Anyone ordered a one-way trip to heaven?

I had fun today. After struggling (alot), I finally reached East Coast Park with THEBOY.

Special thanks here to Starfish - my walking street directory and my guardian angel to guide me to the heavenly katong laksa!!!!

Hmm we bladed a bit from that other shop that offers a free drink. So wasted. The blades CUT ME!!! It was so painful that I had to turn back after 1 hr and KO. Wasted my 10bucks. I'll go to the store that I went to earlier with Amplify in the future. Sheesh. And the blades stunk so much more. Ugh. Thanks to THEBOY for blading back to get my shoes.... you're very sweet dear :)

We crashed at macs soon after. I just ordered a cheeseburger. Damn those pickles. Woman couldn't understand what i was trying to order. It went something like this:

Me: One cheeseburger meal, no pickles
woman: Huh? No cheeseburger?
Me: Nooo no pickles
Woman: Huh? nonono! Cannot!
Me: ?!
Woman: cheeseburger no meal
Me: !??!!?
woman: Only for double cheeseburger!
Me: OH
Woman: So just the cheeseburger?
Me: yea, with no pickles.
woman: With pickles?
Me: GAAAH No pickles!!!

After that thanks to my bad sense of direction and with divine help from Starfish, I managed to un-lost myself and reach 328 Katong Laksa! HEAVEN! <3 Well, at least until I saw a cockroach running around.

Soon after, I caught Spiderman 3 at jubilee (last show some more!!!!) but boy was the cinema packed. Hmmm spiderman 3 was not bad but there were some draggy parts which made me feel so restless =(
Oh yea, and the ending sucks. Cute rich guy should not die. I wonder if there's a number 4?

Was about 7 by the time it ended. Since dragon dearest was ill, I bought lin yang for her cough and bubble tea for myself (YES! WITH MINI PEARLS!!). Then THEBOY sent me off to the bus stop.

Somehow or rather, I decided to ask him the question that I've been saving for another occassion. And I got my reply.

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I don't really know what to think. Was really in a mess. Maybe what I predicted in the previous post was true after all. I'm vulnerable to crumbling this very instant....even contemplating distancing myself.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

When I got up the bus, a rush of emotions went through me. So unglamarous right? haha.. it got worse when I got home. I didn't eat dinner today. Maybe I'll eat some biscuits later. And no, I am not anorexic.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I really felt so terrible I called up Tudi (aka John John) .. had a 10-minute chat with him.. and I guess he smoothened things out very clearly for me. I don't feel so confused now, just, maybe slightly empty. But anyway,

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

thank you SO MUCH Tudi... you really made me feel so much better ((: what you said made a lot of sense... I think I should just relaks and let him sort it out himself. After all, yea its not my problem.. its his problem...

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
PLEASE DON'T WALK AWAY AND
PLEASE TELL ME YOU'LL STAY, STAY

haha on a lighter note, I got CIP tomorrow! Selling flags at Bradell! Anyone interested in donating?! haha! Oh and this song thats in italics... its
GUARDIAN ANGEL - THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I just heard it when I reached home and I could really relate to it.... in fact I'm still blasting it now. If I'm not wrong my blog music is that song (: It's a really BEAUTIFUL song...

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven[to fade]

All along, I felt that if I closed my eyes and just fell back, someone would catch me. But now, I'll just hit the cold concrete.

The line between love and hate is thinner than air.

Is it possible to hate somebody you love?

Ironically, yes. In fact, I hate to love you but I just can't help myself. Perhaps, its because we're so close and you know my complicated personality inside-out... and it scares me.

Nobody in my life has ever been that close to me before. You see, it is typical of me to build up walls all around me because I grew up alone. Unlike some of you lucky arsses out there, I spent most of my childhood facing four walls talking to myself to block out the silence and my only relief was from 6pm-7pm where I would go to the park and play with the soccer boys... I'm not used to company. Any form of company I had was dead (non-living) and the only few people who knew a side of me was my maid, my dog and my grandmother.

Alas fate is cruel and the last two are no longer with me. I think he enjoys watching me suffer in sadistically amusing situations. Retarded asshole.

