The line between love and hate is thinner than air.
Is it possible to hate somebody you love?
Ironically, yes. In fact, I hate to love you but I just can't help myself. Perhaps, its because we're so close and you know my complicated personality inside-out... and it scares me.
Nobody in my life has ever been that close to me before. You see, it is typical of me to build up walls all around me because I grew up alone. Unlike some of you lucky arsses out there, I spent most of my childhood facing four walls talking to myself to block out the silence and my only relief was from 6pm-7pm where I would go to the park and play with the soccer boys... I'm not used to company. Any form of company I had was dead (non-living) and the only few people who knew a side of me was my maid, my dog and my grandmother.
Alas fate is cruel and the last two are no longer with me. I think he enjoys watching me suffer in sadistically amusing situations. Retarded asshole.
My maid (I prefer to call her Aunty) is still with me but I hardly talk to her anymore...Not that I don't want to... but after that initial stage of primary school-hood and you're left alone, I grew up to only count on myself... I feel awkward sharing my problems with people.
Most of the time I'm hearing other people's problems. Ironic isn't it?
But now with you around, I feel vulnerable.
You always ask why do I feel so insecure? It's because you've already anchored yourself so deeply in my life ... having someone else other than myself to depend on is like a fucking drug. And well, our relationship is just too perfect it seems so superficial... sometimes I think one day you're just going to turn around and say, "okay, cut. We've finally filmed the last scene. Lets pack up and go home! This movie is going to hit box-office!" and I'd hear applause from people sitting in cinema seats.
I tried distancing myself from you before. There was one period of time I acted like a total bitch and picked out the most picayune of flaws to create some argument between us so that we'd be more like a normal couple... but I failed, miserably. I just can't detach myself from you.
I know I'm going to get hurt like this. This totally betrays the attitude I have nurtured from young. The walls are meant to make sure I don't get hurt so why am I letting you in? I don't let my parents in, nor my cousins, nor my friends (except for jaz and nicole)... so why are you so special? I feel I'm stupid and yet I don't do anything about it. Is it already too late?
Funny thing is, I always say you love me more than I love you but why am I saying that so often? Am I just trying to convince myself that I still have that gap between me and you so I can deny that I will get hurt if anything happens? Initially, the most important thing to me is myself. I have to protect myself from anything because nobody will protect me... but why is that gone now?
I don't want to be hurt by you. The only person capable of hurting me is myself. So pathetic as this may sound, I want this fairytale to carry on, without it shattering for another hotter and sweeter girl. I know I'm not a nice person. My personality is bitchy, indifferent, demanding,
grouchy and I would rarely admit that I love someone. You might want a prettier girl who is bubbly, enthusiastic and would gladly announce to the world and everyone along orchard road that she loves you. I ain't affectionate. Any bimbo affection you see me do is probably a facade. But I'm trying to change and be the ideal girl you would want (I'm even trying to get along with kids now and being friendly to people!) .. but I don't want you to love this facade... I want you to love the real me that nobody else can see...
The thing that really hit me one day was when you said "I know you la, if I leave you now you won't be able to take it. I know you love me too much,you'll do something stupid"
I wanted to argue, I wanted to preserve my pride.
But the words couldn't come out.
Cause I know it was true and I hate myself for it. Badly.
Ironically, yes. In fact, I hate to love you but I just can't help myself. Perhaps, its because we're so close and you know my complicated personality inside-out... and it scares me.
Nobody in my life has ever been that close to me before. You see, it is typical of me to build up walls all around me because I grew up alone. Unlike some of you lucky arsses out there, I spent most of my childhood facing four walls talking to myself to block out the silence and my only relief was from 6pm-7pm where I would go to the park and play with the soccer boys... I'm not used to company. Any form of company I had was dead (non-living) and the only few people who knew a side of me was my maid, my dog and my grandmother.
Alas fate is cruel and the last two are no longer with me. I think he enjoys watching me suffer in sadistically amusing situations. Retarded asshole.
My maid (I prefer to call her Aunty) is still with me but I hardly talk to her anymore...Not that I don't want to... but after that initial stage of primary school-hood and you're left alone, I grew up to only count on myself... I feel awkward sharing my problems with people.
Most of the time I'm hearing other people's problems. Ironic isn't it?
But now with you around, I feel vulnerable.
You always ask why do I feel so insecure? It's because you've already anchored yourself so deeply in my life ... having someone else other than myself to depend on is like a fucking drug. And well, our relationship is just too perfect it seems so superficial... sometimes I think one day you're just going to turn around and say, "okay, cut. We've finally filmed the last scene. Lets pack up and go home! This movie is going to hit box-office!" and I'd hear applause from people sitting in cinema seats.
I tried distancing myself from you before. There was one period of time I acted like a total bitch and picked out the most picayune of flaws to create some argument between us so that we'd be more like a normal couple... but I failed, miserably. I just can't detach myself from you.
I know I'm going to get hurt like this. This totally betrays the attitude I have nurtured from young. The walls are meant to make sure I don't get hurt so why am I letting you in? I don't let my parents in, nor my cousins, nor my friends (except for jaz and nicole)... so why are you so special? I feel I'm stupid and yet I don't do anything about it. Is it already too late?
Funny thing is, I always say you love me more than I love you but why am I saying that so often? Am I just trying to convince myself that I still have that gap between me and you so I can deny that I will get hurt if anything happens? Initially, the most important thing to me is myself. I have to protect myself from anything because nobody will protect me... but why is that gone now?
I don't want to be hurt by you. The only person capable of hurting me is myself. So pathetic as this may sound, I want this fairytale to carry on, without it shattering for another hotter and sweeter girl. I know I'm not a nice person. My personality is bitchy, indifferent, demanding,
grouchy and I would rarely admit that I love someone. You might want a prettier girl who is bubbly, enthusiastic and would gladly announce to the world and everyone along orchard road that she loves you. I ain't affectionate. Any bimbo affection you see me do is probably a facade. But I'm trying to change and be the ideal girl you would want (I'm even trying to get along with kids now and being friendly to people!) .. but I don't want you to love this facade... I want you to love the real me that nobody else can see...
The thing that really hit me one day was when you said "I know you la, if I leave you now you won't be able to take it. I know you love me too much,you'll do something stupid"
I wanted to argue, I wanted to preserve my pride.
But the words couldn't come out.
Cause I know it was true and I hate myself for it. Badly.
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