End of the year reflections
Heyss!! Merry christmas to all! Did all of you have a good christmas? Hehe. I can't BELIEVE there was NO turkey this year! THE SKY IS FALLING ON OUR HEADS!! NO TURKEY!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! TURKEY IS A LEGEND!!!! We had stupid lamb instead =.=" I hate lamb. It stinks. I ain't gonna eat no white fleece that goes "baba" and is infested with ticks and other blood-sucking monsters! Ahhhhh!!! Anyways, enough ranting about the poor turkey which i didn't manage to eat this year and lets discuss one of the reflections which was triggered by Phantom Of the Opera Movie [no, don't worry. I won't rant on about rahul being gay <-- my online friends would know this. And i aint' gonna freak out about how cool phantom is. Not this entry at least XD]
A lot of people [including me] hide behind a mask all our lives, sheltering us from the cruelties of the world. I didn't realise it until only recently that i've been living with another person's image and personality. For example, If people whom I don't know waved to me on the street, I'd probably just wave back, being the idiot I am. However, if the similiar question came up on a quiz which i usually love to take, I'd most probably pick the "Stare at that person oddly before grabbing a bazooka and blowing up his guts" option. Or if i saw an old lady trying to cross the road, the thought of helping her would most likely cross my mind but the other two-faced personality of mine would stop me from asking her to prevent myself from seeming like an idiot. However, if that came out on a quiz, i'd most likely, "Steal her cane, watch her struggle across the road, see her get banged down by a car, andstart laughing at her while swinging her cane around." I guess sometimes I try to be evil for some odd reason. I convince myself that I'm a blood-thirsty, heartless son-of-a-bitch that can't be bothered with anyone and hates all humans for all they're worth of pain and torture . But in reality, I know I ain't that sort of person. But when I talk to others, I don't expose that side that I know i am. I expose my other cruel and devilish side. If i go for a scary hair-raising movie and everyone [even the guys] are screaming because of a way someone horribly died or in a really sad movie where everyone's crying, I'd find myself forcing a laugh in the middle of the crowd. I don't know why I do that but its because I guess I'm afraid of letting others know the real me inside and rather just let them know me as "quiet", "sadistic", "heartless"bitch i make of myself. Maybe I'm purposely making people becoming distant from me. For some reason or another. Because mainly, I'm afraid of people. Majority are adults and teenages... but more of adults.
In school, I don't do my work and I'm practically getting scolded by different teachers or punished as a daily routine and my whole class regardless of how old I am, would know me as being a "lazy rebel" but I manage to get good marks in exams and maybe even ace the class even though I don't study. They think its so easy and people like to call me smart because of that. I hate it when they do. You see, its human nature to assume that people are from what they appear to be on the outside. They don't search for any depth at all. Well, they're ALL wrong. Only a few people would know this, but through all my slacking and laziness, there's a hardcore foundation of everyday tuition that i have. I even have double tuition on some days. And in my spare time, I play as much as I can and i only study at night so people who see me online think I'm free the whole day. My mom for another, pounds me to the ground with homework and I always start work a year earlier so i can slack later. Just to tell you thats gonna be in my class next year, I've completed maths and literature already. Both books for lit. I even have notes for it. So just cause you see me sleeping in class, it doesnt mean its easy as it seems. I WORK for my stuff. Not boasting here, just making a statement.
