love with a pinch of salt.

hehh I ponned chinese class today... bo liao......

Went to popular to get some stuff. I need a new file. But was too broke.

Anyway when I was in popular I heard a song playing.. it went something like this:

Tell Laura I love her

Tell Laura I need her

Tell Laura not to cry

Because I'll love her even after I die

it was an old song sung by some old guy. He said those words while he was supposedly dying in the song in a car accident.

And well, I felt weird. As if the song had done me insult, I scoffed at it. I thought, "Love songs are all full of lies and for any guy to do that on earth would be impossible."

Because no guy would ever love a girl as much as she would love him....and even if there were, I think I can count them with one hand.

There's a very thin line between love and hate... when all's well, you would think love is a beautiful thing. You would sing praises of it and appreciate love songs so much more. You would see flowers everywhere with the sunshine pouring down warmly on your face. You would even think the rain was something so serene, so beautiful that would be nice to watch from under a shelter with your loved one.

When you're knocked out of that stupidity, you see the truth for what it really is. White becomes black. You see all the false lies, the false promises in the past and in love songs. You see the bright morning and the flowers being so mocking, as if they were joyful and laughing at your demise. You see the rain, cruel and lashing, as if it too, was against you.

Then you turn around, examine your whole life and you see the evidence of falsehood all around. All the letters, all the efforts, all the messages. And suddenly you wonder, where did the guy that I love go? Then as you look around further, you envy the girl that you were 2 years ago. So happy but yet so oblivious to her happiness....and you'd give anything to get back to that stage.. when love was still gay and wonderful.

Why you may ask that these thoughts suddenly came up?

Actually they were there all the while.. just that it re-surfaced today when I met pid... seems like we're both being fools, eh? =) And yeah we're going to have to curb our paranoia babe..

Thinking back, I told her she's stupid to want to kill herself over someone... and I thought, if it were me, I won't do such a stupid thing. But I did harbour thoughts of it during that period. Not really over the loss... but rather, I just felt so empty the feeling was killing me. I just wanted it to stop.

I think, somehow I've changed a lot. I look at couples now and I feel bitter and sad. I feel bitter because I'm reminded of everything of all the past lost happiness. And I feel sad, because I'm wondering how long more before she gets dumped and that sad little fairytale of hers would come crumbling down. And then, what would she do? And I think, she doesn't deserve it....

she wants to seek happiness with you and all you do is to take her for a joy ride. Let me tell you, she's happy cause you're there and if you take that away, you're killing her.

Pid and I both agree that when people say 'I understand how you feel', its pure bull. Only if they have been through the same thing they will they TRULY understand... we also agree that no pure love exists.

I think twice when someone says "I love you" to me now.... because its not true.... it's just another false promise. A false promise I will always fall for and end up splattered on the ground no matter how much I try to resist it....

Love is when you see that person and only that person. Leaving the one who loves you for the one you like will only end up in misery because the one you like will leave you for the one THEY love.

And at that time I can bitterly smile while crying and saying "Haha... sucker..." before stabbing myself.

I hate myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to gorge out my heart, shred it to peices and lock it up somewhere safe...

I think I'm demented and I really need time to trust everything again.. if its possible...

I really want it to work this time..because I really love you more than you can even imagine... even to the extent that I want to be with you forever... but I'm just so tired and afraid I'm going to end up in this whole shit again.....because this time I really won't be able to take it...