Read between the stabs
Hey happy new year to all...guess your new year would have been so much better than mine. If it is, grats. If it isnt, hang on to your sanity; I'm holding onto mine.
Seriously, shit isn't a word to describe how I'm feeling now. Its so bad I can't even find a word to describe it. To let you know the feeling, it's like being sucked into oblivion, have your heart torn out, pierced with cupid's fucking arrow, dribbled over the entire world, trampled on by thousands of feet and thrown back into you, even with bad stitching. In fact, the stitching is so bad, everytime you think about it, the wound re-opens and you experience things over and over again in a relentless cycle...I really really feel like crying out but if I start, i can't stop so I won't even start...I'll just swallow them up...
I know its your birthday and 21st birthdays are special... well, at least i tried to make it. You know I'm shy to attend family gatherings but I did so anyway to make you happy and to know your family better. I didn't even get mad at you when you gave me the wrong bus number and caused me to walk back in the rain to the first bus stop. I even planned what to wear a few days before and contemplated putting on makeup. I didn't want to embarrass you. I wanted you to be proud of having me as a girlfriend. I guess you would not know all these because I never said anything. In the end I didn't put any makeup because the tries at home went so horribly wrong I just gave up after almost rubbing off half my face...hey.. you're special and so important to me and I know sometimes I can be unbearable..
Sorry for not talking much to your family...I really didn't know how to start conversation (especially in chinese..).. some more your male cousin looked so fierce I was too scared to say anything. I guess i do frustrate you sometimes when I act anti-social..and I know you try to make me happy by mixing with my family members..I mean, really, thanks for that...ARGH I guess I'm just sorry for being a friggin fucking big disappointment.
I guess what hurt me most was what you said... that its alright for a girl to kiss a guy but not okay for a guy to kiss a girl... like wtf....that's just pure rubbish lah....does that mean that any girl on the street can kiss you and thats okay? Yea, okay to you but not to me.... Seriously... if a guy kissed me, wouldn't you feel the pinch too? You may say its your colleagues or friends but, would YOU still be fine if one of my guy friends kissed me? I know everyone wants their fun but one person of the opposite gender is enough... why wait till 5? And on top of that still blush? it makes me wonder if you actually enjoyed it.....and the more i wonder, the more i feel like a fool. It's not a matter of what gender kissed what but rather, we're in a relationship on trust...if these things happen it makes me lose my trust in you. It also makes me feel as if I'm not good enough for you...that you'd rather others..
Don't know.. maybe you think I'm just a kid...those girls out there can satisfy you more because they're much more mature and around your level....I really don't know...Its hurtful to think that way but I wouldn't know what you're thinking...after all, I'm still so underdeveloped in terms of many things... a person your age wouldn't see much in it.
Sorry for saying things that might have hurt you and acted certain ways that only bitches would do...I know you want to be entirely honest with me and I really appreciate that. I can't say much. Hope from this you wouldn't close up entirely from me... i know i got jealous but if you don't tell me these things then how can i trust you.....well guess I can't be pissed then since I want you to be honest... haha I guess I'm disappointed? yea I admit, I'm jealous, even if its childish jealousy to you..but you promised me we'd never grow up... so maybe if you think this is all childish then I guess you've grown up...
Sorry for being sickening.
Seriously, shit isn't a word to describe how I'm feeling now. Its so bad I can't even find a word to describe it. To let you know the feeling, it's like being sucked into oblivion, have your heart torn out, pierced with cupid's fucking arrow, dribbled over the entire world, trampled on by thousands of feet and thrown back into you, even with bad stitching. In fact, the stitching is so bad, everytime you think about it, the wound re-opens and you experience things over and over again in a relentless cycle...I really really feel like crying out but if I start, i can't stop so I won't even start...I'll just swallow them up...
I know its your birthday and 21st birthdays are special... well, at least i tried to make it. You know I'm shy to attend family gatherings but I did so anyway to make you happy and to know your family better. I didn't even get mad at you when you gave me the wrong bus number and caused me to walk back in the rain to the first bus stop. I even planned what to wear a few days before and contemplated putting on makeup. I didn't want to embarrass you. I wanted you to be proud of having me as a girlfriend. I guess you would not know all these because I never said anything. In the end I didn't put any makeup because the tries at home went so horribly wrong I just gave up after almost rubbing off half my face...hey.. you're special and so important to me and I know sometimes I can be unbearable..
Sorry for not talking much to your family...I really didn't know how to start conversation (especially in chinese..).. some more your male cousin looked so fierce I was too scared to say anything. I guess i do frustrate you sometimes when I act anti-social..and I know you try to make me happy by mixing with my family members..I mean, really, thanks for that...ARGH I guess I'm just sorry for being a friggin fucking big disappointment.
I guess what hurt me most was what you said... that its alright for a girl to kiss a guy but not okay for a guy to kiss a girl... like wtf....that's just pure rubbish lah....does that mean that any girl on the street can kiss you and thats okay? Yea, okay to you but not to me.... Seriously... if a guy kissed me, wouldn't you feel the pinch too? You may say its your colleagues or friends but, would YOU still be fine if one of my guy friends kissed me? I know everyone wants their fun but one person of the opposite gender is enough... why wait till 5? And on top of that still blush? it makes me wonder if you actually enjoyed it.....and the more i wonder, the more i feel like a fool. It's not a matter of what gender kissed what but rather, we're in a relationship on trust...if these things happen it makes me lose my trust in you. It also makes me feel as if I'm not good enough for you...that you'd rather others..
Don't know.. maybe you think I'm just a kid...those girls out there can satisfy you more because they're much more mature and around your level....I really don't know...Its hurtful to think that way but I wouldn't know what you're thinking...after all, I'm still so underdeveloped in terms of many things... a person your age wouldn't see much in it.
Sorry for saying things that might have hurt you and acted certain ways that only bitches would do...I know you want to be entirely honest with me and I really appreciate that. I can't say much. Hope from this you wouldn't close up entirely from me... i know i got jealous but if you don't tell me these things then how can i trust you.....well guess I can't be pissed then since I want you to be honest... haha I guess I'm disappointed? yea I admit, I'm jealous, even if its childish jealousy to you..but you promised me we'd never grow up... so maybe if you think this is all childish then I guess you've grown up...
Sorry for being sickening.
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