Also, another fault people have behind this mask is hiding they're emotions. They're too conscious of themselves, concerned for their image or their impression on others. I have this horrid fault too. In school, people think I'm not afraid of the teachers and let them scold all they want to, as if I'm deaf to every word they say. That's not the case. What they DON'T know is that, I'm afraid of teachers cause they're adults as well. Everytime I go up in front of the class to receive a scolding, I feel my heart pounding harder and harder till its about to jump out of my chest. Even though i act as if i don't care what they said to me, after the scolding me, the words echo in my head throughout the whole day and i question myself if its worth keeping this "bad girl/student" image of mine or why am i such a bad student? I feel horrible after every scolding and even the fierce teachers can reduce me to tears. But people don't see me cry. Why? Because since young, no matter how much anything hurt, physically or emotionally, I will force my tears back to the extent where I can't anymore and silent tears just roll down before I quickly wipe them away before people notice. Another thing I always do when i get scoldings or when I'm stressed and on the verge of emotional outburst is that I would pinch my arm with my nails tightly. It helps me focus and push everything back. And the scar thats left is not the stain of tears on my face but the bloody nail mark on my arm and in my heart. I guess this is why I don't cry in front of others. I'm trained not to. In fact, I hate crying. I know its not healthy but I've been accustomed to be this way. I find crying making yourself vulnerable to the world's cruelties and making yourself weak. At the most, i'd just hide in my room, let a few silent tears fall before I quickly wash my face and force a smile. For others and for me, lets say that someone has spread a rumor or done something bad against you, and if your friends talk about him/her, usually 99% of everyone would say, "heck care about that bastard. Who gives a shit about him. Let him fuck around all he wants to. I don't care" but you know and i know that deep down you do care. You're hurt emotionally but you don't expose it to your friends or anyone else because you don't want to seem as "wimp", "weak", "emotionally unstable", "soft" or "over sensitive." Also, sometimes a person wants to apologise to a person for a fault they have done but is too scared and too proud to admit their faults and to renew. They always say they're forever be "sworn enemies" but are you going to keep this to your heart forever? Would you rather be make-up and be friends or stay the stubborn ass you are?This oppression is held down by your heart and your mentality until it finally forms hatred. You hate that person for making you feel so miserable, to make you put on yet another mask in front of your friends, to make you lie and sin to make it seem as if you dont care and deceive your own human feelings. You feel like giving that person a knuckle sandwitch or beating the bloody pulp out of their pathetic lives. This mask we have is pride and hatred.
Another mask linked to the earlier paragraph is being too conscious of yourself. I am really that fault at this section. I'm sure that a lot of my friends who are girls want to try on things like skirts and funky halters and other Japanese trend designs but are afraid of being mocked by their friends as they most likely were tomboys before maturity. So because of this, they continue being a tomboy and shunt they're thoughts aside. Also, they're scared of being labelled as "poser" or "bimbo". But the irony comes yet again when you realise that you're still a poser anyway. If those people who dress up bimbo and all cutesy and all that pinky frilly rubbish, are posers to you, then what makes the people who DON'T try to be posers and PRETEND to be someone they are not and continue being tomboy or so-called "hardcore"? They're posers too. Cause they're posers of being hardcore. And i think that the people who came up with the "If-you-dress-like-a-bimbo-or-a-punk, you're-a-poser" nonsense, are the REAL POSERS. Who knows, they would also be like anyone of us, trying to hide behind another mask and covering that mask up by saying, "ugh, i'll NEVER wear THAT! Its too poser." but they KNOW they MIGHT wear it someday or be tempted. And for people who dress up like bimbos or punks or goths, I envy them sometimes. Even though human nature makes me judge them as "posers", I envy they have the courage to screw the whole world away and have the courage to do what they want and be what they want to be, shuning critisicms away. Cause in the end, these people would be the winners as they would do what they want to do in life before their passing whilse people like me, would be stuck in the ditch and regretting for something i did not do in my life. Well, regret comes too late, sadly.
Lastly, I can only think of one mask left [I have not discovered most of my faults]. That's pushing people away. I realise I can be nice to someone for a while and just shun them away the next moment before apologising and then again shouting at them the next moment. Or, If people asked me about my life, I'd most probably say that I'm happy and I Have a great life and that i could never be happier but that's all A LIE. Because life is NEVER perfect and EVERYONE suffers from problems. Look at paris hilton for instance. People envy her for being pretty, smart and rich. She buys the whole mall down with her diamond-covered fingers while sashaying her oh-so-perfect body around as the jaws of guys fall one after another, drool pouring out of their mouths. You'd think she's so lucky and she's so perfect. [Personally, i don't think she is but i'm setting an example. I don't like paris hilton.] But think about it, she would have family problems and also, in the media, its hard to make good friends without any back-stabbing you just to get 5 seconds of fame on the 9 O'clock news. Not only that, but she has to deal with critisicms of everyone [yeah I love to criticise her XD] and with the rumors and the porn movies coming up about her. Actually, the most perfect people are actually those who are the most unperfect... Back to pushing people away, there are many reasons why people like me do that but for my own personal self, its because I'm afraid of people since young.
