When you're obviously too stressed up

Exams are coming and lessons are becoming more and more hellish. I had to force myself to stay in lecture today although I couldn't really pay attention.

And you know, you know that you're obviously too stressed up when you create a neopets account for 30 minutes, then give up. Oh, and you buy a tube of honey just to make yourself a little happier.

I love my P.E uniform

I realise that when I study, I need to be wearing very casual clothes - best if they were school shirts with FBT shorts. I don't know why but I think its psychological. It's like, when I'm wearing my JC P.E shirt again, it puts me back into the situation whereby studying was literally a life-or-death decision. And when I wear that, I can really absorb and concentrate.

Or maybe its just the FBT shorts. Its +100 INT.

And I don't know, it just feels right. Like seriously. The psychological effect of wearing a uniform makes me feel like a student and drives me to study. I'm weird, I know. And hey, its comfortable as hell!

Or you know, maybe its cause I already look so unglam in my PE shirt and my FBTs that I don't really care how I look anymore, so I'm not so easily distracted. Hm.

Although I really do feel like clawing people's eyes out when they stare. Never see thighs before ah. Wanna die issit. I don't know why they bother blinding themselves. And yes, my inner ahlian is bitchy.

On a side note, it's awesome therapy messing up your hair. I can safely say that I'm addicted :D

Braving the storm

Today was sheer laughter therapy. Rehearsals were incredibly enjoyable (until uh, someone fainted) and lunch (or rather, brunch) at Nicole's were awesome. I've not laughed so hard in such a long time. It's times like these that I'm really grateful for my friends since Secondary School. The fact that we can look back and talk about all the dirt we have on each other really makes its point. For all that, thanks. It's an amazing feeling.

Although, it was slightly unsettling when we discussed one topic that I haven't spoken about for 6 years. Ever since that incident I've locked it away completely in the corner of my mind and tried to pretend it exists. The worst part is that it probably did exist, just not in people's memories, which makes it seem like I just had a really really really bad dream although at that time it was definitely 1000% real. Some things you just don't forget in a lifetime even if you wanted to.

It's 2 weeks to the end of tutorials and 4 weeks to exams. It's going to be really tough, and I already feel the stress piling up. I'm really scared that for the next few weeks, a small thing may be capable of breaking the delicate balance and totally crash my mood, preventing me from studying. But I think ultimately, I'll get through it. Just that the aftermath of things is gonna be really, really ugly if it ever swung in the wrong direction. I'm going to have to be a lot stricter on myself emotionally.

Revelations surrounding chocolate, yong tau foo and lots of chilli, laksa and curry

It is strangely ironic of how I can never seem to make a damn decision unless I'm in extreme moods - angry, sad, happy, excited, etc. I admit that stupid mid-term test got me down so low, if I sank any lower, I'd hit the centre of the earth and disintegrate into itty bitty pieces. Which, on a second thought, wouldn't be so bad after all. I spent my excruciating 1 hour break blasting music in my ears and finding the mysterious hidden Geography admin office to submit one of my group projects, while forcing myself to study the very thing that worked better than gravity because I had (yes) yet another test in the next hour.

And after all that teeth-gritting, emo-ing, moping around and feeling in the pits, the moment I sat down in Tutorial C for Japanese, the thought came so strongly to me in a split-second that it stunned me for a second : Fuck this.

I don't need to care anymore. I'm so damn sick of results stressing me out, upsetting me or ruling my life. And mother, I thought of your word of wisdom that you said to me during that crucial moment in P3 "We don't need someone who cannot study in this house." I'm through with it ruling my life. Yes, I'd like to do well but I now recognise that there are certain limitations that I can't cross unless I'm super bionic woman or they switch my brain with Einstein's.

And I'm just going to do what I like. No more safe options, no more grovelling under the pile of induced self-abuse! There's no such thing as 'suffer momentarily and get a better future' because at this rate, if I'm going to have to keep doing things that I don't enjoy, the next module I'm going to take is How To Tie A Noose 1101E. Slipping in and out of my 'moments' already tell me this.

