It's about around this time that the weight of the semester comes crashing down on you. It's stifling, stressful, but yet there's still undercurrents of excitement running beneath all these negative emotions.

When I'm on holiday, I get excited about taking new modules next sem. When I'm in Semester time, I get excited about holidays. It's truly a vicious cycle.

But as for now, ironically enough, dance is keeping me going. Why ironic? Because its dance that's taking up all my time and causing me stress because I don't have time to study or even, do my tutorials for that matter. But I think, without dance, and with constant workload and all, my life would be so dull to the max that I would get too depressed to do anything. Its been well established that I cannot be a robot of society. Which is why, I need work too.

I'm fickle like that. Can't have too much of something, can't have too little of another. During those 9 months before uni, I swear I was so sick of work because there was nothing but work and play (PS2/Ds/online gaming). The element of learning was missing and there were some days where I felt like such a useless vessel.

And as much as I may whine about never having enough time for myself or other things, a combination of learning, play and work is still the ultimate combination for me.

Wow, I do think I'm pretty self-destructive.

Timeless

There are moments where I wish I could be frozen in time. The people around me will still move, fixated on whatever they need to accomplish, the aircon still blasting mercilessly down on me, but I'm still there, and time doesn't move.

A sense of timelessness. I don't need to be anywhere, I don't have to rush, its just the fantastic feeling of having nothing to do, and filling my schedule up as I go along. I can do anything I want, be anywhere I want, be with anyone I want.

Because every single moment is awesome, but it always seems to fly by and the very next moment, its just a dream.

Spaz

OMGOMGOMGOMG RESULTS ARE COMING OUTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

)$*@(#*$)(#*)!(#)(!*#((#*&!!!!

*dies*

My new obsession :D

Up on high and way above the water
I dissect, destroy and put back, I
I've been sourrounded by my bricks and mortar
And I just can't move for materials

Oh my! Oh me!
I can't see
I've been blinded by
this sand im my eyes
Oh me! Oh my!
Though I try
I can't
find an order for it all

When I'm too close to the picture I can't make any sence
And so I reach into my pocket for a fist of regrets
And through a hammer and a chizle I destroy 'till it gets
A little clearer...

I don't know if all I've got to give
Will ever be enough to lift the lid
But I understand that while I live
I'll build pyramids

I don't know if all I have will do
To build a fitting marker for this tomb
But I know that while I've got the room
I'll build pyramids

Oh I been sharing all my stones and cement, I
I've been running about of air! -
I been neglecting what my insides need, I
I've been running away from it! -

Oh my! Oh me!
I couldn't see
I've been blinded by
this sand im my eyes
Oh me! Oh my!
Though I try
I can't
find an order for it all

I dissect, destroy and put back, I
I've been sourrounded by my bricks and mortar
And I just can't move for materials

Oh my! Oh me!
I can't see
I've been blinded by
this sand im my eyes
Oh me! Oh my!
Though I try
I can't
find an order for it all

When I'm too close to the picture I can't make any sence
And so I reach into my pocket for a fist of regrets
And through a hammer and a chizle I destroy 'till it gets
A little clearer...

I don't know if all I've got to give
Will ever be enough to lift the lid
But I understand that while I live
I'll build pyramids

I don't know if all I have will do
To build a fitting marker for this tomb
But I know that while I've got the room
I'll build pyramids

Vexed

I'm starting the whole bloody depressed cycle again despite it being dormant for a whole year. It's something that JC brought out in me and I thought I had packaged it back in its box and sent it away for good.

I seriously need more control over myself.

It's not dead till its really dead

Life's been rather shitty lately because of my inability to dance when EMCC is so close.

It started off as a sore throat, then mutated into a flu, then it triggered off my asthma and so many other things from there.

But anyway, I forced myself to dance today and I can say that I am kind of glad that I had spent my previous practices resting because if I had gone for those practices, I probably would have died.

The choreography is DAAAAMN tiring.

But aside from that, I guess karma works in mysterious ways. All the self-loathing for skipping dance has transformed into me getting to be on stage for half the song, some solo parts with 5 other people, and get this, I GET TO ACT. HEH.

All this, simply because I can't dance the choreo HAHA.

And a surprise was waiting for me in my room too.

Imagine me, on adrenaline high, busting through the door into my room and I see something vaguely brown and familiar on my bathroom rug. I stare at it, it stares at me. I move closer, AND OMG IT MOVES!

So I only did what was natural - I looked for a weapon (now here I was debating between my kodak envelope and my TS notes, and I decided to go with the former), readied it into shape,

and whacked the crap out of it.

