Revelation of a lifetime

I found out stuff today that I would not have ever known in my whole lifetime if I did not go out today. And I'm grateful for that.

I KNEW that things could not be so simple! Because if they were, then, I honestly will be damn annoyed at the whole situation because its just so damn stupid and childish. I spent 19+ years wondering.

19 FUCKING YEARS.

And of all people, the person that's been harping so much on it and blaming the other party is actually the one more guilty than the other.

Seriously, I don't know what to think. It's like being told your whole entire life that you're a human, only to find out 19+ years later that you're actually an alien from outer space. I honestly don't know what is real and what isn't anymore. But, I do know one thing: that I'm glad I actually found out the truth, even if its extremely ugly.

And you know, its funny, I don't want blame anyone.

I can actually fully accept and understand everything. Because the pieces are all coming together now.

The snippets of memories from 4,5 and 6 years old. The old photos I stumbled across by accident. The wedding photo. Their behaviour. The mind games. The letter from secondary 2 camp. I can finally understand it all.

How many bloody times have I stared at that wedding photo and thought, they looked so happy its almost alien?

I fucking finally understand why she is so against love. Why she thinks I will never understand love, why she thinks all my relationships are never going to work out, why she's selfish sometimes and seeks our attention unshamelessly even when its obviously the wrong methods, even if it involves hurting someone.

Egoistical but yet Sentimental. Likes power, and sucks at showing feelings. I'll never forget that. Because it is so apt.


But at the same time, its dislocating me. I wonder what is better - to be born only to disappoint people based on my sex or to be born out of temporary happiness?

If its the first, I've accepted it. If its the second, I'm satisfied enough.