Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||||||||| 43% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 80% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 80% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 80% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70% Conflictseeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||| 30% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pancomplex |||||||||||||| 60% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||| 60% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||||||| 40% Physicalfitness |||||||||||| 50% Religious |||||||||||||| 60% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Indie |||||| 30%

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Beauty in chaos.

I realised that if I lived in complete silence, then nothing would get me. Honestly. It was only when I heard voices, that everything just felt so raw again. And I really do not understand why.

Recently, there has been a pre-occupation with love. It is not so much wanting to be in love, but rather, the idea of being in love with love itself. With society promoting marriages and basically, the 'groupie' syndrome, it is pretty tough to be labelled as Single. I mean, usually, the first reaction when you find out someone is single is think,

1. How come people are/are not chasing her/him?

2. So poor thing

3. Don't worry, there's someone out there for you

But, why should there be? It is perfectly acceptable to be single. I understand the feeling of wanting company on lonely nights or at times when you want to share your extreme sadness and joy with someone, wanting to lean on someone's shoulder, wanting to walk down the middle of the road in the wee hours of the morning hand-in-hand with someone and appreciate the stillness and fragility of the city in slumber. However, I just do not understand this societal peer pressure to get attached. Not that it is a bad thing - but there just seems to be a let's-pair-everyone-up social norm. It is quite stifling.

But my post today is not going to be about this, actually. I am just digressing. The idea of this whole post actually popped up the other day when I was caught in what I call the No Man's Weather. It pretty much is the concept of No Man's Land, just, in the air. So there I was - gawking at the clouds in amazement much like a Primary school kid oogling at a new Tamiya car model (sorry if you are from a different generation, but Tamiya cars were part of mine). The world on my left was looking all ominous with its dark, pregnant clouds prowling above the backdrop of the HDB blocks, looming over the trees and terrifying the rushing pedestrians on the street whose numbers were quickly decreasing. It looked like a disturbing primary school kid's drawing whereby the sky was just one pure shade of black, making the surrounding buildings and trees stark in contrast. It was almost like the whole world were in a vacuum, or on the verge of being swallowed by a black hole.

And on my right, the picture perfect Singapore taken right out of a postcard. Gay sunlight shone down on a riot of colours contributed by the vivid greens and dirty browns of nature and the surrounding HDBs, the vibrancy of life exuberated by the bustling activity of people. And of course, big fluffy chunks of cloud drifted lazily above all of it, almost in approval of everything going on below.

Right there and then, I wanted to take a photo so badly that could capture all this in. Seriously, I wish they could implant some lens device into my eyes to take photos of moments like these because it was simply breathetaking. And so I stayed there, staring at the sky for at least 5 minutes, watching the dark world on my left slowly slink towards the happy world on my right and devour everything.

A night never to forget, the spotlight is on our knights in shining armor!

It never fails to impress, and amaze me, that the guys I know are so gentlemanly. Today at Phuture, I got a first-hand experience in witnessing this trait and I must say, I really respect you guys for that. It really seems as if its true - if you're a guy in a club, you are either the predator or the sentinel. And the only way you can have any fun is to be the predator. But the guys I know still come along despite being shoved, kicked, stepped on, pushed, bashed and basically very physically abused in a bid to protect us girls. It is never fun being a sentinel. So to that, kudos to you!

I managed to escape the night relatively unscathed, with the exception of the only physical contact being that of being tapped on the shoulder incessantly by California Guy to dance (who quickly got shoved off by Nico), and well, being molested by Sarah. But I do not mind the latter so much. HAHA.

So once again, thank you for allowing me to have a wonderful time with the girls, and of course, with you guys - Julian, Red, Roy, Rico, Kenneth, Andre and Koon Hui!

Now brewing: Guatamala, Kenya, Sumatra, Tanzania and Happiness, Pour Over Cone style!

I forgot to mention yesterday, but belly dancing class was awesome. If possible, I might take it up after I come back from Perth. I want my abs, honey!

Stepping back into SB-LT again after the flood and after months really feels like walking into a different world. Physically, it is so different. And I mean every single part of it. From the floor, and up to even the lights and the aircon. A mix of emotions rush at me.

I feel a little sad that the warm, cosy charm that the old LT had is gone, but I am also excited and impressed by the new look. I guess its because it is still a little too early to judge, because this is after all, such a drastic change. Well, who knows? Maybe in the future this new LT may exude the cosiness that the old LT had - it just takes time to become comfortable with everything again. And I guess it helps that the heartware is the same. Seeing familiar faces, and some not so familiar, really brought back a feeling that I have not had in a while. I think together, we can and will make this new LT a roaring success. Because, hey, I just realised after stepping in today, how much I love my store and the people there.

