sorry
There are so many things that I want to say now but I have no way of expressing it. The words just won't come. But I will try with whatever words I can struggle with. Its not going to turn out the way which I intended it to, but its something that I can't really control right now.
It's not the workload. It's the people and the environment. I would gladly - no, not gladly, but not unhappily either, study all my damn notes and sit for the exam and get my marks at the end of the day. But it seems as though there's a glass roof that I keep hitting despite the effort. And at the end of the day, though people may say that, hey, this is your last leg of the race, just get it done and get it over with and you're already the top 8% in Singapore. That's not the point. Even if you're the top 8%, only the top 1% of that 8% actually have what people say, 'the choice at the buffet table'. And I can't work for anything if there's nothing to work for. I don't have a goal to work towards to. The most vaguest of ideas now would be do a job I don't hate, get enough money for a decent living, and pay everything back to my parents. But unfortunately most of the time those 2 goals don't co-exist. It's either do something I like and be broke or suffer hard work (harder than everyone else) or do something I hate but get more money. Aside from that, the smaller issues can be traced down to even the more trivial stuff like most of my friends dropping out of university. It's one thing to have all of them drop out at the same time and leave you there as you flop on your own and its another thing to see them happy in whatever they want to pursue. I don't wish to be someone else. But I do hope that I had a stronger personality. Right now I've been keeping myself in check so hard that its scaring myself. Forgetting to smile, forgetting to cry,forgetting to be unhappy. I feel like internally there's a cup and there's water being poured into it constantly. And now its just overflowing and I'm not emptying it. I'm not overstretched or overcommitted to anything. My time management is fine. And I really hate to whine, I really hate to cry. If I could I would bite back everything. I feel pathetic that I'm so easily upset like this over stupid matters. Its a catch 22 (or was it 21?) situation.I really feel disgusted. But at the same time I can't let myself slip for even a second. Because it just takes 1 moment for everything to come crashing down. I'm not making much sense. And neither am i paragraphing. I don't care. This sem I had already wasted 2 days of school because I was too depressed to leave my room. I can't afford to waste anymore. But if I don't find the source, I will never figure it out. As of now, I'm just going to have to force myself.
It's not the workload. It's the people and the environment. I would gladly - no, not gladly, but not unhappily either, study all my damn notes and sit for the exam and get my marks at the end of the day. But it seems as though there's a glass roof that I keep hitting despite the effort. And at the end of the day, though people may say that, hey, this is your last leg of the race, just get it done and get it over with and you're already the top 8% in Singapore. That's not the point. Even if you're the top 8%, only the top 1% of that 8% actually have what people say, 'the choice at the buffet table'. And I can't work for anything if there's nothing to work for. I don't have a goal to work towards to. The most vaguest of ideas now would be do a job I don't hate, get enough money for a decent living, and pay everything back to my parents. But unfortunately most of the time those 2 goals don't co-exist. It's either do something I like and be broke or suffer hard work (harder than everyone else) or do something I hate but get more money. Aside from that, the smaller issues can be traced down to even the more trivial stuff like most of my friends dropping out of university. It's one thing to have all of them drop out at the same time and leave you there as you flop on your own and its another thing to see them happy in whatever they want to pursue. I don't wish to be someone else. But I do hope that I had a stronger personality. Right now I've been keeping myself in check so hard that its scaring myself. Forgetting to smile, forgetting to cry,forgetting to be unhappy. I feel like internally there's a cup and there's water being poured into it constantly. And now its just overflowing and I'm not emptying it. I'm not overstretched or overcommitted to anything. My time management is fine. And I really hate to whine, I really hate to cry. If I could I would bite back everything. I feel pathetic that I'm so easily upset like this over stupid matters. Its a catch 22 (or was it 21?) situation.I really feel disgusted. But at the same time I can't let myself slip for even a second. Because it just takes 1 moment for everything to come crashing down. I'm not making much sense. And neither am i paragraphing. I don't care. This sem I had already wasted 2 days of school because I was too depressed to leave my room. I can't afford to waste anymore. But if I don't find the source, I will never figure it out. As of now, I'm just going to have to force myself.
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