sheryl and I were jumping up and down on the basketball courts because our feet were BURNING in the overheated concrete ( water games. We took off our footwear) and looking very much like natives doing a tomtom dance (except without the grass skirts and the face paint), Zen actually offered us a his slipper each. And we asked him if he were ok because I swear by anything in the world, the ground was COOKING my feet! yayy so thanks to Zen's slippers, Zen has saved my day and Sheryl's day! Thanks Zen! You're really sweet!

So slice open my veins.
And let, the romance bleed away.

After the games, it was time for CCA trials. Was kind of stumped. I want to join a performing Arts CCA!!!!!!!!!!! Especially in the event should I get horribly and brutally injured in Judo, I might have to consider a second CCA to fall back on... So, looking at the list, I chose Choir.

Baaaaad choice.

From the moment you left I knew that something wasn't right.
But the feeling inside has kept me up all night.

Here's what happened. It started off badly. I was late and ran halfway into a guy's audition in the lecture. If that was not embarrassing enough, wait till later.

Went up to classroom where the girls were practicing notes. From all the rushing and running, my brain was woozy so i could not remember the notes to sing! It went something like this:

Senior: Doh-Mi-Soh-Fa-Mi-Ray-Doh
Rest of the girls: Doh-Mi-Soh-Fa-Mi-Ray-Doh
Me: Doh-Rrrr-Soh-Fa-DDooh-- oh bugger.

And the girl who was next to me kept glancing at me like "OH MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GIRL SUCKS SO BAD". Wanted to stare her in the face and go 'You got a problem with me, punk?' but the Seniors already grabbed me and wheeled me off to auditions before I had a chance to take another breathe.

You and me are like one heart-beat.
You and me are like one heart-beat.

The next part was worse beyong the worst. Went into an empty lecture hall, feeling extremely vulnerable. In front of me: 2 teachers, a piano. O shit.

Teacher: Got any music experience?
Me: No.
Teacher: Not even notes?
Me: No.
Teacher: Ookay.. never mind. Sing for me Doh-Mi-Soh-Mi-Doh.. *plays notes on piano*
Me: *stares at her*
Teacher: *plays notes again and looks up expectantly at me*
Me: *starts to get confused*
Teacher: Sing.
Me: OH!

Back into what I thought I knew, these words inside me, tell me what to do.
My heart held, in the palm of your hand.

Me: Doh-Mi-Soh-Mi-Doh...
Teacher: *plays higher notes*
Me: Doh-Mi-Soh-Mi-Doh...
Teacher: *higher notes*
Me: *starts to get a little squeaky from feeling so stupid*
Oh my god. I'm so squeaky!!! LOL!!!! Can I laugh please?
Teacher: *even higher notes*
Me: *stares at her*
Teacher: Er..?
Me: Er..? Right... Doh-Mi-Soh-Mi...-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I SOUND LIKE A RETARD!!!

(Forget my name)
Now I know, the way to go, this place inside my demented mind.
(Forget my name)
You saw me bleeding on the bathroom floor.

Teacher: Okay.. now we shall try singing "aaaah"
Me: Aaaaah.
Teacher: *plays notes*
Me: AAAAAAhh.
Teacher: *plays more notes*
Me: AAAaAAaAaaAH!
Teacher: *notes*
Me: *getting tired* blarrhhhhh!
Teacher: *plays notes*
Me: *feeling stupid* ggggrraahhhh!
Teacher: *plays notes*
Me: ffffwwwaaaaaarrrr!

I wonder why I put myself through such torture.

After that she commented I was a bit pitchy and they won't let me in because I refuse to quit Judo and Judo is my number one priority. Not, because of my singing. To cover up a bit on her part on her feeling sore that Choir isn't my first choice, she said, 'oh, and we only need exceptional singers for girls since we have overwhelming sign-ups for females'

Eat Dirt Bitch.

(Forget my name)
This time in silence, this time I win. [x3]
(Forget my name)
Now you will feel my pain

After Choir I went for KI test. I don't know what weird thing possessed me to do so, but I did. Well, I did, after running into 3 WRONG lecture theatres and a very nice girl who was also going for the test said 'Hey, you taking the KI test? I'm going there too I'll show you the way'

Thank youuuuu. <3

Ki test was tough. Killed my brain.