On other things, I think that nightmare did awake the sleeping dragon inside of me. It cleared my mind totally, and it made me come to a single conclusion without a single regret. I believe that what I said today, I said it in all honesty, with my heart and soul pegged to it. And you know, after finally saying everything out and being honest with myself for once in a very long while, it really felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

I think I will have a better dream tonight.

In the darkest of nights

Weird things do happen, and yes I do believe that somehow, nightmares are the reflection of our deepest darkest fears and worries that we bury so deep inside, that sometimes only the subconscious is aware of it. I had a nightmare last night - my only precious 1 hour of sleep that I managed to get after tossing and turning in my bed like salt jumping up and down on a frying pan. I know what my thoughts were full of, and the conflicting emotions were a major pain in the ass. Either way, I know ultimately as much as I worry, as much as I hate everything that is starting, in the process of, or done happening, nothing changes.

Scratched too hard, bite too deep

I was sitting in front of the laptop scratching my neck unconsciously when I suddenly felt the sickening wetness on my fingers. I had scratched so hard that my neck was just blooming with red. And I was like, "hoh, shit."

This happens to me a lot. I unconsciously behave in a certain way or do certain things that I am not consciously aware that I am making an effort at doing until I actually hit a vein. It really is terrible. I could begin to list the many things that qualify under this category like overworking myself, pushing myself in every aspect of life or being too close to someone and not knowing what is the limit, but the list is simply too long, and the night is not so young anymore. And what happens at the end of the day is I end up leaving a scar on myself.

I really wonder why I behave this way. They say that experiences and beliefs shape a person, but its hard to pinpoint what belief and what experience is responsible for this. In the first place, I seem to derive some sick joy of pushing myself this hard. It is like, hah, take that world! In your face!

And this seems to only have surfaced recently. Earlier on, my stand would have been to have little to do with the world as possible, but now the little irrational devil inside of me just wants to get into everyone's face. It is both a good and a bad thing. So, where do you draw the line? And speaking of line, my neck is still dripping. Ugh. It's times like these that you need a vampire for a boyfriend.


Oh, and I went quote-hunting! Here's a few I particularly liked!

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. -- Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.-- Albert Camus

Talk about a blast from the past - and a pretty big one, at that. I had thought that everything in my life was finally stabilising, but I just had to go check my 2-years worth of unchecked e-mails in my hotmail account. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, and the feelings that came after that. It was really as if the lock over my emotions had been popped open after my rather successful efforts at containing it. I guess this would be what you call life biting you in the butt.

And oh, what terrible reprecussions it held.

Sometimes I just feel like the plague of the earth.

Breaking dawn

I just realised that I have 365 posts already, and this will be my 366th. Which means that if I allocate one post to each day of the year, I could read through my whole entire blog hehe.

The start of school never fails to shock me. The corridors are buzzing with life which sometimes gets annoying, endless bazaars, familiar faces, the adrenalin from work... it really is a big difference from the ghost town I am so used to in the holidays.

Yet, undernearth this vibe, there's something definitely remotely different about this semester. New friendships that were formed are definitely slowly blooming, and old ones have definitely died for good. It is both heartening and disheartening. I cannot decide what I should feel now. But I guess for starters, it would help to get some well-deserved sleep.

Time to change my world

When you were with me at that time

I chased your shadow and ran barefooted, stop me

- rose by ANNA inspi' NANA

Semester 1 officially starts tomorrow. I'm a little excited, and a little sian. But nevertheless, throw whatever you have at me. This is going to be breathe-taking, I assure you.

Playing on heartstrings

It really is kind of amazing how time seems to fly when you are occupied with so many things. This 3 month holiday has felt very much like a mere 1 month. Currently, the start of the semester looks pretty ominous. For one, my future in NUS looks pretty unstable, and I am not sure if I would be able to minor in anything in time - much less take my honours. Also, I both dread and look forward to seeing people in school. It really is a very tiring process.

I got off the phone with my partner the other day and she told me that Starbucks Liat Towers is re-opening on the 21st of this month. It produced a really mixed feeling inside while I was staring down at my crispy beef noodle at dinner. Despite all that has happened so far, I know that deep down I would miss some of the partners and the regulars at Wisma. Yet at the same time, I am really glad that I would be back with my awesome LT partners. And a little part of me worries that I will not be able to cope with the demands of LT again, after being pampered or rather, allowed to slacken a lot at Wisma. It is both a very attractive challenge and a very daunting fear.