Some background on myself... I have 2 sisters, older. When i was young till around p6, I was basically like the only child. Reason being was because my sisters acted as if i was not even existant. They would not talk to me last time and the only thing they did was to scold me for any reason they can fish out. I'm not exaggerating here. They would only talk to me once every term and that would only be a one-line kind of sentence. And because of this, I felt very lonely and abandoned. My parents i must reveal.. hate each other. They don't talk, not at all. In fact, they only talk once a year and that's in christmas. The only time they "talk" is to quarrel. They both behave as if either do not exist. This is what happens everyday: My mom comes back around 7, eats dinner, baths, talks to me or scolds me a bit, then watches tv in the room i share with my parents until 9.30pm. Then, my dad comes back and changed to his pajamas and starts watching tv in so-called "my room". But the moment my dad comes back, my mom would head downstairs and watch tv, even if my dad would be watching the same channel upstairs. They don't even say "hi" when they pass each other. And then they would sleep and leave early the next morning for work, leaving me alone in the house until very late at night. Imagine this: How would you feel if every morning, you wave your parents goodbye, knowing that they would only come back late at night and the reason they come back late is because they want to avoid this house which is void of any love? I wouldn't even call it a house. I'd call it a hotel where people come and go. Even my mom says this. How would it feel? And imagine watching neighbouring houses or your friends with happy and loving families, seeing how much they are so united and loving, and looking back at your family? Its a horrible feeling. I've always envied people with such loving families. And its been like this since I was born into this cruel world. My parents don't go out together -its either you go out with dear mommy or darling daddy. They never go together anywhere. And its painful to decide to go with whom everytime. I don't have family dinner either. I eat alone at my big ass dining table while I miserably swallow my food, staring at the empty chairs around me. I guess its because of the years of playing alone and the cold relationships in my family that makes me shun people away. I'm scared of them, scared of them finding out my life and that my family is so chaotic and scared of finding out that this actually BOTHERS me even if I've been living with this for 14 yrs, 1 month, 21 days, 16 hours and 18 minutes, 40 seconds. I'm scared people would hurt me like my family has and leave me hollow and void of emotions, only pain and sorrow.
In primary school, I always ate alone in the canteen, in the darkest and most remote corner I could find and i envied those who always sat with they're lively group of fixed friends. Its not that I enjoy being alone. Its because I've been forced to get used to it that I feel awkward with a lot of people. Because of this, I only learnt to trust myself and only myself and not any other person, making me suspicious of the world. I don't enjoy it. Its a lonely and horrible way to live. I used to talk to myself as a child and stare at the mirror and pretend that there was someone else there, someone i could trust. However, I soon got rid of that scary habit and started talking to my dog isntead but when he passed away 1 year ago, I totally shattered. I felt hopeless that my only friend was gone so i kept my feelings to myself again. I hated myself for doing this. I knew I wanted a friend. But i can't call my friends, "friends" because I don't trust them. I could cry myself to sleep certain nights when i was younger but i'd force myself to smile. And I realise something. Bluffing myself to smile and be happy took a toll on me. I really forgot how to smile. Because my smiles become empty. They still are.
Reflect on these lyrics from the song "masquerade" in phantom of the opera:
= Hide your face so the world can never find you=
=Look around there's another mask behind you=
Happy new year all.
A lot of people [including me] hide behind a mask all our lives, sheltering us from the cruelties of the world. I didn't realise it until only recently that i've been living with another person's image and personality. For example, If people whom I don't know waved to me on the street, I'd probably just wave back, being the idiot I am. However, if the similiar question came up on a quiz which i usually love to take, I'd most probably pick the "Stare at that person oddly before grabbing a bazooka and blowing up his guts" option. Or if i saw an old lady trying to cross the road, the thought of helping her would most likely cross my mind but the other two-faced personality of mine would stop me from asking her to prevent myself from seeming like an idiot. However, if that came out on a quiz, i'd most likely, "Steal her cane, watch her struggle across the road, see her get banged down by a car, andstart laughing at her while swinging her cane around." I guess sometimes I try to be evil for some odd reason. I convince myself that I'm a blood-thirsty, heartless son-of-a-bitch that can't be bothered with anyone and hates all humans for all they're worth of pain and torture . But in reality, I know I ain't that sort of person. But when I talk to others, I don't expose that side that I know i am. I expose my other cruel and devilish side. If i go for a scary hair-raising movie and everyone [even the guys] are screaming because of a way someone horribly died or in a really sad movie where everyone's crying, I'd find myself forcing a laugh in the middle of the crowd. I don't know why I do that but its because I guess I'm afraid of letting others know the real me inside and rather just let them know me as "quiet", "sadistic", "heartless"bitch i make of myself. Maybe I'm purposely making people becoming distant from me. For some reason or another. Because mainly, I'm afraid of people. Majority are adults and teenages... but more of adults.
