Emoism.

Oh man I'm really turning Emo.

Went for Judo competition today... saw some really scary shit and some that I won't mention because its too graphic to describe... but for clues, it involves a 130kg girl who totally pawned everyone in the heavyweight championship.

Don't ask anymore.

I also felt an overwhelming surge of alienation today... everyone seems so close with everyone... even my Judo partner is now someone else's Judo partner....so I'm pretty much left alone... Argh.. depressing... you have no idea how it feels like... to be behind everyone and chasing after them desperately - only I would fall before I even reached out to anyone's shoulder from behind..

I'm so sad... I think I might even be jealous of some people because they fit in so well.. sigh..

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU FUCKING FEVER VIRUS THAT LED TO MY HEART ATTACK WHICH CAUSED ME TO BE HOSPITALISED WHICH RESULTED ME IN NOT BEING ABLE TO JUDO FOR 2 WEEKS AND CONCLUDED IN ALL THIS RUBBISH STATE I'M IN AAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

*Takes a few gasping breathes*

I met up with Jazreel and Nicole today... Oh god after chatting and crapping with them at New York New York, I really realised how much I MISS them! I mean, I do have wonderful friends in CJ who I crap around with too but.... it's just different... somehow...

In CJ I'm quite quiet and stoner-ish sometimes... not someone you would hardly remember.... but back in IJ I was notorious for my loud and crazy behaviour with loud and crazy friends.. COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of how I am now!! I WANT my other self back!! I cannot stand this self I'm in now!! It's like... I feel so dead... Only when I'm with jazreel and Nicole I feel like I'm.. alive again...

In IJ, I NEVER failed to laugh and smile everyday... it seemed as if all my worries would just disappear even when it was on the verge of devouring me...and I really miss that feeling...it was so effective to the extent that even ON THE DAY OF O LEVELS I was hardly worried at all... in fact, with all the jokes and easy-going attitude we had in the morning, I was even RELAXED!

Now in CJC, I DONT laugh and smile everyday... and my worries seem closer than ever.. I feel like I'm being dangled on a pendulum over the edge, swinging back and forth over a never-ending pit of darkness....

What is happening to me.... Somehow I can't seem to find someone new who would stick with me through my thick and thin.. to know all my darkest secrets and except me for the real horrible person I am beneath the mask I wear........to bring out my insane extrovert personality and to drive my sadness away....

Guys....I really would do anything to have you two back.... I don't think I could trust anyone else enough as I trust you two...

__so just let me die__