Because, I want to murder the person that said that you'll do well in what you like, I might not do well EITHER WAY. I can be doing something I hate, sucking at it, and still get that lousy 3rd class honours at the end of the day. OR, I can be doing something I actually LIKE, suck at it, still get that lousy 3rd class honours, but at the end of the day I don't graduate from University looking like that lady from Sweeney Todd.

And who's to say what job I must do? Why must a theatre student only do theatre? Who says that they can't do anything else? Hell, if my sister, a sociology student, can get a job totally unrelated to Soci, I sure as hell could do the same.

So, FUCK Japanese. I like it so that's not stopping me. Just cause the stupid exam is purposely set so hard and I'm sure at least 75% of the people there are wayyy above that level but are just taking it to occupy the top places of the bell curve, its not going to stop me. Even though taking it in school may offer the best training, its not worth all this. Every week I compare my outside and inside classes and realise that I'm so much happier in my outside class. Which is how the bloody way it should be.

And I need to drag myself out of my emo comfort zone. Stop depending on other people. You have a backbone goddammit, use it! because at the end of the day, nobody's gonna give a fuck about you, whether you make or break, be insanely happy or just insane, whether you kill yourself or someone kills you.

I'm sorry I'm so frustrated. There are many things I'm really upset about that keeps recurring every time. If I were 2 different people, you'd see me strangling the other already - the emotional vs the logical. And yes, it took me so bloody long to come to this conclusion after chugging down chocolate,chilli, curry, laksa, chocolate respectively. Let's hope this is the last. And lets hope I'll wake up tomorrow with a weight off my shoulders.

this really made me smile

It's about one month's countdown to the final exam. I thought I was keeping up with the pace, but things today have totally changed my perspective. It's easy to be upset with things and just give up, but its also hard to give up wanting to do well in it. I guess it makes me wonder why do I tire myself out for something that would only yield these results. The worst part is, I can see everyone around me aceing it like nobody's business.

I'm not superwoman nor am I supergirl. But at least I'd have hoped that something like this that take up more time than anything else would have produced something better. In summary, you can say that I am extremely, extremely, extremely disappointed perhaps passed the point of being dishearted.

Holidays, do come fast or I might just go mad.

Because this is redefining what feeling like shit feels like.

It's amazing how you won't realise that you've filled up your life with random stuff until you randomly sit down and think about it

Stuff I've done to fill up the 3-hour gap between SSA lecture and my NM tutorial:

1) Bought another tau box (I am seriously overstepping my budget!)
2) Had lunch
3) Walked around the NUSSU welfare fair at central library
4) Potentially signed up for Arts Rag as a dancer (the theme this year sounds awesome ;) )
5) Contributed my signature to the "Olympic banner with potentially a record-breaking number of signatures)
6) Almost bought a desk vacuum cleaner
7) Almost bought a bracelet for $7
8) Went to the library and stalked people on facebook/blog

And I still have 1 1/2 hours left. Ugh. =\

Time to pull up my ever-disappearing socks!

sorry

There are so many things that I want to say now but I have no way of expressing it. The words just won't come. But I will try with whatever words I can struggle with. Its not going to turn out the way which I intended it to, but its something that I can't really control right now.

It's not the workload. It's the people and the environment. I would gladly - no, not gladly, but not unhappily either, study all my damn notes and sit for the exam and get my marks at the end of the day. But it seems as though there's a glass roof that I keep hitting despite the effort. And at the end of the day, though people may say that, hey, this is your last leg of the race, just get it done and get it over with and you're already the top 8% in Singapore. That's not the point. Even if you're the top 8%, only the top 1% of that 8% actually have what people say, 'the choice at the buffet table'. And I can't work for anything if there's nothing to work for. I don't have a goal to work towards to. The most vaguest of ideas now would be do a job I don't hate, get enough money for a decent living, and pay everything back to my parents. But unfortunately most of the time those 2 goals don't co-exist. It's either do something I like and be broke or suffer hard work (harder than everyone else) or do something I hate but get more money. Aside from that, the smaller issues can be traced down to even the more trivial stuff like most of my friends dropping out of university. It's one thing to have all of them drop out at the same time and leave you there as you flop on your own and its another thing to see them happy in whatever they want to pursue. I don't wish to be someone else. But I do hope that I had a stronger personality. Right now I've been keeping myself in check so hard that its scaring myself. Forgetting to smile, forgetting to cry,forgetting to be unhappy. I feel like internally there's a cup and there's water being poured into it constantly. And now its just overflowing and I'm not emptying it. I'm not overstretched or overcommitted to anything. My time management is fine. And I really hate to whine, I really hate to cry. If I could I would bite back everything. I feel pathetic that I'm so easily upset like this over stupid matters. Its a catch 22 (or was it 21?) situation.I really feel disgusted. But at the same time I can't let myself slip for even a second. Because it just takes 1 moment for everything to come crashing down. I'm not making much sense. And neither am i paragraphing. I don't care. This sem I had already wasted 2 days of school because I was too depressed to leave my room. I can't afford to waste anymore. But if I don't find the source, I will never figure it out. As of now, I'm just going to have to force myself.

