five hundred billion, two hundred and sixty million, eight hundred and forty thousand seven hundred and eight

I feel like running around my estate screaming in the most unglamorous way ever, falling to the ground and bashing a big damn hole in it until I reach the center of the earth where perhaps I'll melt away with all the A level worries and anxieties and the shitty fact that I can't stuff history down my bloody too-small throat or even to just do any other subject requires more willpower than ever to move a bloody fucking retarded mountain which is weighed down by a damn blue whale and five hundred billion, two hundred and sixty million, eight hundred and forty thousand seven hundred and eight elephants riding on top of it which are stomping all over my notes and shitting all over Cambridge so the mountain better fucking be in England so the whole Cambridge grounds can be filled with shit because thats what A levels fills your life with and drives you up the wall until you find there's no more wall left and you're just running into that huge mountain of shit once again and I know this sentence is too fucking long but I really don't give a shit now because all I wanna do is scream until my eardrums burst and thats just so fucking adolescent and childish and I'm way over that stage at eight-fucking-teen years old-soon-to-be but just bear with me because I'm not going to survive this fucking situation and I know forty years down the road I'll be reading this post again and laughing at myself.


GAAAWD, this is pissing me off.

..... shit.

What the fuck do I do now..


sigh,

an afterthought

I think insane people are the most sane people around and that everyone else, are insane. In the first place, to be able to face life and take all its dishings would drive you up the wall. Insane people are sane because its a sane reaction when one is pushed to the limit to create an artificial mental barrier in order to tide by and preserve your sanity. It's all in survival instincts. With the exception of masochistic people, it is technically not sane to subject one self to torture everyday which everyone else does.

That is why, insane people are actually the sanest people around and probably - and ironically, the happiest. And when we insane people don't understand other people, we just don't try and we alienate them. Like what a very smart man told me before, 'the people in IMH are not insane, they're often just misunderstood'. Take a trip down to IMH and take a look. Who are we, to judge and stereotype people to be 'insane?'. Why are we being so critical just because they are different - its the same for race and religion.

Therefore, we are often irrational, which technically, makes us insane. Doesn't it?


What a sour, sour irony.

the hard facts.

Studying is hard.

Memorizing history is hard.

Mastering how to do Statistics in 2 weeks is hard.

Ploughing through practical criticism is hard.

Going through notes and remaking them is hard.




... I want to be a cheeseburger T___T

A retard once said "Life's like a box of chocolates - you'll never know what you're gonna get".

However, life is not a box of chocolates. Chocolates don't turn around and bite you in the ass. Also, how could you not know what you're going to get? What box of chocolates is unlabelled?! Even if its those super cheapo brands which merely state 'mixed flavours/chocolate', you'd at least know that chocolate can only be bitter or sweet!

Life isn't about just bitter or sweet! There's sour, salty, bitter, sweet, somewhere between bittersweet and the occassional something that tastes so bad you can't identify it with any taste except that you're now glued to the toilet bowl and your ass feels like the parting of the Red Sea!

I think we learn and define our lives through experience. It's like staring at an open field of flowers everyday. Eventually everyone will have to jump into that field, roll around and familiarise yourself with it through rain or shine, snow or godzilla. Who knows? You might learn something - like how flowers make you sneeze, like how ants love crawling up your pants and how rolling in the grass is never ever advisable because you've just gotten yourself a whole head of dog poop. And that, the decision to even jump into that field is really really stupid and you're probably going to be ushered off to IMH.

But anyway! I've made up my mind. After so long, I finally have an ambition!

I want to be a...



Why a Cheeseburger?

1. Cheeseburgers have the easiest life! They just come in their lousy freezed/powdered-form packaging and there's a whole army of fast food stuff to assemble them together. You don't need to manage your own life. You just concentrate on being a cheeseburger.

2. Cheeseburgers are stubborn resilient piece of shits. Even though a cheeseburger is not unique at all and would lose out to Hamburgers, FishBurgers, BeefBurgers, Riceburgers, PortebelloMushroomBurgers, OctopusBurgers, Nattoburgers, RedbeanBurgers, Yamburgers, TaroBurgers, Sheepburgers, Breadburgers, CommunistBurgers, BrotherPaulBurgers, DemocraticBurgers, MilitaryBurgers, KetchupBurgers, MayonnaiseBurgers, EggBurgers, SeaweedBurgers, SausageBurgers, EelBurgers, OdexBurgers, DurianBurgers, JayChouBurgers and the most obscene TwilightBurger, cheeseburgers are always, always around!!!

