fatfatfat.

Omg I feel fat.

and sexy.

I met up today with Jazreel and Nicole. MAN I MISS THEM >< We cam-whored A LOT!!! But I'm kind of in a rush now soI'll post it up another time. hey girls, I really really miss you... and after the sharing, I think we're so much closer... and we have a lot in common.. hai.. not sure if thats a good thing or its a bad thing. =)

Just glad that I have both of you....

THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS LYRICS
"Face Down"

Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say you're right again
Heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has...

One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It's coming round again.[x2]

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has...

Face down in the dirt, she said,
"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."[x2]

HAHAAAHAHAA

I found this on friendster and thought it was rather funny!

Why Ladies today are still single?
1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexualmen are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, butare nice men, have No money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, butare nice men with money think we areonly after their money.

7. The handsome men without money areafter our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not soniceand somewhat heterosexual, don't thinkwe are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful,that are heterosexual, somewhatnice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome,somewhat nice and have some money andthank God are heterosexual, are shy andNEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the firstmove, automatically lose interest in uswhen we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They allstart out like grapes,and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to havedinnerwith."

MEHAHAHAHA

MEHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm oh-so-screwed for Mid-years. Somehow, this year I'm really so fed up of studying - so much to the extent that I was hardly panicking for Mid-years despite only touching the books for the FIRST TIME a few hours before the exam. Let me quote you an example.

History exam today. HISTORY. Lots of stuff to study. I only started last night at 8pm?! LOL! I stopped at 12 midnight. Am I an ass or what? 4 hours to stuff 2 modules into my brain, a total of 100 pages of juicy thick fact sheets. And that was only the MOST BASIC I managed to cover.

Man, something is soooo wrong with me. It's like, I just somehow acquired a fuck-it-la attitude. Wonder where that came from. I have a hidden suspicion its all the events thats been happening recently. Stress can do wonders by doing the total opposite of erasing fear and replacing it with bochup-ness. Gaaah.

Anyway,

lit exam : can pass (hopefully) but scoring is out of the question
hist exam: HAHAHAHAHA dont talk about it =D If I get a Sub-pass I'll JUMP FOR JOY!
KI: hmmm I did my best for this so I hope to get at least a C?
Maths: MUST GET A FRIGGIN A OR A B!!!!!!!!!

Econs exams coming up with chinese (ugh).

Oh, and Celina's back again. Nice to have someone around ^^ At least I don't feel so lonely. And there's FATE FOR ME TO PLAY!! <3333 But I like it more because she's a form of company for me.. =)

Kiwi, I so wish you could stay with me. Then, I won't be so depressed and empty all the time.

GAAAAHH!!
Angst.
Angst.
Angst.

Oh yeah and history exam was today. TODAY. A FREAKING SATURDAY?! Like WTF? Who has exams on a SATURDAY!? ROAR! This is so unfair.

On a last note, I uploaded a new song ^^ It's soooo damn nice. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY IT!!!!!

Exams jitters, lots of coffee and bulging stomachs

Exams are coming.
EEP.

God save me.
St Jude save me.
Someone.

Cause I am so fucking screwed.

Oh well.

I just fucked up my jc life. Anyway!

I got another nice song for you guys anyway. Screamo emo. I'm not too sure what the song's about but its fun to listen to: Writings on the wall by Underoath

But before I post the lyrics, I must say something.

Dengue fever recently hit a epidemic high this week. 400 cases. Coming from a person who has had dengue in sec 2 and almost FRIGGIN DIED FROM IT, I urge you people to please, FOR THE GODDAMN SAKE OF EVERYONE OUT THERE AND NOT JUST YOUR SORRY-ASS CONVENIENCE, CLEAR YOUR GODDAMN POTS AND STOP THIS FUCKING EPIDEMIC BECAUSE IF I GET BITTEN AGAIN TEH DOCTORS SAID I'M GOING TO DIE THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!

And if that happens, I hope you damn inconsiderate mosquito-breeding pansies feel guilty about it for the rest of your lives just because of your idiotic moronic laziness thats going to result in people's TRAUMA and PAIN.

Assholes.