I'm tired.

blogworthy on the bimbo scale

You have received offline messages.


samyu2011@hotmail.com said (Yesterday at 11:55 PM):
OKOK
I REALLY WONDER WHY WE TALK IN CAPS
OH UR OFFLINE
OK BYE

Sam you know I love you HAHA

The Exceptional Drama

I was watching a drama today for my Japanese Studies module and I think its really really good. While the content may disturb a lot of people, the subtle messages sent inside were really very effective.

It makes me think, should you do what you want to do, even against society's expectations and pretty much shut down internally against everything as you stand to lose everything?

And, whilst its a drama and I'm not one to indulge in the escapism of drama, this drama is very real in the sense that there's no dramatic finding out of blood ties, no sudden protagonist getting banged down, no 'just passing each other' while they're frantically searching for each other, no slapstic humor, etc.

In fact, this drama is quite a serious one. It's really a pretty accurate depiction of a slice of life.

And while I may gush over one of the male leads because his character is so fascinating (and pretty warped at the same time), I realise that people are really so damn complicated. Put a person in a different situation and their personality will immediately change, whether for the better or the worst. And there's always that sense of having to conform and to follow society, against your own wishes.

2 thumbs up, really. This is one of the rare few dramas that don't turn me off.

My eczema has gotten worse and I think I can finally attribute it to something - my bodysoap. I probably should change it as soon as possible. As of now, I'm really going to have to exercise discipline by not scratching.

Earlier on, I was watching anime and unconsciously started scratching my calf. A few minutes later, I felt something excessively wet on my fingers and looked down only to be astonished because my whole calf was red with blood. I'm not really sure what exactly I had done but the blood was enough to be flowing in excess. So yeah, we'll stop the soap and see how that goes.

On another note, I still feel like my life now is pretty much a dream. The simplified life where it used to be dance, studies and you, already seemed dreamlike enough. Now, without dance, its just studies and you, giving me a lot of free time which I have no idea on how to fill up apart from studying even more. I tried playing (gaming, watching anime, etc.) but after a while these activities became draggy and loses its thrill.

Too much free time is bad. I get bored, depressed or I just end up missing you. It's a vicious cycle. When I'm neck high in work, I want free time and when I have free time, I want stuff to do. And when I have no work to do, I realise how itchy my damn eczema is and I start to scratch, making me upset because I hate the ugly scars I now have all over =/

I should stop being so self-destructive and focus my energies on something else. I do hope that my job applications get through because this would solve the issue greatly.

And hey, even if the world no longer hears you, I can. I'm not significant enough to compare to the important people in your life, but I hope that despite this selfish thinking, you know you're not alone. Cause you matter.

Yes, its a new song obsession once again

Brave Heart by NERDHEAD featuring Kana Nishino

Lyrics (Romaji)

Kizuiteru yo sono namida no wake wa
Demo norikoerareru ima wa sora wo miagete
Kimi no yo ko de

~ chorus ~
Sono omoi wo kanjiteru
Futari isshou nara tsuyokunareru
Make sonna toki koso jibun wo
BELIEVE YOURSELF ~ shinjite

Mada FLASHBACK my life
Maru de eien no youde honto ato iu kan ironna hyoujou shite kita
AND I TRY TO SMILE
ho dondon no shunkann
mune itai gurai ne I WAS CRYING

