Oh poo.

I'm sick again! Dammit. Two days of school gone. TWO!!! I'm so gonna be screwed when I go back... I'll be like totally blur.... hais.... I suck la. hahas! Nothing better to do than to sit around here and sweat like a pig whilse my classmates are suffering in school under barney's wrath. Bwahahaha! At least I don't have to bore my skull off today.... sigh.... confirm gonna get a scolding from my mother when she gets back. -clears throat- -mimicks mom's voice in a naggy high pitch voice: "you see la! Run about so much on saturday!!! In the morning run off to badminton then after that come back do project then after that you went jogging [okay I lied about this one. I actually was doing something else behind my mom's back X)] then after that come home already run off to movie! See! I told you! I told you! Always never listen! You don't have any limits at all! Now you miss one day's work of school! You know how much that is?!" yeahs... that was how it sounded yesterday night. Hooo boy is she gonna blow when she comes back today when she finds out I skipped YET ANOTHER DAY of school! hahaha!

Eep.

I'm bored!!!! There's nothing much to do except stone in front of the computer and wait for people to come online while I'm scolding my mind for being so damn lazy. I need to study but I'm so lazy. I take a look at the school textbook and I throw the thought out of the window. No way am I going to make barney happy. Hmph. I can't study at home anyways. And my dad won't let me run to library or KFC to study because I'm suppose to be sick = stay at home. Ya? Hoo boy I'm bored.

Damn barney.

Very sorry

Seriously, I find myself a total loser and a b*tch. Sorry for my constant criticising of myself but I'm really ashamed. Anyone else reading this now, don't bother reading on because it's only for one person and I think that person knows who he is.

So here goes....

I know you said that sharing is good because it builds trust but don't regret sharing what you told me okay? You don't have to feel bad because I'm not bothered anymore. Its silly isn't it? I really can be so paranoid and doubtful at times. It's probably in my stubborn and suspicious nature and I really can't help it sometimes. When I woke up this morning and switched on my phone, I read the messages and I'm wondering, "You sounded so serious. Wonder what you could have left?" So, being curious, I switched on my computer and logged to friendster. I saw that i received messages and a photo caption.

To be frank, I felt very stupid when I asked you those stupid questions yesterday because I felt ashamed that I didn't trust you by thinking that you only like me for her. Understand what I'm saying here? As a matter of fact, I felt even more ashamed when I read the message you left. It's very silly isn't it? All this stupid misunderstanding I had created because of my annoying nature? After all, you ARE in fact the closest person to me [other than alicia, Jazreel, Audrey, my other friends and family] and when I think back, I'm so silly to have doubted you. I don't know why. Maybe it was because you're my first love and I didn't want to be hurt for my own selfish reasons? Or maybe it was because I just didn't want to lose you? Or maybe because I didn't want to be alone and sink back to my depressed life with nobody to talk to? I guess I couldn't say all this out yesterday on the phone cause my parents were around - but mostly it was because I was too embarrassed to tell you.

Even actually talking to you about it on the phone yesterday was very awkward. I initially didn't plan to tell you about it and try to leave it alone but it really popped up in my mind every minute I was not concentrating on something.

You know what?

Yesterday, when I was in church, I spoke to god about it. I know you don't believe in him but I do and he's helped me a lot through my life. Immediately after I spoke to him about it, I felt a lot, a lot lighter inside and he told me in a small voice in my head to talk to you about it because leaving it alone won't help and it would only make matters worse.

You know something else....?

Yesterday, I almost did not want to pick up the phone when I saw your house number on my phone display because I really was too embarrassed and didn't know how to talk to you about it.

Something else you didn't know...?


I was holding the rosary. =)


Final conclusion....

I'm sorry for being so silly and all. I wish you didn't read the previous entry in my blog though... cause it's all nonsense or poppycock as you would say. I was planning to actually delete that entry this morning but you already read it yesterday night. Too late.

Anyway, I love you too, I'm sorry for causing you the misunderstanding and I hope that I won't be so silly again =)

It hurts

It sucks to be taken for somebody else... and it really sucks to let ur heart rule ur mind when ur mind is screaming out for you not to be stupid. I really don't know why. I guess for once again in my life I found being alone with god comforting. He did help me. Again. But I can't expect him to keep solving my problems for me when I'm too much of a coward to go and face the problem. You see, that's whats wrong with people. They let their heart rule their mind even though they're being stupid and they know it. Now we know why some people can't take the blow and kill themselves. I used to think its really dumb and that they're just dimwits. But hey, we're all like that and it hurt a hell lot more than I thought it would. How could I, being a counsellor amongst my circle of friends, suppose to give advice to others when I can't even save myself? How am I suppose to understand their pain when I have'nt experienced it before? I'm such a failure... as a person and as a friend.

Another thing...

I've been forcing myself not to cry, like I've been all my life. And I know why. Because I don't want to be seen as being emotional in front of others in case anything very hurtful happens in my life. I don't want any display of emotion. I guess to me, any displaying of an emotion makes a person weak and vulnerable. I don't want that. Cause i want the world to think I'm strong, emotionally stable and not sensitive. I don't know why either. Maybe its because I'm ashamed of myself being so bloody sensitive that I want to put it away and cry myself to sleep when I'm alone? And so far, I've accomplished that "image" in people. But if somebody were to tell me that he/she knows I'm not strong and expects me to cry it out at that crutial moment, I think I could flood Maritche reservoir. The irony is that I advice people to cry their problems out but look at me - I can't even drop a single tear without losing self restrain, completely.