I've been through that shit, I know what its like and let me tell you, its not pleasant lying there not knowing if you'll be dead the next moment you wake up because all you can do is sleep cause you're too damn weak to move. And you can't eat either. And they jab you with thousands of needles. Thats why now I'm so traumatic of needles.

You have a brain! DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Writings on the wall - Underoath

Maybe we
Why dont we
Sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what a waste I am

And how we messed up it again

I swear we need to find some
comfort in this run down place
To preach the cup of this
constant state that we live in
And I try, I try

How can you try
To place us all
To fit the shape of
Until we break
Falling down, Yeah
You to move on, move on!
You must do what they show you
At this rate we cant give up
I'm thinking back on the things I've said
We're thinking back on the things I've said
My seconds just stand still
Hear me through then I swear I'll go

We walk alone
We walk alone
We walk alone
We walk alone
We walk alone
We walk alone
Back home
Alone,Back home

You're almost gone and I'm okay
I still see your sorrow
To give you time to be afraid
Put over your face again
I remember your presence

I'll hope to god you come down
I'll hope to god you feel this now
I'll hope to god you come down I'll hope to...

I know there must be some way out of here
And part of them will be waiting there

woohoo

OOOOOOOHHH ITS TIME TO LET IT GO~~!

Amp competition is coming up AAAAHHH!!!!

Amplify gambatte!! We shall trash MOD aka Ministry of Dance BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway on sunday I met up with Amp people! Man I miss you guys!!! We shall hang out again soon yea yea? Lets crap more! bwahahahaha and this time Soul will have hair =X

IM BLASTING RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS <333

oh and the stupid Sumo is seriously. pissing.me.off.

Bowled over, mixed around and served with an olive

WOOOOOWWW Red Jumpsuit Apparatus songs honestly BOWL ME OVER!!! Damn freaking emo lyrics with none of that happy crap.

It's the pure screamo-emo of the century, babeye.

The one playing on my music list now is one good example. Check out teh lyrics babeye. ITS POWERFUL.

THE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS LYRICS
"False Pretense"

Oh, it's time to let it go

The world's got a funny way of turning 'round on you
When a friend tries to stab you right in the face
Losing faith in everything I thought I hoped I knew

Don't sweat it,
{it was} set on false pretense
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...It's sacrifice

False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

All along you know you thought you got the best of me
{But} you were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face
I cannot believe you claimed you were my family

Don't sweat it - it's set on false pretense
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...It's sacrifice

False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

Oh, it's time to let it go

I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke...
It's sacrifice

False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending to deny
False pretense you'll hurt again

So play the game until you run out
And play the game into my hand

I LOVE RED JUMPSUIT APPARATUS!!!! <333

Ignorance is bliss

Ignorance is bliss.

So therefore, I wish you'd stop reminding me of everything that's happened. It's already hard enough to bury it 50 feet under where I can't dig it out again and it won't disturb me so please, stop filling back the holes I dig whenever I try to dig one.

You may say I'm going back to my previous self - that I'm getting too 'attached' to him. But what the hell. Do you expect me to completely avoid him?? If that's the case, whats the point of being in a relationship with him anymore? I mean, its the holidays now its the only time where I get to spend time more than once a week with him or sometimes on school days even none. So give me some space okay? If we don't spend time together how am I ever going to turn the open wound into a scar?

Sure, there'd always be that empty hole there despite everything he does but you don't have to stab it open everytime I go see him... I know what I'm doing, I know that you care but honestly, get off my back because its a choice I made that I'm well aware of. How am I not to be attached to him when I love him? Besides, he was not feeling well. Even if Jazreel or Nicole were not feeling well I would still go see them what! I think you're overreacting in this case. You had no idea how worried I was for him yesterday. If I did not go to visit him, I think I won't be able to concentrate today either because half the time I'd be worried cause he's in pain.

Grrrrs. This is exactly why I don't want to tell you things.

Anyway, once bitten twice shy. Twice bitten, drop dead and die. Not much of a diff. Let's just hope it works out this time yeah? (:

Everybody hopes for the best. Even me.

Someone throw me a beer.

