Try

It's times like these where I'm not really sure of what I should be doing or what I am doing, for that matter.

"The world is catching up to you while you're running away to chase your dream"

I really, just don't have any motivation left. Just what am I working towards.

Ladies and Gentlemen, hold onto the sides

We're taking the plunge.

Life has been pretty crazy lately with exams, emotional turmoil and completely unexpected stuff happening.

First and foremost, there is no point to having an exam. Reason being is that I have realized that whether or not you study, it seriously does not make a difference in the actual exam. You will find yourself staring at the paper, wondering if you're in the wrong exam and going 'WTF' at the questions.

Secondly, my sense of time has seriously been screwed up. 8 days feel like 1 day. Yet, at the same time, the time between days feel like 1 week. It totally does not make sense.

Thirdly, I never really thought I'd be in such a situation in my life. Ever. So, there goes Plan B out of the window....

Decisions, stress and a whole shitload of ego-deflating binging.

Oxygen level: Lowww

I never thought time would pass by so fast and I would be in a position to take exams again, but here I am. In any case, I seriously need to insert more control into my life before it goes totally haywire. I think I have given up trying to identify with any emotion because I just have too many coming at me at the same time, each trying to get up on the podium to voice their complaint. I guess you could say that my asthma acting up big time has somehow screwed up my brain because it is not receiving enough oxygen, too. And being pissed off at myself is evidently not helping.

As of such, you could say that the exams help.

So I think I really should take the additional step to cement it in stone.


I will be on emotional and social hiatus for the next 2weeks until the 2nd of December.

And I need sleep.

morning reds

Sometimes being oh-so pissed off helps you think so much damn clearer.

Fuck, I should be pissed off all the time then maybe I wouldn't be such a dickhead.

Sinful food.

Talk about sinful food man. I'm sitting here eating tiramisu and I just choked on the cocoa powder that I had sprinkled all over it.

And now I can't breathe dammit.

Wtf. Who said being greedy can't hurt?

Past midnight laments

A tit for tat? That just doesn't quite cut it.

Social experiments

One of the things that is awesome ( I should not be overusing this word ) about studying in public due to my inability to study in sheer ABSOLUTE SILENCE (this is for you, jac) is that I can people watch.

And it always amuses me to no end.

Unconsciously, we actually set up little 'situations' for people in everything we do. For example, If I'm in the lift and someone enters, (and I do believe that this was studied before) there is a 9/10 chance that the person wouldn't give a rat's ass about you and would not say 'thank you' for your often negligible effort of holding the door open for them. Anyway, I'm digressing. So today I was put into an uncomfortable situation of having no nearby power plugs available at starbucks.

Option 1: There was a table just next to the door with a power plug. However, due to my own personal paranoia after getting my phone snatched from my own table before, I refuse to sit there because anyone can run by and snag my bag. Or laptop. And also, there is a 90% chance that I would get a headache after just 10 minutes. It's just too damn bloody glaring. I really should get used to light.

Option 2: a chair at the side but its far away from the power plugs which is at the other side of the room. So if I were to connect my laptop, I'd have a wire cutting the walkway into half.

Obviously I went with 2.

And before I realized it, I had set up a situation for people. Everytime someone walked by I would unconsciously freeze and press down on my laptop in case it got sent flying by lousy person who doesn't look at the floor when he or she walks.

Someone once said to me:

"Why do you keep your head or chin out and stare at the sky?
You'll find bird shit only.
Stare at the floor
And you might find money.
Or, at least you can avoid the dog shit."

So out of the 5 people that walked past, 1 person tripped over the wire and nearly sent my laptop flying across the room. Well, I feel kind of bad for making him trip but hey, at least now I know that 1/5 people don't look at the floor when they walk.

Hmm.

I really need to find better purpose in life HAHAHA.

tell me what to feel

It is times like these that I feel like a white canvas. As time passes by, a myriad of colours would simply start to appear, some deeper than the others.



Yellow for Joy

Blue for Sadness

Orange for Excitement

Green for Jealousy

Grey for Depression

Black for Morbidness

Red for Anger



Pink for Love.





Tell me what to feel...





It's seriously so mind-fucking. Am I really sure of this?

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?

We are turning into dust

Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

- broken strings (James Morrison)

omg la?!

OMG THIS IS CRAZY.

Yes, you. You know it is.


Well, suckk on it!

Nostalgia

It's rather uncanny that I haven't taken even one look at our dance performance video in 2008 since I got it. I haven't even taken a look at the pictures either.

But due to an explainable urge that has possessed me, I find myself sitting here and watching the entire performance, gawking at the screen as familiar memories flash by.

And within that whole 1 and a 1/2 hours, a subliminal sensation of warmth filled me inside as each dance made its transition.

And you know,

I really miss CJ Dance. =(


No matter how much I whined about having to go for CCA and my knees hurting after every training, no matter how lousy I felt in Dance compared to the other dancers, you know,

I feel proud to have been able to be part of it.

Really, I do.
Thank you.

I think, in the future, when I'm lost, I will be able to always find my answers.

In dance.

Too many things, too little time.

Don't be rash, she says.

You're still young, SHE says.

Follow your heart if it makes you happy, HE SAYS.

but I don't want to, s.h.e. says.



And I say fuck, fuck, fuck that :D

rehab

Never say Never - The fray

There's some things we don't talk about

Rather do without

And just hold the smile

Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x4]

morning rants

3 hours of bloody sleep.


FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.