Qn: 'An unexamined life is not worth living' Comment.

I stared at the paper going 'what the fuck' in my head for ages. I'm quite sure I screwed up.

EAT DIRT PHILOSOPHY!!!

I'm trying for dance Auditions when school opens on wednesday. Wish me luck. A lot of it. But for now, HAPPY MARCH HOLS WEEE!!

Forget my name [x5]

A little piece of love and a few thousand drops of blood

Guess what.

I got hospitalised. Heh. Not very pleasant actually. So I'll just state how it happened:

9.pm:

Audition-ing. Hand cold/numb. Check temperature. Normal. Phew. Continue playing.Sharp heart pains. Ouch. Tahan. .. .. .. CANNOT TAHAN ALREADY! Freaking, cold. Want to go take jacket. Too weak. Can't breathe. Rush downstairs. Tell mummy. Turning blue. Its so cold inside. Burning up outside. 39 degrees. I'm shivering now. Muscle spasms. Can't. stop. jerking. Fits.

I'm gonna die.

Well, actually not. Ambulance wheeled me away to Tan Tock Seng. Eep.

11pm:

Pretty much fell asleep at A and E. Shivering out of fear. Rocked myself to sleep. Woke up with THEBOY beside me. Gave me a freaking ass big shock... he stayed with me, stroking my face and kissing my forehead. He looked worried. Awwww felt so touched...

I told him to leave and go home to rest. He had a test the next day.

Some dude kept hurling vulgarities at the nurses for 'neglecting him'. He complains people who arrive later than him get to go before him. But hey, I look at those people and they need the attention more than him. He looked perfectly fine - not even a drip attached to him. Even well and healthy enough to run out of bed and threaten to walk out of the hospital. I look at the people who went before him. Breathing tubes, Drips, dozens of tubes here and there, all clearly in pain.

And there he was whining like a little bitch. And he was using words like 'knncbb' when he does not even know how to pronounce it (he's indian, no offence intended but of course most indians can't pronounce hokkien) Words he used(and sounded like):

"FUCK YOU ALL LAH DON'T CARE ME WHAT KARNINARS CHIAO CHEE BIIES! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU ALL"

And he gets out of bed and starts threatening people. Twice. Security guard had to manhandle him twice. Good for him. A lot of the patients looked nervous and didn't help because they were all already in pain at the Accident and Emergency corner. Little fucking whiny ass. If you can't swear in another dialect, DON'T. Besides, if you're so freaking fit as to yell your elephant ass off and even get off the bed to frighten people, I don't see what's so wrong with your body. Pussy.

A punch or two ought to fix it.

And I'm not talking about fruit punch.

2am:

Attached to drip. I remembered shivering and sobbing my sorry ass off. Memories from Sec 2 was enough to scare the shit out of me and heightened my phobia for needles. Tried to sleep. It was a long night. And I wanted to go for Orientation..

The next day...

9am:

Soon Kueh was served for breakfast. Didn't feel like eating. Ugh. The drip was killing me. Halfway the bloody lady came to take my blood. She was awfully nice about it, though. Didn't exactly do her job roughly and kept reassuring me everytime I freaked. Still didn't like her sticking the needle in and swirling it around till she found my vein. Even the NYP nurse who was watching couldn't stand to look. Much less me. Meanwhile, someone stole my Soon Kueh away..Hai.

Somewhere in the day..

ThePrawn and ThePope visited me first. Awfully sweet of her. She cheered me up a bit. Thanks babe! =) Even bought me a word Search puzzle (THANK GOD) Was so freaking bored earlier. Sesame street on kids central and stupid kid shows didn't help. Nor did reflective theraputic sobbish reconciliation stories help on Channel 5. Bummer.

Darling visited me next! Weeee love love love love love hiiim~~~

Blood Lady came. EEEEEEEKKK!!! Got tormented by the needle.

Then HeWhoIsNeedleHappy came. Wee~~~

Then 1T03 came. OMG! SO shocked!!!! I really did not expect this... super touched... Of course not physically. They even bought me flowers and a BIIIIG tasmanian helium balloon! Hey thanks guys... I'll never forget this..