Gigs, carlsberg and lots of crunchy bits

Went to church today. But before that, I had a wardrobe malfunction haha! So yeah, finally settled on army cargoes and my 'lets get dirty' top! Did a puppet show for the kids, ate lunch at Cartel (service by this girl is REALLY BAD) and met up with the kongster. After that we went out to the 2nd story deck in Junction Eight to smoke.

Not me, I mean, kongster and Braboy did. If I did, I'd be dead by now.

Literally.

The notorious trio took an mrt to Bugis and got lost there. After some help from ShaggyDawg, we found our way to the Red-something bar. I forgot the name so I'll just call it the Red-something bar. Yeah!!!!

But, the pub wasnt open yet so we went to TSC or TCC (I forgot the name) aka the Coffee Club. I had a Mocha Oreo Frappe! Awesome stuff I tell you~!!!!! The mineral water cups were cute too so erm, I borrowed one without permission and with no intention of returning it.

Hehhh. Shhh =X

Soon after, we chatted for a while until my contact kept rolling about my eye. It was my bloody contact on my right eye. Haha then for one moment I panicked because it rolled upwards and I thought it totally disappeared!!! Aaaah!!!!!! But luckily the kongster's girlfriend had a contact problem too before so he helped me pull it back down and solved my contact problem. A bit sick la haha but thanks!!!! ((:

Unfortunately, it became so often I just took out the damn contact and threw it into one of the cups containing mineral water LOL! So yea, for half of the day I was half-blind!!! GAH! But I felt soooo much better after that!!

The rock gig started after we finished drinking the stuff we ordered. Some bands were good and some were bad. There was 1 band that was just oh-so-terrible I walked out of the place. It hurt my ears too much- they played metal, by the way. And it was bad metal.

Definitely rusty.

But there was one band I must point out. There was this band of small kids (I think around the age of 12-13??) and wah lao they were JUST AS GOOD OR BETTER than the other bands!! I was super impressed!! I mean, sure- the lead's voice has not broken yet since he's young but he still sounded good singing stuff like Fall out boy, good charlotte and blink182! It was just so cute la!

And the lead guitarist was super good.

And they've got better guitars than I do. One of them cost at least 1k+.

IM JEALOUS! :(

While we watched, the three of us drank beer. Carlsberg. That was my second attempt drinking beer after the horrible incident whereby I tried some Tiger Beer which tasted AWFUL and never touched beer again. Hehhh. And beer taste GOOD!!! OMG!!! I SENSE AN ADDICTION!!!

Erm, but its fattening. Haiz. Why do good things always come with a price?!

Finally, it was the ShaggyDawg's turn to perform. Wah lao eh it was good!! Stuff like Dying in your arms, smells like teen spirit, Your heroine and stuff like that were sung. Though, I was a bit disappointed in DYing In Your Arms. There was just something missing, though, I can't really explain what. OH but Hanson and the ShaggyDawg were damn fun to watch!!!! Even though some songs were a disappointment, it was fun watching them jump around and jamming haha!! They're damn cool lah!!!!!! And Hanson is really REALLY good at bass. I'm impressed.

Ahh, the jealousy.

When their performance ended and the beer was finished, the three of us went to the shophouses nearby Bugis junction to have some beef noodles stuff. I tried the beef udon thing. GOOD STUFF ((:

The chilli made it even better!!!!! <333

I think I'll bring THEBOY there one day. Though, it is a bit pricey. Haiz. 'Good things comes with a price'

I better brush up my guitar skills. And strengthen my relationship with THEBOY.

To Luo Er: Sorry I couldn't attend the dance concert... though I really did want to =(
and sorry I didn't follow you shopping.. the gig was planned a long time ago just that
I didn't know it was today. Sorry!!!! :(

updated: Just had a bad stomachache. No more beer for me today. Also felt like puking.
Oh yeah, while my horrible neighbour was making a ruckus while I was having a peaceful crap, I noticed my toe nail is growing back again!!! =DD

And I really feel like shit. Body hurts cause of the 'Big Groove' event which is a dance workshop yesterday. It was really really fun, but it left me feeling as if I got run over by a lorry today. Well, not that I had been before - run over, that is- but I'd imagine it'd feel something close to as terrible as this. It's like, with every little muscle you use, a whole ripple of agony sears through ALL your muscles.