Naiteita INSIDE MY EYES
Namida misenai you ni tsuyoku furumatetta moshi
Ichido demo tomattara soko de GAMES OVER
Ni to me ga mou nai you ni kanjite AND I ( feel )

Fuwan ni omoi mainichi
Mune ni daitai risou to wa hodo tooi
Sore ga jinsei kitto minna isshou de
tsurakeattemo tai te tsuyoku natteku

Jikan kakaru kedo
I’LL TAKE A CHANCE ‘TILL THE LAST ( just love )
Kibou shinjite JUST TAKE A LITTLE STEP
Shinpai nai dattemo hitori ja nai

(Kana-chan) Kimi no soba de…

~ chorus ~
Sono omoi wo kanjiteru
Futari isshou nara tsuyokunareru
Make sonna toki koso jibun wo
BELIEVE YOURSELF ~ shinjite

Kizueteru yo sono namida no wake wa
Demo norikoerareru ima wa sora wo miagete
DON’T RUN AWAY
Nigete te mo mienai ( DON’T LET IT FALL, LETS GO )
Ashita he no RAINBOW

Kokoro ga kujike sou de ( SOMETIMES )
Me no mae no REALITY kara RUN AWAY
Kono mama ja dame na no wa
Wakatte ima kedo kawarenai

Dakedo donna toki mo jibun ni uso wo tsukanaide
( HEY, LET IT FLOW )
Arukidaseru…~
Tsurai toki mo aru kedo yuuki wo dashite
( KEEP GOING ON AND ON )

zutto…

(Kana-chan) Kimi no soba de…

~ chorus ~
Sono omoi wo kanjiteru
Futari isshou nara tsuyokunareru
Make sonna toki koso jibun wo
BELIEVE YOURSELF ~ shinjite

KEEP ON TRYIN’ ( Just try )
TRYIN’ ( and try )
JUST TRY ( _____ mo hitori janai )
KEEP ON TRYIN’ ( try try )
TRY TRY
_____

Ichido kiri no life
Shippai ni shippai kazane teku life
Demo
Saigo gurai waratte tai

Isshou ni Fly’in to light

Kurou nakushite asu wa nai
Demo jidai mo yama ari tani ari
tte minna iu daro?
heitan na michi nante sonzai shinai
Tsumattzuitara
MOU IKKAI

Mata tachi agatte arukidasu
nando datte hai tsukubatte demo
RUN AND RUN
Ikigirashitatte
Susuma naito LIFE’S A BATTLE
Jibun jishin ga saidai no RIVAL

LALALA
LALALA ( MY LIFE )

Shippai ni shippai kazane teku life
Demo
Arukidaseru ~

Lyrics (Translation)

I realize the reason why I’m crying these tears
But I’ll overcome them, right now I’m looking up towards the sky – into your world

~ chorus ~
I can feel those feelings inside of you
When we are together, they became even stronger
Even for just a short amount of time,
BELIEVE YOURSELF ~ believe

Let me flashback my life
Just like an instant is truly eternal
I showed various expressions
AND I TRY TO SMILE
Most moments my heart is painful
and I wanna cry

I was crying inside my eyes
You behaved and were strong enough not to show tears
It is there if it stops once but GAMES OVER
I feel that there isn’t a second chance anymore

And every day I think about that fear
The ideal I had is far from the heart
Surely everyone in this life comes together
Even if it’s painful, I’ll endure its trials and become strong

It’s going to take time but
I’ll take the chance to the last
Believe in yourself and just take a little step
Don’t worry you will not be alone anymore

(Kana-chan) When I’m beside you…

~ chorus ~
I can feel those feelings inside of you
When we are together, they became even stronger
Even for just a short amount of time,
BELIEVE YOURSELF ~ believe

I realize the reason why I’m crying these tears
But I’ll overcome them, right now I’m looking up towards the sky

Don’t run away

The rainbow towards tomorrow cannot been seen if you run away
(Don’t let it fall, Let’s go)

The heart feels like it is crushed (sometimes)
Because before your eyes face reality, you run away, (That’s why, That’s why)
It is an impossible thing the way it is now
And though I understand it, I can’t change it (Kana)