Its like being on an adrenaline shot in L4D2. I got it on the first hit with my lightning fast reflexes, two, three times more. Then I stopped to stare at it. One leg had been smashed off. I continued to stare at what remained of the cockroach and decided that it might be calling a bluff at me - after all, they can live for days without a head, what more a measly leg?

WHAM WHAM WHAMWHAMWHAM I hit it 3 more times till cockroach goo stained my Kodak envelope and it was positively smooshed to oblivion. After which, I proceeded to flush it down the toilet bowl.

I am so proud of myself :D

Seriously, this is pushing the meaning of kiasu to a whole different level

I just spent an awesome evening with Jazreel Wong, I come home to my wonderful laptop, switch it on, log onto IVLE, and I'm tormented by the extreme KIASUNESS of NUS students on the forum.

IT.IS.UGLY.

Seriously.

It has only been one lecture so far - OOOONEEEEE, and people have invaded the area and slapped tons of posts which have no link at all (okay, maybe 1 or 2 I give you credit, its useful info). Come oooon people.

This isn't studying.

THIS.
IS.
WAR.

Stuffed

Did you know its possible to die of overeating?

Well I didn't. Apparently the maximum capacity a human body can eat would be 4 Litres, in mashed down liquidified size. And there really was a woman who died of overeating. Her stomach ruptured.

Ouch.

Anyway, if it were possible with me, and if I were not demented like that woman, I probably would have eaten myself to death today at Park Royal Hotel Buffet. Geez. IT WAS GOOD.

And there's nothing like flying zombie limbs in L4D2 after that to get it all down. (:

Crackpot

Nash's dance rehearsal seriously cracked me up today.

I'm not sure what the song is, but its one of those noisy heavy metal songs that all you hear is BLA BLA BLA GRAAAHHHHRAAAHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Something like that. So when Nash was teaching, this came up a lot:


Nash : "Okay, the beat is when the guy goes BLABLABLA"

Everyone else: "WHICH ONE"


And I was laughing myself to death when he was teaching like this


Nash: Okay, BLA! *does action* BLA! *does action* BLA! *does action*


I SHIT YOU NOT.

But the priceless part was probably when he said:

"Okay! This move comes when the guy screams something like private-private uhhh AIYA PRIVATE PART LA"

I almost died laughing because that part (no pun intended) really sounded like the guy was singing something about so lonely and private parts. HAHAHAHA.

Back to kissing ass

It's amazing how time can pass so fast because it's already Semester 2 again. What was actually 3 weeks of holidays seemed more like 1 week. My sense of time is so distorted nowadays.

After much gruelling with the help of Fats and my wonderful Dad, my PGP room is now up and running again! It was a real bitch packing everything and moving back but I'm so glad that I now have some air of freedom to breathe in. I have rearranged some stuff this time so my room looks a lot less cluttered. Maybe I'll get a pet, too. (:

Either that, or a plant.

My room still looks devastatingly depressing with its bare walls and suffocating cream overload. The lava lamp that I saw at Plaza Sing may actually be a great idea!

On another note, dance rehearsals for the EMC has started and it's pretty amazing that for one of the items that I am in, we have already completed a 3 min + song in a total of 6 hours. It's seriously a record-breaker. But really tiring in the process. I think it's also partly because I'm not so physically fit as I used to be because today's practice of equal or even-more so intensity did not drain me as much as the first.

It's okay, I'll work my stamina and my abs up from scratch again.

Apart from the recommencement of school, dance rehearsals and driving, it is a tough time now for different groups of people that I know. And I just want to say, Hang in there! Shit that happens in life makes you stronger! Although things may never be the same again, at least its a reminder of how much we really should treasure people.

Because, as I've posted many times before, life is fragile. Live like you're dying.

Nostalgia

I just had my first dance rehearsal for EMC and I fall in love with the routine everytime I do it. It's awesome! Just that the downside is that it's terribly hard on my knees, what with all the throwing yourself down to the floor, rolling around and frontal arches. Dammit all.

And my balance sucks. Seriously. I spent so much time trying to learn how to turn properly and nicely without falling. And even after bumbling along for so long, I still can't get it right. I just end up feeling giddy and a bit nauseous. Oh, and I just look like this super unglam bullinachinashop trying to do a proper turn that the other dancers do so orgasmically well!

Damn.

But hey, the feeling was so nostalgic. Feeling every limb screaming out in fatigue, feeling like I can't go on, the mental war to keep pushing myself to go all out, the fear of looking like the only idiot who cannot catch the timing and/or move, hair dripping with prespiration and feeling the song play you like a puppet.