My maid (I prefer to call her Aunty) is still with me but I hardly talk to her anymore...Not that I don't want to... but after that initial stage of primary school-hood and you're left alone, I grew up to only count on myself... I feel awkward sharing my problems with people.

Most of the time I'm hearing other people's problems. Ironic isn't it?

But now with you around, I feel vulnerable.

You always ask why do I feel so insecure? It's because you've already anchored yourself so deeply in my life ... having someone else other than myself to depend on is like a fucking drug. And well, our relationship is just too perfect it seems so superficial... sometimes I think one day you're just going to turn around and say, "okay, cut. We've finally filmed the last scene. Lets pack up and go home! This movie is going to hit box-office!" and I'd hear applause from people sitting in cinema seats.

I tried distancing myself from you before. There was one period of time I acted like a total bitch and picked out the most picayune of flaws to create some argument between us so that we'd be more like a normal couple... but I failed, miserably. I just can't detach myself from you.

I know I'm going to get hurt like this. This totally betrays the attitude I have nurtured from young. The walls are meant to make sure I don't get hurt so why am I letting you in? I don't let my parents in, nor my cousins, nor my friends (except for jaz and nicole)... so why are you so special? I feel I'm stupid and yet I don't do anything about it. Is it already too late?

Funny thing is, I always say you love me more than I love you but why am I saying that so often? Am I just trying to convince myself that I still have that gap between me and you so I can deny that I will get hurt if anything happens? Initially, the most important thing to me is myself. I have to protect myself from anything because nobody will protect me... but why is that gone now?

I don't want to be hurt by you. The only person capable of hurting me is myself. So pathetic as this may sound, I want this fairytale to carry on, without it shattering for another hotter and sweeter girl. I know I'm not a nice person. My personality is bitchy, indifferent, demanding,
grouchy and I would rarely admit that I love someone. You might want a prettier girl who is bubbly, enthusiastic and would gladly announce to the world and everyone along orchard road that she loves you. I ain't affectionate. Any bimbo affection you see me do is probably a facade. But I'm trying to change and be the ideal girl you would want (I'm even trying to get along with kids now and being friendly to people!) .. but I don't want you to love this facade... I want you to love the real me that nobody else can see...

The thing that really hit me one day was when you said "I know you la, if I leave you now you won't be able to take it. I know you love me too much,you'll do something stupid"

I wanted to argue, I wanted to preserve my pride.

But the words couldn't come out.

Cause I know it was true and I hate myself for it. Badly.

apples

Have not blogged for long cause of fucking blogger that is so fucking screwed up.. I will not blog about the recent happenings because I really don’t feel like it. In fact, I feel terrible if not- super duper frustrated now. This same problem has been annoying me for quite some time… and I’m getting frustrated because I can’t get angry at the cause of things… because the cause of things is just too… NICE. Gah. I wish I were more of a heartless bitch to hate even nice people. But I’m not…

Maybe this would explain things better:

Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside
I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

Let me tell you a story.

There was an under-riped apple one day hanging in the orchard. It was not the best-looking apple in the orchard but it was still an apple after all. One day, the apple got cut off from its branch and sold to someone, setting the apple’s whole life on its owner. Life would not be the same again.

Alas the owner took the apple home and washed it up, made it look more presentable and gave it more confidence because it was the only apple around. Then, he took his time to eat the apple.

One BITE.
Two BITES.
Three.

The apple not only looked different after getting munched but it knew it could never be whole again and part oh it was in its owner. But ironically and stupidly, it was content. Then, one day, the owner decided to harvest more apples from the orchard. He bought a new apple. A RIPER apple. Though he did not start on the new apple, he still spent a lot of time with the new apple because he enjoyed its presence in the kitchen.

Alas, the half-eaten apple felt insecure. Would you want such a beaten-down and unappealing apple? When this apple’s confidence is shrinking by the minute, it feels each stab with every second and hates itself. At the end, the apple will just shrivel up, rot, and be chucked out into the dustbin.

THE END.
Someone please stab me now or put me to sleep. It makes all this so much easier… just when I thought I was coping.

I’ll be just fine, pretending I am.

This post was initially dated about 2-3 weeks ago.