Rebound.

It's happening again.

Sitting alone at my dining table, eating a cup of marigold peach and mango yogurt,
I didn't taste a single thing.
I was too busy asking myself, why?

And just as I am typing this now, I just realized that it was expired.
I can now taste the sour taste in my mouth.
But I don't get up to rinse it out.
I'm still here typing.

Because if I stop, I'll never be able to type this all out.
It's still there - haunting me, lurking in every corner.

This scar.

It hurt when it happened, it stung with time, and it won't ever disappear.

And it explains why I'm behaving this way:
A quiet desperation.
A desperation to re-assure myself
But at the same time, a desperation to find an alternative,
An alternative utopia that only exists in fairy tales.

And till now, I still don't know what to do?
Do I continue squeezing lemon over the wound?
Or do I kiss it all goodbye?

I'm so tempted, really I am.

But yet if I choose the second,
I know I will live to regret.
And regretting and something I detest.
Because I'd never know when I'd die.

It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be in 20 years.
I don't know -
After all, its happened so many times already I can't be sure when the next would come knocking.

Why do I want?
Why do I crave?
Why do I feel so insecure?
Why am I still hurting?

'Waste not, want not. I am not being wasted.' - A handmaid's tale