extreme inertia

It's funny how when I want to write, I suffer from an extremely serious mental block and nothing that comes out ever sounds good. And for some ridiculous reason, this mental block only lifts itself during exams and its when I want to write the most.

What the hell is wrong with me!?

MOSy

It just dawned on me today that without my awesome self-control and my book of instilled values to keep me in check, I can be pretty darn monstrous. And unfortunately this self-control tends to weaken when things go wrong for me consecutively so that's something I will really have to work on.

I'm currently sitting at MOS and freezing my ass off. Studying so far has been so-so. Got 3 papers to clear by Tuesday! SSA2202, NM1101E, LAJ2201 and my own outside exam tomorrow. Gah. Talk about overkill. But somehow I think I'd manage pretty well (despite leaving my NM notes in school ARGH.)

Coming back to this place brings back memories. Sitting at the same spots I used to sit at every single day for the past 3 months before A levels from 10am-9pm, it pretty much feels like home. And I cannot believe I actually forgot how bloody cold this place was. And I'm not even wearing a skirt this time.

But hey, some things don't change. I still recognise some of the staff after 2 years and all the decoraton is the same. Thank god they changed the horrible music, though.

A sudden thought came to me while I was studying. I thought, despite having disappeared from this place for 2 years, it still feels like only a day has passed. And its quite a scary thought. Imagine 50 years down the road, I come back here (assuming its still around) and the place is still timeless. Imagine 50 years after that, I'm dead and there's no proof of me having ever been there.

Insert the second thought: My life during JC was like a blank in my memory. I wouldn't call it much of a life being in limbo most of the time, but it suddenly hit me that sitting here and mugging for the pursuit of grades and for no other purpose in my life was an exact deja vu of JC. For who am I studying for? Definitely not myself. And for what purpose? Does it really matter that I get straight As, get on the Dean's List and graduate with 1st class honours? Does it matter in the end if I get a PHD? How does that ever contribute to my happiness? Sometimes I think that just doing odd jobs part-time would possibly make me happier than I would be sitting in a cushy office with a pompous-looking PHD framed up on the wall behind me. Even if odd jobs don't pay as well.

I feel like I'm on a conveyor belt. Primary school -> Secondary school-> JC -> University. And when I'm out, its a boot to the ass into the working life which would then carry on for a long while before I hit the next stage of Retirement and shortly after, permanent Termination.

Like the song I'm listening to now suggests, I feel like I'm building pyramids. All of us struggle to build up something majestic from scratch, something to be proud of, to be recognised, till we run out of bricks and mortar and then we are completely at a loss of what to do.

We forget that before we started this grand escapade, we were human and alive.
And suddenly, I feel like everything related to studies seem pointless.
Why not leave a permanent mark in this world by doing something more meaningful?

Of course, don't ask me what that would be. If I knew, I wouldn't be blogging this.


.. time to go back to my milk tea and my mound of papers.

terminations

EMCC is finally over and I still have the horrible feeling of inertia. When people ask me if I have anything after this, I have to think twice before saying "Nope." if not the first thing that would come out of my mouth would be "yeah, dance."

As much as I totally love having nothing to do and leave the rest of the day for myself to fill in, I kinda miss dance. I never had the extremely homely feeling from it but hey, it was something that I enjoyed a lot (at least, on good days). And somehow, when I was still dancing, I felt more energised during the day. Lethargy was hardly an issue.

And I adore the feeling of walking into the UCC dance studio. Having to find my name on the list, sign in, take a pass and walk through the dubious backdoor behind the security post, I kind of feel like I was going for some secret underground meeting or some privileged VIP preview.

But hey, its over and for the time that it was there, it was completely awesome. The time on stage, though nerve-wrecking, was mindblowing. It was an amazing sensation dancing on stage, being scrutinised by everyone in the audience and thinking, just sitting there in the sea of faces is my mom and my sister (or that asshole and the polar bear for the 2nd night). I'm not used to people seeing me dance so having put so much practice into it, getting scolded, corrected and discriminated against so many times, I was really proud to show them why I love dance so much.

Towards curtain call. All sweaty and makeup half gone already

Me and Ze Yu just before Zhiwen's item

BROKENCYDE WILL NEVER DIE!

I think, it was pretty obvious even though I was dying on stage trying to catch my breathe.

And one of the things that I love the most after concerts would be:

From the Asshole (:

From my sister and my mother


From Zhiwen (I don't have a picture of his letter, champagne and chocolates because I was REHEARSING :( )

It brought a really BIG smile to my face, apart from your being there. Thank you so much!

And thank you everyone in my items, especially my choreographers who had so much patience with me when I cannot get the moves right or when I was not able to attend rehearsals! You guys are GREAT (:

On another note, I am so totally getting a new pet. AND HE WILL BE NAMED JACKII (;

And boy, Jackii, are you EXPENSIVE.

feel the love~

7 days to EMCC. OMG.

Anyway, I returned home at 1145pm, feeling so extremely hungry that I decided to stalk my fridge and wolf down whatever I saw available - which turned out to be a really scrumptious muffin! And my mother, who heard me complaining on how hungry I was, surprised me with some new oats someone gave during CNY.

It was a weird sensation. It was probably the worst and the best oats I've ever tasted. The worst because it was watery, it tasted funny (it was cinnamon and apple flavoured but it was gross cause she just added water and oats) and it just smelled pretty off. And the best, because, well, it was really sweet of her after she's been calling me stupid, useless and immature for the past few CNY days on a daily ranting basis.

So hey, it tasted disgusting but it was full of love.

And needless to say, I did my best to eat everything.

piling up

Life's been getting pretty crazy lately with all my commitments. Kinda reminds me of my history teacher in Secondary School when he was talking about Hitler.

I still remember this was what he said : "Hitler was trying to be HERO. H for....and R O for RESOURCES OVERSTRETCH"

I kinda feel like Hitler now. I can't conquer the world and I am definitely overstretched =(
If this was how he must have felt, it was no wonder he was always so cranky. And kinda bald.

But hey, I'm glad I have certain people in my life around when the shit starts to pile up. And for that, thanks =)

Btw, I was feeling really low till I heard this song a few minutes ago, and for some apparent reason, it made me feel so much better.


Alone - Glee/ Haert

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Alone, alone


The Glee version is simply beautiful!

To er, is human.

To rawr and say your idea is "dumb" is Godzilla :D


Don't mind my totally self-indulgent moment.