lesson one: human beings are selfish bastards.

I finally understand the feeling of being dumped.

And it really sucks badly. Somehow or rather, I felt this coming... even in this 3 days where the wait has been excruciating... and yet I only succeeded in pushing him away even more. Want to know my record?

Have'nt been eating : 3 days. (except for one potato chip and a few bits of popcorn here and there + lots of water)

Cuts: 21. (none of them have bled yet. guess I still got my skills from sec 2)

Sleepless nights : 2.

Longest crying time:5hours non-stop.

Tissues used: 2 whole soft tissue boxes + 1 of tudi's tissue

Emo-ing: Every single goddamn minute.

I really broke down hard yesterday after my mother associated me with a hooker and said all my friends can go to hell. Yes mother, I'll never be the daughter dearest you always wanted. I'll never be home on time, I'll never care about your feelings and I'll never know you existed. Is that what you want? because you're pushing me to that.

And yes, If you must associate me with a hooker just for coming home at 8pm, then 1/2 of singapore's population are hookers as well - including the little kid in the pram. Wow, so young and so corrupted. I wonder who will go to that kid for services.

Mummy dearest, if your daughter was a hooker, I won't be a virgin by now and while I'm typing this out I might even be multi-tasking and fucking someone for a few hundred bucks which i would use to buy a Gameboy DS Lite. And I don't see a few hundred bucks in my wallet. I see $20.

I'm so sick of being strong. I've been trying to be strong since Zephyr died. I hardly cry and I've never cried out loud since that day. I usually just let the silent tears fall while I'm digging my nail into my flesh to distract myself with pain.

Why do you have to be so special? Why must you make me cry like this?

I would hate you if I could. But I don't even have the strength left to cry. The words bastard, selfish git, unfaithful swine, hormone-raging pervert, insensitive imbecile, blind asshole, fucking jerk are swimming about in the air around me but I just can't say it out. I don't want to. Cause it'd only make things worse and it'd be pointless.

You left me for TheOther. Let's call her the Dinosaur okay? Dinosaur because she's from your pre-historic past and Dinosaur because she definitely blew you away with her presence. Also because she squashed me flat.

I don't have the strength to hate you. I felt as though the world was collapsing from beneath my feet while you told me those words.

I feel cheated. I feel useless. I feel degraded. I feel cheap. I feel anything less than human. I feel like a bloody spare tyre.

Those 2years and 8months didn't mean anything to you I guess. It took a second of her to wipe that all away into history. I guess I didn't mean anything to you either. I remembered feeling so numb... I cried until I could not even feel my face anymore... even when the cutting started I could not feel anything.

That's how numb I was when you dropped a bomb on me,you bastard.

I stared at the four walls, feeling so hollow and empty inside. I felt so alone. The world was getting bigger while I was shrinking. And then I looked at the four walls and thought, "Funny, how come its still there?" And I would burst out crying again, while smiling. For what reason? I don't know. I've been smiling so much these past few days I don't know why I'm smiling for. I just know that I'm smiling to convince myself that I'm happy.

Self-denial, you might call it. Self preservation of my sanity, I say.

I can't really describe how I feel in words... its just so painful I feel as though my heart has corroded from acid....

Cut one: for the pain

Cut two: for the lost joy

Cut three: for being pathetic

Cut four: for being upset

Cut five: to feel alive again

Cut six: to break out of the numbness

Cut seven: for being a worthless nothing.

Cut, cut, cut.

I missed you like crazy just after that, thinking of all the times we had together, the things you used to say.... I just felt as though I was in a bad dream and I would wake up from it, with the sun shining down on my face and laughing at how silly I was to be so convinced.

But I couldn't wake up because I can't even sleep.

And now you want me back. I don't know. I know I'm going to be used again. And yet I'm going for it. I hate myself for loving you. I wish I could cut out my heart and store it somewhere like David Jones in POTC: World's End. Then nobody can find it and nobody can control my world. It's ironic cause I just watched that movie yesterday, 6 hrs before everything.

I'm stupid. I'm useless. I'm a disgrace to females. I hate love. Love should be banned. It destroys.

I could sleep after we patched but I still feel numb. I feel so much happier, but numb. Its because I know when you say 'I love you from now onwards, you can't mean it. Want to know what I love you means?

When a guy loves a girl and when a girl loves a guy,

he or she will look at no other

because their other half

would be the center of their world.

Melissa Chua you are the most stupid girl in the universe. I vote myself to be the dumbest bitch in the century. I can't depend on you to heal my wounds because I can't even depend on myself now. And I'm me.

Anyway I'll stop ranting. Here's a tip for thought: you told me not to ever leave you before and I told you likewise. I kept my hold of the bargain. Have you kept yours? No. Because my life up to now has been made up of empty promises.

I love THEBOY so much. But I love the Chiam Kimyeow that loved me 2 years and 8 months ago. The one who honestly LOVED. What did you do to him?

"Love is a dreadful bond but so easily severed' - Captain David Jones, POTC: world's end.