It hurts
It sucks to be taken for somebody else... and it really sucks to let ur heart rule ur mind when ur mind is screaming out for you not to be stupid. I really don't know why. I guess for once again in my life I found being alone with god comforting. He did help me. Again. But I can't expect him to keep solving my problems for me when I'm too much of a coward to go and face the problem. You see, that's whats wrong with people. They let their heart rule their mind even though they're being stupid and they know it. Now we know why some people can't take the blow and kill themselves. I used to think its really dumb and that they're just dimwits. But hey, we're all like that and it hurt a hell lot more than I thought it would. How could I, being a counsellor amongst my circle of friends, suppose to give advice to others when I can't even save myself? How am I suppose to understand their pain when I have'nt experienced it before? I'm such a failure... as a person and as a friend.
Another thing...
I've been forcing myself not to cry, like I've been all my life. And I know why. Because I don't want to be seen as being emotional in front of others in case anything very hurtful happens in my life. I don't want any display of emotion. I guess to me, any displaying of an emotion makes a person weak and vulnerable. I don't want that. Cause i want the world to think I'm strong, emotionally stable and not sensitive. I don't know why either. Maybe its because I'm ashamed of myself being so bloody sensitive that I want to put it away and cry myself to sleep when I'm alone? And so far, I've accomplished that "image" in people. But if somebody were to tell me that he/she knows I'm not strong and expects me to cry it out at that crutial moment, I think I could flood Maritche reservoir. The irony is that I advice people to cry their problems out but look at me - I can't even drop a single tear without losing self restrain, completely.
I've forgotten how to cry.
But I think at this breaking point in my foolish life, I just might. Cause for once, Someone's been able to break the barrier around this black little heart and stab it. You know I've always been daydreaming of spending a lifetime happily with my spouse in a problem-free life and a loving environment till I die old and wrinkly. I just realise I'm so so foolish. I'm still naive like a child. There's no such thing in this world.....
Fantasies are forever fantasies.
That's why the never come true.
Ever.
Another thing...
I've been forcing myself not to cry, like I've been all my life. And I know why. Because I don't want to be seen as being emotional in front of others in case anything very hurtful happens in my life. I don't want any display of emotion. I guess to me, any displaying of an emotion makes a person weak and vulnerable. I don't want that. Cause i want the world to think I'm strong, emotionally stable and not sensitive. I don't know why either. Maybe its because I'm ashamed of myself being so bloody sensitive that I want to put it away and cry myself to sleep when I'm alone? And so far, I've accomplished that "image" in people. But if somebody were to tell me that he/she knows I'm not strong and expects me to cry it out at that crutial moment, I think I could flood Maritche reservoir. The irony is that I advice people to cry their problems out but look at me - I can't even drop a single tear without losing self restrain, completely.
I've forgotten how to cry.
But I think at this breaking point in my foolish life, I just might. Cause for once, Someone's been able to break the barrier around this black little heart and stab it. You know I've always been daydreaming of spending a lifetime happily with my spouse in a problem-free life and a loving environment till I die old and wrinkly. I just realise I'm so so foolish. I'm still naive like a child. There's no such thing in this world.....
Fantasies are forever fantasies.
That's why the never come true.
Ever.
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