I am so shit tired and I feel so damn weak now but, it's a nice feeling. It feels like home.

Because I know that at the end of the day when the whole item comes through, I'll look back and be really really proud of myself. And, if I don't dance out what I'm feeling, I'll forever be constipated.

I've given up trying to find approval from others. Because, no matter how hard you try, sometimes if people are biased against you, it really doesn't matter. They'll only see your flaws. So, all I need is my own approval.

And dancing like your life is ending is definitely going to merit it . (:

Oh mother

you're seriously the only person on earth who can piss me off to such furious intensity faster than a falling lighter can ignite a whole house full of gunpowder.

And, I WOULD tell you where I go if

1) you stopped scolding me for going out everytime I do tell you I am doing so
2) you stop getting the maid to stalk me
3) you were less interrogative and mean to me when asking

I am your daughter, not your collared dog.

"A mother has every right to know where her daughter goes irregardless of what age she is...... Even Lionel who is 24 lets his mother know where he is going"

So if I am 55, with children, I still need to report to you everyday where I'm going? If you ask me, I will tell you but don't expect me to report and damn right don't grab me by the throat while at it. And, I'm not Lionel. If you really want me to compare, then there are tons of other people out there my age who are much, much worse.

sht sht sht sht sht sht sht I think my DS dropped out of my bag!!! _$@)$*)#(!_

Darling was it worth it

Recently I have been wondering about that and I have come to a conclusion at long last.

IT IS.

I didn't see it in the beginning and I had many doubts, but its all thanks to people like my bitches who egged me forward. And for that, I wanna say a HUGE THANK YOU. (:

Because this feeling now is something I have not had in a very long time.

And I have an even better feeling that, Ah-lian looking I may be, offending moumouren (think of your long lost hanyupinying) with my chao bin face, the year can only get better from here on. =)

And I can say that, you take up a sizeable portion of it. Pun intended.

Happiness in a nutshell 1101E

You don't have to do a lot to be happy.

Even a simple movie is sometimes enough. Sure, crying in public was really really embarrassing and I am sure that the people at TCC Novena are sniggering their asses off at me, but hey, at least I proved to be an interesting customer.

Next time, I shall go there and say, "Hey, got any grapes?"

Waddlewaddle.

And, ToriQ is comfort food. Should shit hit the ceiling fan and 2012 is upon us, as long as I have ToriQ, I'll know that it's okay. Because if ToriQ could pull me through hell and out of A levels, it can pull me through anything.

And for a reason unknown to me, while eating ToriQ by myself and sitting at the platform at Ion that overlooked Orchard MRT, I felt insanely peaceful.

Another random note to myself : never wear low cut and walk into the lift at Liat Towers. It is total cleavage exposure because the lift's ceiling is a mirror. Okay, I fess up: I saw down a woman's cleavage.

Homg, don't set the homophobs on me!

On a separate note, I do things because I want to do it. And, I wonder why the answers took so long to come. But hey, at least they are here. Finally. A little late, at the last moment, but at least its not never.

:D

Fireworks for thought

This is kinda late, but, Happy un-anniversary.

There couldn't have been a better way to spend my first new year's eve out of 19 years outside. The day started off with L4D2 online with Fats, David and Aini, then a relocation of L4D2 to Raiders with Bryan and his friend, Terence. Shortly after would be a dinner with Kiat Tat with awesome KENNY ROGER'S CORN MUFFIN AND MAC AND CHEESE!!!!

And last but not least, waiting for the new year at the grass patch near the Beach Road Memorial. It was so fucking awesome.

Getting crickets and bugged, watching the space around you fill up with families and couples and friends, watching the clock tick on, seeing happy people with funky light-up devil horns and just generally talking trash.... and almost forgetting my phone.

I dare say that the best moment would be when 12 O'clock struck and there was a building up of cheers , followed by the euphoria that ensued when the first wink of fireworks shot up into the sky. It was a really heartwarming feeling, waiting with everyone for the new year and cheering loudly when the fireworks were being uber awesome at certain parts.

Even being cattled in the crowd all the way back to Carlton was awesome. I swear if I were just a liiiiittle bit high, I WOULD have turn around at the traffic light and gone BLLLEEHHH to the people behind me who didn't manage to cross in time. Poor suckers. Heh.

The festive feeling was seriously infectious. Walking to Carlton, we passed by a couple who were spraying other people with those party string stuff and 2 groups of foreign workers who started cheering loudly when they crossed each other in opposite directions.

Hey, we're totally breaking boundaries, but, I couldn't ask for a better way to welcome the end of my teens. =)