Oh, and Ah Pai split the seat cushion while trying to cross his legs and trying to be demure. "DEMURE".

Kenna jabbed. Again.

Then Ace aka AdidasPrince aka William came! OMG! MAJOR OMG! SO SWEET LAH! Even my guild members come and seee me..... Haha felt a lot better after crapping with him and making his face turn tomato red while laughing! THANK YOU ^^

Next was TheDragon, my godma, HiaoPo and Triumph Bra. By then I was already so happy haha! They bought me cakes too! (which I later shared with the girl in the bed next to mine) Thanks also! Weee~~~

Later everyone left. Made friends with the girl next to my bed. She's nice. very chatty too! I got the nurse to remove the drip cause it hurt so bad... And in return, my arm started to hurt. No, not aching pain. It's I'm-getting-stabbed-and-my-muscles-are-ripping-themselves-up kind of pain. Couldn't sleep. had to take panadols to ease the pain.

The next day..

Got jabbed again. Twice.

Vege in the food sucked. I kept going toilet and it was annoying with a near-disabled right hand.

Vignesh and Hui Ming came over to see me! So sweet! Thanks guys =)))) They even wrote me a letter!How cute is that?

Afterwards ThePelican, ThePrawn and ThePope came over. Hee. Thanks again! Love you babes!!!!

Then HeWhoIsNeedleHappy came and took me home~ OFFICIALLY DISCHARGED WOOTS!

Met MonMon on the way home haha! Coincidental wee!

For those who visited me, thanks. I really am grateful and very touched.

Oh, and as a side note,

I hate hospitals.

And needles.

V. Much.

Haiz...

Top few reasons why it always sucks to have a fever:

1. You feel lifeless
2. Goddamn headaches
3. Cranky
4. HOOOT!!
5. You have no appetite
6. Even if you had any appetite, your taste buds are all wonky
7. You can't do the things you want to do
8. You spend 5/6 of your whole day sleeping
9. You can't go to your Mei's choir concert and thus, wasted $12 in buying the ticks
10. You're threatened with blood tests (just in case you got dengue again)
11. You have TONS of pills to swallow
12. Other illnesses is triggered (e.g Asthma, flu, sore throat)
13. Your stomach can be a miniature swimming pool without chlorine
14. You have to go to the toilet often
15. You have to eat bland food all the time
16. You can't switch on the air-con so you're always sticky
17. You don't get to bring back your boyfriend's basketball from the school classroom on the last day because you didn't go back to school and thus, risk losing it which would not only piss him off but piss yourself off cause its a drodead-gorgeous ball!!!!
18. You have nothing to do and cannot go out because you're SICK!

hm.

Depressed.

Not just cause of what earlier but rather when I popped into Audi, my anonymous Cj bro MoronGuy told me he's not Audi-ing anymore. Like maaaaaaaaaan!!!! We sure had some good laughs in the past.

All of a sudden I'm feeling so emo. Damn. Must be the influence from the class.

Hm.

And viggy just sent me one super emo song. Its playing now. 'The Dumbing Down of Love' by frou frou. Don't ask. I don't know who's frou frou.

ARGH.

I'm having one of those depression-ist moments again.... just want to sleep... since I guess that's the only refuge from troubles...

GrrrRRRR!

I seriously need to chill.

Stab.

This ain't the first time thoughts like these have been going on through my head. They've been pretty much there for close to 2 years already. And well, it's bad if it carries on.

Stab.

I got to grow up, got to live with it. Argh. There's some things I can't control. Got to seriously stop being too protective over everything - family, friends, BOY. Got to stop, got to stop. Its these thoughts that seriously cause so much frustration and annoyance which leads on to OTHER PEOPLE'S frustration and annoyance. Yes, yes, listen to Ngee Derk. It's unreasonable. I can't be like this.

Stab.

Please, slug yourself in the stomach, grind all your teeth out if you have to, and take that other paranoid, cowardly self who is so afraid of getting hurt for a whooping drive by. Least that would shut her up for a while.

Grrr.