When the past gets back to you...
I have to admit- I seem to be getting lazier by the day.
Are those spider nests or what? Well, guess it does not really matter... All the stuff i post in here are just my own junk anyway...
Life's been shitty. And I mean extremely. I can't cope with school work, the wars with teachers of which I'm always the losing end, the pressure of O levels, the problems with certain people, my own feelings and the cold feeling of being very hollow inside.
My state of mind: I am depressed.
It's not the kind of depression where you walk around with big big eye bags and scare the living hell out of people as you become very gothic and a self-proclaiming hater of life. It's the kind of depression where you smile but your insides are frozen with anguish and you laugh till you cry, not because you are hilariously happy, but you can't express out the darkness within. And it kills.
Unfortunately, I happen to be the latter and since nobody really visits this blog, I can safely proclaim that nobody actually knows about this. I am getting crabby, self-hating, people-hating and my awful self is going to emerge again. Old habits die hard too.
Such a temptation it is - To feel the pain against your skin with every slice you drive into your arm with all your hate.... but I know I can't repeat it again. But oooohh the temptation.
I composed a poem today, examining my own state of mind:
It's entitled REPRESSION
The ravens are cawing,
The old lady is singing.
There she sits,
combing and combing,
piles of broken combs,
strewn around her feet like gravestones.
She sees no hope
She sees no joy
Just like how I am
Everybody's toy.
The snarling can't you hear it?
Beasts
Of all sorts prowling in the dark pits
In every corner.
Where I was once saw white
All left now is black
Oh yes, it is a fright.
They're cirling now,
Niping at me every time they passed,
Oblivious to my pain and how
The silent tears fall
Drowning out reason,
Drowning out pain,
Drowing out compassion,
Only knowing what's there to gain.
I'm screaming
The blade is swinging
Closer and closer
Louder and louder
The chanting goes
Killing the girl
That nobody knows
Everything was always empty
Everything was always superficial
Everything was always meant to be
But what about the fact that I'm still me?
What about the voices I hear?
They won't disappear
What about the monsters that prowl?
And the way my heart growls
Out of hunger
Out of hate
Out of desperation
Out of hopelessness
Nobody seems to see
Nobody seems able to save
The blade is coming
It's coming closer and closer
And I see white
I'm in a bright room
I'm all alone
Ready to face my doom
To face my troubles,
To preserve my humanity,
How could I have still managed to maintained my sanity?
Are those spider nests or what? Well, guess it does not really matter... All the stuff i post in here are just my own junk anyway...
Life's been shitty. And I mean extremely. I can't cope with school work, the wars with teachers of which I'm always the losing end, the pressure of O levels, the problems with certain people, my own feelings and the cold feeling of being very hollow inside.
My state of mind: I am depressed.
It's not the kind of depression where you walk around with big big eye bags and scare the living hell out of people as you become very gothic and a self-proclaiming hater of life. It's the kind of depression where you smile but your insides are frozen with anguish and you laugh till you cry, not because you are hilariously happy, but you can't express out the darkness within. And it kills.
Unfortunately, I happen to be the latter and since nobody really visits this blog, I can safely proclaim that nobody actually knows about this. I am getting crabby, self-hating, people-hating and my awful self is going to emerge again. Old habits die hard too.
Such a temptation it is - To feel the pain against your skin with every slice you drive into your arm with all your hate.... but I know I can't repeat it again. But oooohh the temptation.
I composed a poem today, examining my own state of mind:
It's entitled REPRESSION
The ravens are cawing,
The old lady is singing.
There she sits,
combing and combing,
piles of broken combs,
strewn around her feet like gravestones.
She sees no hope
She sees no joy
Just like how I am
Everybody's toy.
The snarling can't you hear it?
Beasts
Of all sorts prowling in the dark pits
In every corner.
Where I was once saw white
All left now is black
Oh yes, it is a fright.
They're cirling now,
Niping at me every time they passed,
Oblivious to my pain and how
The silent tears fall
Drowning out reason,
Drowning out pain,
Drowing out compassion,
Only knowing what's there to gain.
I'm screaming
The blade is swinging
Closer and closer
Louder and louder
The chanting goes
Killing the girl
That nobody knows
Everything was always empty
Everything was always superficial
Everything was always meant to be
But what about the fact that I'm still me?
What about the voices I hear?
They won't disappear
What about the monsters that prowl?
And the way my heart growls
Out of hunger
Out of hate
Out of desperation
Out of hopelessness
Nobody seems to see
Nobody seems able to save
The blade is coming
It's coming closer and closer
And I see white
I'm in a bright room
I'm all alone
Ready to face my doom
To face my troubles,
To preserve my humanity,
How could I have still managed to maintained my sanity?
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