A fast food joint is not a fast food joint without selling cheeseburgers!!!
Macdonalds isn't making small kids obscenely obese without cheeseburgers!!!
A study break at a fast food joint would be too expensive if not for the single $1.90 cheeseburger!!
A good-for-nothing, fat-loving, brainwashed consumer would not be a good-for-nothing, fat-loving, brainwashed consumer without the cheeseburger!!!
Pop stars cannot earn a popular image without posing with a cheeseburger!!!

Noooothing, I repeat- noooothing! Can replace the Cheeseburger! It's a stubborn son-of-a-cow and its there to stay!!!! The mountain may not come to Mohammad but Mohammad will go to the Cheeseburger!!!

3. Cheeseburgers are imperfect! Nobody expects anything of you! You just make people fatter and that's it! You can't rate a cheeseburger - cheeseburgers taste the same all the time! It's just a matter of my-patty-is-thicker-than-yours or my cheese-is-not-as-stale or MY-BREAD-HAS-MORE-SESAME-SEEDS!!! People accept you for who you are - the cheeseburger! Even though everyone knows that your patty is made up of cows eyeballs, nails and all the grounded shit your mother warned you about, that the lettuce probably has 1 litre of preservatives and insecticides in it, that the bread is probably been locked up and abandoned in a old warehouse in Zimbabwe for 10 years before its retrieved and served to you,those tomatoes are actually painted cardboard from China and that the Cheese is made from old saggy cow udders, THEY STILL LOVE IT!

Quote of the day: Your SON picked up the phone. ( WHY DOES EVERYONE FORGET IM A GIRL?! $&U%(@)($_@$ This is sore throat discrimination T__T )

I WANT TO BE A CHEESEBURGER!!! T_T

death wishes

I've got less than a month till As and I'm really unprepared.

But yet as the stress escalates and my health and personal problems start to accelerate as well, out of the depression I've realised how much I tend to neglect people.

A person very important to me who is almost my second Mother is leaving Singapore and she's not going to come back ever again and they don't have internet where she's going. Till then, I don't know what to do or what to say. I think, that while I've become desensitized to most emotions, I've forgotten how to express my own emotions. I can't bring myself to tell her I'll miss her or to even hug her despite how close we are and used to be. Still, it is affecting me severely - not just me, but Barney as well. I really don't want her to go but looking at the situation, I can't tell her not to. The only thing I can do is to sit back and blame God for not helping them but that's unfair accusation on my part again. I think no matter how hard I try, I keep acknowledging God as a presence.

But at the same time, life gets even more dimmer.
The house is going to be void of what little laughter it has left.

Also, I received news today which shocked me. With all these problems, I keep falling ill and with each time, it gets worse and worse. It's not just about asthma - its also about everything else plus, this time, something new. In the possibly near future, I'm quite sure that I'm probably going to die before I even hit 30 and I'm not just saying this out of Emoness. For those of you (or rather, 2 of you) who know why, please take this post seriously. For those of you who don't, just pretend you've never seen this or I'm just another depressed hormone-raging world-loathing adolescent.

I don't think as I lie there dying I'll get the chance to do this so before that happens, I'm going to write it down now.

My Death Wishes/List:

1. Please cremate me and burn Mr Teddy, Mr FatCat, all the letters that TheBoy wrote to me, my memory box and the rosary above my bed with me. (and our couple ring, if you can find it or, if its not stolen or if get a new one)

2. Someone please hug my parents and tell them I've been a very bad daughter but nonetheless, I've always loved them even though I'm rude and I've never told them that I have and not hugged my Mum since Kindergarden.

3. Someone please hug Tesh for me and buy her 100 Greenies.

4. Tell my 2 bitches they're the biggest bitches I've ever met but life has only been manageable with them around

5. I want a Catholic funeral and please don't play 'Amazing Grace' at my funeral. It brings back bad memories for everyone.

6. There's a key behind my music cupboard you'll have to pull the whole shelf compartment out and its in my Sports Day Trophy. Unlock my desk drawer and give everything back to my sister and/or charity if she permits it.

7. Bury me in a wedding dress or something white and foofy. There's been one too many times I've found myself gawking outside bridal shops pressing my nose against the glass since I can ever remember.

8. for TheBoy, please move on but don't forget me. And I hope the person you choose later wouldn't put your taste to shame and she'll make you happier than you were with me.

9. And someone please inform Eugin cause he's overseas and wouldn't know if I'm alive or dead.

10. Tell Barney and Celina they've been very retarded and annoying sisters sometimes but they're always there to listen to my ranting. Same to my cousins.


... and lastly, no wreathes please. I want happy flowers at my funeral. And if anyone wants my organs except for my eyes, they can take it.


So there, I said it.