I've forgotten how to cry.

But I think at this breaking point in my foolish life, I just might. Cause for once, Someone's been able to break the barrier around this black little heart and stab it. You know I've always been daydreaming of spending a lifetime happily with my spouse in a problem-free life and a loving environment till I die old and wrinkly. I just realise I'm so so foolish. I'm still naive like a child. There's no such thing in this world.....

Fantasies are forever fantasies.

That's why the never come true.

Ever.

Running away from the teacher monstrousity

Well I guess the waking up and running around in circles really did make me feel dizzy and nauseous which made my excuse to skip school. Whoohoo. No teacher monstrousity in my face today. If I see another one of them today, I think I might as well take up smoking and kill myself earlier. Waking up sucks. I get interrupted in my nice pleasant dream [or freaky nightmare] and I have to change into my stiff uniform that could even compete with a starched army one. I get up and stare at the mirror and see an ugly face staring back at me. Depressing enough?

Wait till you get to breakfast.

After tying up my stubborn hair that has a mind of its own, I plod down to breakfast only to realise I don't have any appetite. That's when I start rampaging and bombarding the fridge for anything edible. Overnight leftovers? Throw that aside. Chocolate? For breakfast?! Screw that. Uncooked soup? I got enough stomach aches already to make uranus dissolve. Cereal? Groan. Not AGAIN. Bread? Yeahs, thats if I want to end up sleeping in class like a log. Overloaded carbo makes you sleepy. So let's say screw breakfast. I get scolded by my dad for not eating breakfast. So, grudgingly, I have to force down one peice of bread that I dumbfoundedly flatten with my fingertips and try not to vomit later on in the car. This gets worse.

Packing my bag, I get out onto the porche and wear my take-me-to-the-trash-and-screw-me shoes which are too big for my feet and bulky which makes me trip over my own leg. Oh, the embarassment. I don't really have much of a choice do I? Its either take-me-to-the-trash-and-screw-me shoes or take-me-to-the-trash-and-screw-me shoes. Ugh.

So fine, I ram my feet into those horrendous shoes and open the gate which is so damn rusty that its so bloody difficult to open. After exhausting half of my strength, it FINALLY gives way and I plod grumpily to the car. Get in the car and guess what? I FORGOT TO REFILL MY WATER BOTTLE! And hey, the car's already moving. My options then are:

1. Jump out of the car and run back, having the 99.9% chance I'd get rammed over by another car and fly to seventh heaven and STILL not have my bottle refilled

2. Ignore it and just die of dehydration the whole day.

Not much of a choice again? Guess so. Okay, so i get to school, plod over to class, throw my oh-so-heavy bag down and pretend to freak out when I suddenly realise that I haven't done my homework. Oh, boohoo. So what? Screw homework. I borrow a copy from my friends and start copying like mad. Then, the school bell rings and its time to go for assembly. Oh, fuck assembly. I hate it. I never sing the national anthem anyway. Heck, I don't even stand up straight with two feet together [its not my fault assembly has this miraculous effect that suddenly makes my spine weak and my two feet like repelling magnets]. So, with a grumpy start of the day, I go to class.

Then, the teacher comes in [oh.. im so scared... eek.. ahhh..I'm so petrified] and makes my day living hell. Honestly, paying attention in class is as good as watching that purple monstrousity that has too much blubber, known as barney, who needs to take some Xando Slimming pills desperately before it stinks up the room, doing a strip tease to the horror of everyone. Boo. Boring. Switch off my channel and wait for the next period. Next! The only entertaining classes is English, Recess and Recess. That would be Barney doing a strip tease when a kid suddenly runs up with a matchstick and sets barney on fire. Now THATS what I call ENTERTAINMENT!

See how sucky school is? And you see how scary barney is now?

Screw the purple dinosaur.

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXANNE!

AH I LOVE THE SONG ROXANNE!! AHHHH IT ROX IT ROX IT ROXXXXXXX!!! ALL THE DRAMA! ALL THE PASSION! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!!! IM OBSESSED WITH THAT SONG.... AGAIN!!!

Blehx. I hate new years.. =(

Okok, my class is fine. My class has only 29 people after all. not so bad huh. And majority is from 2/7 2004 so I'm even happier. My form teacher rox. really.

My ring broke =(
Yeah, the one [you] gave me.
I didn't break it, wasn't me.
And it was an accident so I'm not angry.
Haiz. I feel like shit.

I hate new years. =(

Help meeeee.. T-T

tomorrow is the end of the world
tomorrow i go back to hell
tomorrow i get bombarded under a pile of satan's wrath, better known as textbooks
tomorrow the nightmare of every student begins
tomorrow the teachers reign again
tomorrow war is declared again
tomorrow is world war 15
tomorrow my butt is gonna hurt for sitting so long
tomorrow we get sucky canteen food
tomorrow i get a sucky class
tomorrow i get sucky teachers
tomorrow i am gonna get a scolding
tomorrow i am gonna have to get up at 6am, rush through breakfast and skiddadle off to school
tomorrow the teachers are gonna be sharpening their weapons
tomorrow is the start of the day for class 3/8 of 2005

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you know what?
screw tomorrow.