handguns and second chances

been long since I blogged. Baaad me.

Anyway school's been really really stressful... countdown to promos... 30+ days... I don't think even god can save me now. Haiz. I dropped KI too. Somehow I think its better this way... though I would sorely miss the cool people in KI class =((..

I sometimes really hate me for being me.

oh irony.

So I was thinking while bathing (things usually come to me when I bath. Don't ask why. I think its cause I have nothing much better to do and the water temperature just frys any previous thoughts out from my brain.)... if I don't break down everything in my life now, I will go insane. Honestly. I'm getting a lot of sht from my mom, getting a lot of shit from my grades, getting a lot of shit from myself, getting a lot of shit from my paranoia and a lot of other shit from dance.

Basically, everything is shitty now. I'm 10-inches deep in shit. And I've been wading around in it for quite a while.

Here's my plan. I'm going to live my life in a dream. I'll train myself to be numb to everything. That way, I won't snap nor will I harbor any emotions. With emotions there's memories. With memories there's never-ending meaningless suffering. So I will detach myself from everything and kill my emotions. Maybe after all this is over, I might get back to the way I am.

And maybe, in this period where I cut off from everything, I might find myself again.
And maybe THEN I'll continue wondering what happened to God and what happened to the purpose in life.

"Handguns And Second Chances" - Senses Fail

To kill the whitest looking dove
To hate everything I love
And I'm trying to pretend
Oh in wanting life to end
That I am not another stupid
Little teenage fucking whore

And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see

To take this handgun to my eyes
And watch my cells start to rise
The flesh now starts to break as the
Bullet enters like a snake through
Through one side of my head
And out the other one

And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see

And I'm too scared to live tonight
And I'm too bare to shed my plight
And I'm too scared to live tonight

Too damn bare to shed my plight
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
Watch the bones rip through my flesh
A catharsis of my own distress
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not)

And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see

SENSES FAIL LYRICS
"Martini Kiss"

There's poison in my drinking glass
Don't stop just sip it down
And in a swirling masquerade of sound
My body hits the ground
I'm beautiful when I'm asleep
Martini kisses land
On my blistered bloody scarlet lips

The bottles in my hand

Burn out, not fade away [x6]

I'll speak in riddles so you can understand
I'll draw in pencil so you can trace with pen
So in love with me like sand to wet feet
I'll write both our names into the wet concrete

We're glistening like silver spoons
Beneath the summer night
Oh can you smell the subtle hint of frost
As the flowers start to cry
The autumn winds are bringing graves
To all the emerald trees
They're so beautiful in their dismay

The colors slowly bleed

Burn out, not fade away [x6]

I'll speak in riddles so you can understand
I'll draw in pencil so you can trace with pen
So in love with me like sand to wet feet
I'll write both our names into the wet concrete

The pawns will fade away
(Burn out, not fade away)
(Burn out, not fade away)
The king's at his checkmate
(Burn out, not fade away)
(Burn out, not fade away)

And I sit here with a sick grin
Choking as I laugh until I die.

Burn out, not fade away [x4]