stab me a heartbreak with history

Mental breakdown mental breakdown now physically!

It seems no matter how fucking hard I try for history I'll never get the results I want. I don't know how the fuck am I going to do my history assignment she gave me cause I'll probably do the EXACT SAME THING I did in my exam! Yes, I'll take a bow and you can draw LOSER on my ass and hang me up on a dart board while you practice your aim with darts or tomatoes! You know what? I don't think I'll pass history. EVER. Even though I study the hardest for it, I can never seem to get it.

Well, FUCK YOU.

Every lecture having to be reminded of what a big loser ass peice of crap I am thats so lowly I ain't even deserving the title of 'human', every word coming out of your mouth that painfully makes me wonder why I even chose JC in the first place and every strained breathe I release after unconsciously holding it makes me wonder why I'm still here!!!!

FINE. I'LL ADMIT IT. I'M NOT A FUCKING GLORIOUS STUDENT WITH OH-SO-NEAT UNIFORM, SPARKLING GRADES, GOD-LIKE BEHAVIOUR OR A DESERVING ONE AT THAT. I'M JUST A LAME-ASS RETARD THAT'S WEARING A SCHOOL UNIFORM AND DROWNING IN STRESS EVERY SINGLE DAY WHILE LIVING IN DREAD FOR EVERY SINGLE HOUR THAT PASSES.

I FAIL AS A STUDENT.
I PROCLAIM IT NOW.

I don't fucking care if one of you (yes, YOU 'PEOPLE') fucking reads this and fucking thinks: "mel's just drowning in self pity" but YET pretend to care and be my friend the next day in school with a BIIIGG HUUUGEE WAXED-ON SMILE (with your pure white pearlie teeth beaming) on your perfect rosy face as you go 'OH, HI MEL!'

Fuck you.
I'm naive but I'm not fucking blind. I know you don't see me as a friend. You think I'm pathetic and you're so much better, that I'm some hopeless piece of crap that never 'really made it'. But guess what? You never knew me at all. All those stuff I told you, well, that's only superficial stuff. And for a note to take, I was never trying to be what you are (a no-good plastic barbie). I'm just trying to find a side of me that DIED the moment I entered JC - apart from the only time when I managed to find myself again in Orientation2.

I've been fucking breaking down mentally EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. AFTER. SCHOOL. Why the fuck you think I game so much??? Haven't you figured out already that its a fucking form of escapism for me? If not for online games, I'll probably be in woodbridge already from forming a dent in my wall! It's not fucking healthy but fuck it anyway cause even if its an hour of false paradise, so be it.

So fine, I've finally reached breaking point and I find myself crying as I do history. And the best part is: I DON'T EVEN FEEL SAD. The tears just fucking come down but I feel NO EMOTION inside. It's like someone just pressed the remote control for me, down the button that says "cry". And I can sit there and still laugh at myself for being so stupid.

Bitter laughter.

I'm so sick of putting on a fake front. I'm so sick of pretending to be strong. What's so wrong with being a wuss and actually crying my heart out? I don't even fucking remember the last time my voice quivered or changed when I cried. I just see my fucking stoic face in the fucking mirror and see the tears come down before I feel embarrassed and wipe them quickly away. The last time I've ever come close to even crying out was last year in june but that was because something very close to my heart was pulled out, stabbed many times, sewn up, and thrown back in. Before that, I can't even REMEMBER.

I'm so sick of this. And I know I'm whining. So sue me. You don't have to put up with it. I'd even feel better if you slapped me now. Or rammed my head against the wall and smooshed my brain.

Hey jaz, magical saturdays remember? Saturdays are the only days I actually forget all this shittyness. But the moment the magic is over, its gloom for the rest of the week.

still breaking down over and over again. How does it feel?

Just fantastic.

Well, FUCK YOU HISTORY I'll fucking complete you to-fucking-morrow! I'm just gonna fucking sleep!!!!!