The passing of rag is also something that has numbed me the past few days. I still feel the constant need to go for rehearsals, or to check my calender for cheer practices, or even to call or msg my fellow raggers and see what time they would be down at the rag site. I guess it really is hard to digest that 3 months of crazy hard work, toiling night after night, is actually gone in 24 hours. I know I will still see them in school when the semester starts, but we all know that the feeling will be so different.

I feel like there's a vacuum in my life now. 2 months ago, I threw the life I knew away for rag and now that rag is gone, I feel the discarded parts of my life running back, demanding to be attended to. It is unpleasant, really. If rag was a distraction, it was a damn bloody good one.

I do not know how things will play out from here on, but I do hope, that at the end of the day, everything will fit into place - leaving no room for disgust, regret and disappointment.

"Without me, my rag is nothing.

Without my rag,

I.am.nothing."

Not-so-parting words

I woke up this morning with an unexplainable feeling, but I think the closest thing that would describe it would be emptiness. And I fully understand the reason why.

I would say that Rag has been one of the few fucking awesome memories in my life. It has really taught me a lot about myself, about people, and about life. And so, today, I really want to thank every single one of you in this note who have brought back the light to my university life. I know I already have thanked some of you in notes, but I'll still thank you again, no matter how many times that would take. So do bear with me if I am being long-winded. :)

You see, without rag, I probably would not be the person that most of you know, and also, I might not even be here. Prior to rag, I was going through a really rough patch and it was really really really bad. I confess, I joined Rag not just because I loved dancing, and my OG mates also wanted to join, but one of the biggest push factors was that I wanted a distraction to occupy my mind. But I did not expect to get back so much more.

It really is unexplainable, and I still do not understand it, but being with you guys through every single practice, every single session at the rag site, or even with meals, gave me the strength to get through that rough patch and has made me the better person that I am today. Also, buying chicken salad to diet for body suit measurements always backfires.

I have deep respect for all of you. Seeing people injure themselves in cheer, injure themselves doing tech, provoking old injuries, or even injuring themselves in numerous incredible stupid ways and still deciding to pull through with it and giving it their 1001% really touched me a lot, and egged me to give my 1001% as well. It has really taught me a lot about people, who I used to be very cynical about.

Also, I used to believe that my sense of belonging in University was with my OG. I did not feel much towards my CCA or my faculty. I did not feel proud of Arts per se - it was just that I did not like the other faculties because I am a bitch. But now I do. In fact, I shocked myself when I left my OG after an hour on beach day because I realised that I enjoyed hanging out with the raggers so much in comparison. (or maybe its because I don't know the new batch of freshies.)
I understand that Arts is full of psycho people like the raggers, who either have nothing to do or they burn their holidays building a gigantic elephant which crushed the other faculties (pun!). Either way, they are a-m-a-z-i-ng. And I do believe that for this kind of decision, they must probably be one of the best few individuals in arts.

So I should probably shut up now after typing my 500 word essay. I believe all of you are either bored or mindfucked by this note in some way or another. But once again, for all the literal sweat, tears and blood, a big big thanks to all the inner sluts, outer sluts, bitches, assholes, birds, and not-quite-human people! (you all know which categories you all fit into HA. And yes, insults are a term of endearment!)

I will definitely come back for rag next year in some way or another, and I sure hope to see familiar faces there! Oh, and I will see all of you in school. I hope none of our friendships end here ya! And so, I will end this note on a very appropriate quote by our wonderful bitchy choreographer who never fails to have awe-inspiring herbal essence hair.

I quote: "PEEEEAAAApeaaarrrlll, gather!"

2 days to rag, I is very very nervous. MUST WIN.

Rag fever

As much as RAG is draining the life out of me - eyebags, fatigue, grouchy bitchy moodswings and all - it never dawned on me until today how much it has been instrumental in pulling me back up. And it is something I am so grateful for.

Today, when Shane was talking about how people ask him why he joins Rag and he cannot find an answer for it, I totally understand what he meant. If people were to ask me to join rag next year, I would. And I do not know why. There's just really something about the whole forum blasting with chill music while you're sitting down with people and talking cock while spray-painting the shit out of some macaroni or something. Or it can even be something as simple as walking down to Cheers and eating cup noodles for supper together at a table. Or even talking and gossiping till we fall asleep, heads together, our bodies fanned out like a flower in the rag room which teems of paint.

I wanted a distraction, but I ended up finding an unforgettable experience, making new friends who will definitely be sticking around in university, and getting to sniff glue everyday. HAH!

I don't know how I will be able to deal with tearing the whole structure down on Friday. It will be emotional as hell, and I will really really miss rag. This sounds like a premature post, but its
alright. When the time comes, I will blog again.

This is my rag. There are many others like it, but THIS ONE IS MINE!