Especially sore places like my butt and my knees.

one day in heaven, one night in hell

I recently went to a chalet. Good stuff.

Finally, being away from my reality for a day and a night, I feel so much more relaxed... things have been going well and I'm slowly building up my world once again... thanks dear for being honest. (:

But well, now I'm back... reality sucks. Even though it was only a few hours ago that I woke up in your arms, it feels entirely like a dream. haha! How I wish we could have this again... its really paradise.. with nothing to worry about.

yay!

But boy, did I have annoying neighbours. 3am and they're still playing mahjong and laughing like hyennas!!! Grrrr.. THEBOY and I were like, GOD JUST SHUUUTT UPPPPP!!! So ANNOYING! Imagine you're trying to enjoy a nice quiet night while watching dvds and you get some oh-so-loud morons shouting and laughing.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a chalet. For your info, chalets are for people to break away from their usual life and enjoy private time. So, If you'd please, do shut your gap, sew it up, double-seal it with superglue and masking tape. Thank you, you inconsiderate imbeciles.

THEBOY went over to tell them off but being the bugger they were, they were saying 'don't care about him' in FRONT OF HIM. LIKE WTH?! What kind of jungle did you grow up in you insensitive black-hearted freak of nature?! If not for the fact I was wearing my night kimono I would have marched up to them and pounced on the biatch who said that and judo her all the way to URANUS.

SERIOUSLY. And they were younger than THEBOY too!! They ought to have pancake thrown at them!

Nitwits.

After I got home, I fell asleep for about an hour and then went out with Tudi to study. It was quite funny larh. We sat down for a while then he was like, "I feel like watching a movie" and eng wah cinema was just a door away.

We watched shrek 3!! the Half-dragon half-donkey IS SO CUTE!!! Once again, I'm in LOVE with antonio banderaz (spelling might be wrong) so yea.. but hm. It was not as good as shrek 2.

3 stars out of 5.

After that we ate at TP food court, studied at macs and went home. OH AND I SAW THE POLAR BEAR AT AMK MRT!! I HAPPENED TO CHANCE UPON HER!! SHE WAS LIKE, 2 MRT DOORS FROM MY CARRIAGE!!! OMG I MISS YOUUU POLAR BEAR!!!

Dear, I miss you x(

-" Live for another day, die for tomorrow "-

Houston, lets drop the fishing line.

"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah" - Apologize by One Republic

I'm walking on thin ice.
I know.
Anytime, any second, it may give way beneath my feet and plunge me into an icy tomb.
But I'm going to give it a try.
Because I want whats at the end of the path badly enough.
What is at the other side at the end of the day
is worth more than anything in a lifetime
if the ice is strong enough to hold us both.

I'm going to risk everything again.
Because to me, its worth it.
I hope its the same for you, too. (:

Don't let everything we've built up become this:

"Everyone knows
I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves" - Over my head by The Fray

"I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

...

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late" - Apologize by One Republic

okay?

We'll get through this.
TOGETHER.

lesson one: human beings are selfish bastards.

I finally understand the feeling of being dumped.

And it really sucks badly. Somehow or rather, I felt this coming... even in this 3 days where the wait has been excruciating... and yet I only succeeded in pushing him away even more. Want to know my record?

Have'nt been eating : 3 days. (except for one potato chip and a few bits of popcorn here and there + lots of water)

Cuts: 21. (none of them have bled yet. guess I still got my skills from sec 2)

Sleepless nights : 2.

Longest crying time:5hours non-stop.

Tissues used: 2 whole soft tissue boxes + 1 of tudi's tissue

Emo-ing: Every single goddamn minute.

I really broke down hard yesterday after my mother associated me with a hooker and said all my friends can go to hell. Yes mother, I'll never be the daughter dearest you always wanted. I'll never be home on time, I'll never care about your feelings and I'll never know you existed. Is that what you want? because you're pushing me to that.