In school, I don't do my work and I'm practically getting scolded by different teachers or punished as a daily routine and my whole class regardless of how old I am, would know me as being a "lazy rebel" but I manage to get good marks in exams and maybe even ace the class even though I don't study. They think its so easy and people like to call me smart because of that. I hate it when they do. You see, its human nature to assume that people are from what they appear to be on the outside. They don't search for any depth at all. Well, they're ALL wrong. Only a few people would know this, but through all my slacking and laziness, there's a hardcore foundation of everyday tuition that i have. I even have double tuition on some days. And in my spare time, I play as much as I can and i only study at night so people who see me online think I'm free the whole day. My mom for another, pounds me to the ground with homework and I always start work a year earlier so i can slack later. Just to tell you thats gonna be in my class next year, I've completed maths and literature already. Both books for lit. I even have notes for it. So just cause you see me sleeping in class, it doesnt mean its easy as it seems. I WORK for my stuff. Not boasting here, just making a statement.
Also, another fault people have behind this mask is hiding they're emotions. They're too conscious of themselves, concerned for their image or their impression on others. I have this horrid fault too. In school, people think I'm not afraid of the teachers and let them scold all they want to, as if I'm deaf to every word they say. That's not the case. What they DON'T know is that, I'm afraid of teachers cause they're adults as well. Everytime I go up in front of the class to receive a scolding, I feel my heart pounding harder and harder till its about to jump out of my chest. Even though i act as if i don't care what they said to me, after the scolding me, the words echo in my head throughout the whole day and i question myself if its worth keeping this "bad girl/student" image of mine or why am i such a bad student? I feel horrible after every scolding and even the fierce teachers can reduce me to tears. But people don't see me cry. Why? Because since young, no matter how much anything hurt, physically or emotionally, I will force my tears back to the extent where I can't anymore and silent tears just roll down before I quickly wipe them away before people notice. Another thing I always do when i get scoldings or when I'm stressed and on the verge of emotional outburst is that I would pinch my arm with my nails tightly. It helps me focus and push everything back. And the scar thats left is not the stain of tears on my face but the bloody nail mark on my arm and in my heart. I guess this is why I don't cry in front of others. I'm trained not to. In fact, I hate crying. I know its not healthy but I've been accustomed to be this way. I find crying making yourself vulnerable to the world's cruelties and making yourself weak. At the most, i'd just hide in my room, let a few silent tears fall before I quickly wash my face and force a smile. For others and for me, lets say that someone has spread a rumor or done something bad against you, and if your friends talk about him/her, usually 99% of everyone would say, "heck care about that bastard. Who gives a shit about him. Let him fuck around all he wants to. I don't care" but you know and i know that deep down you do care. You're hurt emotionally but you don't expose it to your friends or anyone else because you don't want to seem as "wimp", "weak", "emotionally unstable", "soft" or "over sensitive." Also, sometimes a person wants to apologise to a person for a fault they have done but is too scared and too proud to admit their faults and to renew. They always say they're forever be "sworn enemies" but are you going to keep this to your heart forever? Would you rather be make-up and be friends or stay the stubborn ass you are?This oppression is held down by your heart and your mentality until it finally forms hatred. You hate that person for making you feel so miserable, to make you put on yet another mask in front of your friends, to make you lie and sin to make it seem as if you dont care and deceive your own human feelings. You feel like giving that person a knuckle sandwitch or beating the bloody pulp out of their pathetic lives. This mask we have is pride and hatred.
Another mask linked to the earlier paragraph is being too conscious of yourself. I am really that fault at this section. I'm sure that a lot of my friends who are girls want to try on things like skirts and funky halters and other Japanese trend designs but are afraid of being mocked by their friends as they most likely were tomboys before maturity. So because of this, they continue being a tomboy and shunt they're thoughts aside. Also, they're scared of being labelled as "poser" or "bimbo". But the irony comes yet again when you realise that you're still a poser anyway. If those people who dress up bimbo and all cutesy and all that pinky frilly rubbish, are posers to you, then what makes the people who DON'T try to be posers and PRETEND to be someone they are not and continue being tomboy or so-called "hardcore"? They're posers too. Cause they're posers of being hardcore. And i think that the people who came up with the "If-you-dress-like-a-bimbo-or-a-punk, you're-a-poser" nonsense, are the REAL POSERS. Who knows, they would also be like anyone of us, trying to hide behind another mask and covering that mask up by saying, "ugh, i'll NEVER wear THAT! Its too poser." but they KNOW they MIGHT wear it someday or be tempted. And for people who dress up like bimbos or punks or goths, I envy them sometimes. Even though human nature makes me judge them as "posers", I envy they have the courage to screw the whole world away and have the courage to do what they want and be what they want to be, shuning critisicms away. Cause in the end, these people would be the winners as they would do what they want to do in life before their passing whilse people like me, would be stuck in the ditch and regretting for something i did not do in my life. Well, regret comes too late, sadly.