But when you’re by yourself
Don’t tell a lie
(Hey, let it flow)
You can start walking again

Even when I am harsh, you show courage
(Keep go on and on)
You’re always beside me

I can feel those feelings
When we are together, they even become stronger
When I seem to eventually lose myself
Believe yourself, believe

KEEP ON TRYIN’ ( Just try )
TRYIN’ ( and try )
JUST TRY(ippai mo hitori janai)
KEEP ON TRYIN’ ( TRY TRY )
TRY TRY
AND TRY not to lose ground by running away, you got to FIGHT BACK
To the top (to the top) from the streets (from the streets)
I’ll Try and Try (I’ll Try and Try) (TRY TRY)
Don’t lose one’s time, you can change and have some life (LIFE)

One life, failure after failure is life but once more we want to laugh at the end
I shine together we’re Fly’in to light
There won’t be a tomorrow without trouble
As for all times, wouldn’t everyone say there are mountains and valleys?
How can there be level roadways if I already stumbled over them once before?

I stand up again and begin to walk
How many times must I crawl even as I run and run after losing my breath?
When I don’t advance, life is a battle
You are your greatest rival

lalala I don’t miss the eyes of life
lalala life…my life

Failure after failure is life but once more
You can start walking

I can feel those feelings beside you
When we are together, they even become stronger
When I seem to eventually lose myself
Believe yourself, believe

I can feel those feelings beside you
When we are together, they even become stronger
When I seem to eventually lose myself
Believe yourself, believe

Don’t run away

The rainbow towards tomorrow cannot be seen if you run away

P.s: the piano is so mesmerizing in this song!

This is the second night in a row that I'm eating Seafood Omelette Rice for dinner and it is probably really bad for my system. I feel the fats inching nearer and nearer! And there's no vege! =(

I should somehow figure out a way to cook a big bunch of vegetables that will last me the whole week or at least, half of it.

If the lack of vegetables in my diet sounds horrifying enough, a girl in the Japanese queue redefined the whole meaning of horrifying. I know that karma is going to get me back in some way or the other, but I must say this because it was amazing behaviour. Before she arrived at the scene, her boyfriend was queueing up for her, waiting for his Yakiniku. Upon her dramatic entrance, she projected her voice at least 10m away in a super high upset, teh voice "I WANT CHAWAAANMUSSHIII" and proceeded to laser-glare down her boyfriend with the "AND YOU ARE GUILTY OF NOT ORDERING FOR ME" look. Off with chiur head, it read, with her hands on her hips and her legs sauntering forward. The effect was amazing.

So the good boy ordered chawanmushi for her. Minutes later, our ever efficient Japanese stall service staff whipped out a chawanmushi on the counter, still hot from its steaming. "Be careful, its still very hot" our good man said in Mandarin. Now, our puzzled adolescent stared at the chawanmushi, still mentally figuring out what would be the best way to transfer it onto his tray without burning his fingers to oblivion. And just then, the subject's girlfriend turned on her heel in a sharp 180 degrees turn and strutted off.

I really really have to give the Japanese guy a lot of praise though. Apart from noticing the girl and her boyfriend, I was also noticing him in the way he handled out customer service and I was really impressed.

To start with, I fished out a $50 note from my wallet, expecting a dirty look I always receive when I give big notes. On the contrary, he took it without a word when I expected a grumble, promptly took out the change, and here's the impressive part - he spread out the $10 and $5 Yusof Ishaks perfectly on his hand, with equal distance between each note like a fan. Then, he topped it off with coins and gave it to me with two hands.

In addition, I also noticed that despite his shuttling back and forth between the kitchen, between the front of the shop and cooking, he never gave a single customer an annoyed look even when they look their time to look at their menu before ordering. Finally, when my food came, he put the da-paoed omu rice into the little red plastic bag IN THE CENTRE. Oh my god I wanted to cry in joy. I am sick of people just chucking food into the bag without adjusting it to the centre, resulting in tilted food when you go off, making everything in the container a mess from an earthquake.

And as a final topping, he gave me a smile (:

And get this, he's not even Japanese so there's nothing to justify his politeness. He's from China. Shame on all you lousy service staff.