And yes, If you must associate me with a hooker just for coming home at 8pm, then 1/2 of singapore's population are hookers as well - including the little kid in the pram. Wow, so young and so corrupted. I wonder who will go to that kid for services.

Mummy dearest, if your daughter was a hooker, I won't be a virgin by now and while I'm typing this out I might even be multi-tasking and fucking someone for a few hundred bucks which i would use to buy a Gameboy DS Lite. And I don't see a few hundred bucks in my wallet. I see $20.

I'm so sick of being strong. I've been trying to be strong since Zephyr died. I hardly cry and I've never cried out loud since that day. I usually just let the silent tears fall while I'm digging my nail into my flesh to distract myself with pain.

Why do you have to be so special? Why must you make me cry like this?

I would hate you if I could. But I don't even have the strength left to cry. The words bastard, selfish git, unfaithful swine, hormone-raging pervert, insensitive imbecile, blind asshole, fucking jerk are swimming about in the air around me but I just can't say it out. I don't want to. Cause it'd only make things worse and it'd be pointless.

You left me for TheOther. Let's call her the Dinosaur okay? Dinosaur because she's from your pre-historic past and Dinosaur because she definitely blew you away with her presence. Also because she squashed me flat.

I don't have the strength to hate you. I felt as though the world was collapsing from beneath my feet while you told me those words.

I feel cheated. I feel useless. I feel degraded. I feel cheap. I feel anything less than human. I feel like a bloody spare tyre.

Those 2years and 8months didn't mean anything to you I guess. It took a second of her to wipe that all away into history. I guess I didn't mean anything to you either. I remembered feeling so numb... I cried until I could not even feel my face anymore... even when the cutting started I could not feel anything.

That's how numb I was when you dropped a bomb on me,you bastard.

I stared at the four walls, feeling so hollow and empty inside. I felt so alone. The world was getting bigger while I was shrinking. And then I looked at the four walls and thought, "Funny, how come its still there?" And I would burst out crying again, while smiling. For what reason? I don't know. I've been smiling so much these past few days I don't know why I'm smiling for. I just know that I'm smiling to convince myself that I'm happy.

Self-denial, you might call it. Self preservation of my sanity, I say.

I can't really describe how I feel in words... its just so painful I feel as though my heart has corroded from acid....

Cut one: for the pain

Cut two: for the lost joy

Cut three: for being pathetic

Cut four: for being upset

Cut five: to feel alive again

Cut six: to break out of the numbness

Cut seven: for being a worthless nothing.

Cut, cut, cut.

I missed you like crazy just after that, thinking of all the times we had together, the things you used to say.... I just felt as though I was in a bad dream and I would wake up from it, with the sun shining down on my face and laughing at how silly I was to be so convinced.

But I couldn't wake up because I can't even sleep.

And now you want me back. I don't know. I know I'm going to be used again. And yet I'm going for it. I hate myself for loving you. I wish I could cut out my heart and store it somewhere like David Jones in POTC: World's End. Then nobody can find it and nobody can control my world. It's ironic cause I just watched that movie yesterday, 6 hrs before everything.

I'm stupid. I'm useless. I'm a disgrace to females. I hate love. Love should be banned. It destroys.

I could sleep after we patched but I still feel numb. I feel so much happier, but numb. Its because I know when you say 'I love you from now onwards, you can't mean it. Want to know what I love you means?

When a guy loves a girl and when a girl loves a guy,

he or she will look at no other

because their other half

would be the center of their world.

Melissa Chua you are the most stupid girl in the universe. I vote myself to be the dumbest bitch in the century. I can't depend on you to heal my wounds because I can't even depend on myself now. And I'm me.

Anyway I'll stop ranting. Here's a tip for thought: you told me not to ever leave you before and I told you likewise. I kept my hold of the bargain. Have you kept yours? No. Because my life up to now has been made up of empty promises.

I love THEBOY so much. But I love the Chiam Kimyeow that loved me 2 years and 8 months ago. The one who honestly LOVED. What did you do to him?

"Love is a dreadful bond but so easily severed' - Captain David Jones, POTC: world's end.