Lastly, I can only think of one mask left [I have not discovered most of my faults]. That's pushing people away. I realise I can be nice to someone for a while and just shun them away the next moment before apologising and then again shouting at them the next moment. Or, If people asked me about my life, I'd most probably say that I'm happy and I Have a great life and that i could never be happier but that's all A LIE. Because life is NEVER perfect and EVERYONE suffers from problems. Look at paris hilton for instance. People envy her for being pretty, smart and rich. She buys the whole mall down with her diamond-covered fingers while sashaying her oh-so-perfect body around as the jaws of guys fall one after another, drool pouring out of their mouths. You'd think she's so lucky and she's so perfect. [Personally, i don't think she is but i'm setting an example. I don't like paris hilton.] But think about it, she would have family problems and also, in the media, its hard to make good friends without any back-stabbing you just to get 5 seconds of fame on the 9 O'clock news. Not only that, but she has to deal with critisicms of everyone [yeah I love to criticise her XD] and with the rumors and the porn movies coming up about her. Actually, the most perfect people are actually those who are the most unperfect... Back to pushing people away, there are many reasons why people like me do that but for my own personal self, its because I'm afraid of people since young.
Some background on myself... I have 2 sisters, older. When i was young till around p6, I was basically like the only child. Reason being was because my sisters acted as if i was not even existant. They would not talk to me last time and the only thing they did was to scold me for any reason they can fish out. I'm not exaggerating here. They would only talk to me once every term and that would only be a one-line kind of sentence. And because of this, I felt very lonely and abandoned. My parents i must reveal.. hate each other. They don't talk, not at all. In fact, they only talk once a year and that's in christmas. The only time they "talk" is to quarrel. They both behave as if either do not exist. This is what happens everyday: My mom comes back around 7, eats dinner, baths, talks to me or scolds me a bit, then watches tv in the room i share with my parents until 9.30pm. Then, my dad comes back and changed to his pajamas and starts watching tv in so-called "my room". But the moment my dad comes back, my mom would head downstairs and watch tv, even if my dad would be watching the same channel upstairs. They don't even say "hi" when they pass each other. And then they would sleep and leave early the next morning for work, leaving me alone in the house until very late at night. Imagine this: How would you feel if every morning, you wave your parents goodbye, knowing that they would only come back late at night and the reason they come back late is because they want to avoid this house which is void of any love? I wouldn't even call it a house. I'd call it a hotel where people come and go. Even my mom says this. How would it feel? And imagine watching neighbouring houses or your friends with happy and loving families, seeing how much they are so united and loving, and looking back at your family? Its a horrible feeling. I've always envied people with such loving families. And its been like this since I was born into this cruel world. My parents don't go out together -its either you go out with dear mommy or darling daddy. They never go together anywhere. And its painful to decide to go with whom everytime. I don't have family dinner either. I eat alone at my big ass dining table while I miserably swallow my food, staring at the empty chairs around me. I guess its because of the years of playing alone and the cold relationships in my family that makes me shun people away. I'm scared of them, scared of them finding out my life and that my family is so chaotic and scared of finding out that this actually BOTHERS me even if I've been living with this for 14 yrs, 1 month, 21 days, 16 hours and 18 minutes, 40 seconds. I'm scared people would hurt me like my family has and leave me hollow and void of emotions, only pain and sorrow.
In primary school, I always ate alone in the canteen, in the darkest and most remote corner I could find and i envied those who always sat with they're lively group of fixed friends. Its not that I enjoy being alone. Its because I've been forced to get used to it that I feel awkward with a lot of people. Because of this, I only learnt to trust myself and only myself and not any other person, making me suspicious of the world. I don't enjoy it. Its a lonely and horrible way to live. I used to talk to myself as a child and stare at the mirror and pretend that there was someone else there, someone i could trust. However, I soon got rid of that scary habit and started talking to my dog isntead but when he passed away 1 year ago, I totally shattered. I felt hopeless that my only friend was gone so i kept my feelings to myself again. I hated myself for doing this. I knew I wanted a friend. But i can't call my friends, "friends" because I don't trust them. I could cry myself to sleep certain nights when i was younger but i'd force myself to smile. And I realise something. Bluffing myself to smile and be happy took a toll on me. I really forgot how to smile. Because my smiles become empty. They still are.
Reflect on these lyrics from the song "masquerade" in phantom of the opera:
= Hide your face so the world can never find you=
=Look around there's another mask behind you=
Happy new year all.
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