Should really be sleeping
It's 2am, and I really should get some sleep because I have to wake up early tomorrow morning to collect Cans. Doesn't sound glamorous, does it? But hey, I have my reasons to do so.
Anyway, the reason why I am blogging this now is despite it risking my complexion and to put it plainly, my beauty sleep, is because if I do not do it now, I would forget to blog about it. And then this thought would disappear into oblivion, no matter how desperately I would want to preserve it for my future self next time to reflect on.
I think at this point of my life I feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed - overwhelmed at the amount of work I have been doing, how I do not even have a free 4 hours to go scout for new work pants (cause I can't wear my jeans anymore, dammit!) , how my entire schedule just comes rushing at me. At the same time, I feel underwhelmed because despite my exploding schedule, I still have the "So is this all there is?" feeling, making me want to take up more and more things despite not having the time or commitment capacity to accept it. And it ends up in me just being irresponsible if I cannot match up to it, or it just burns me out.
Currently, it is the latter.
There are a lot of things I have yet to understand now, but at the same time, I feel I am slowly understanding more things as the days go by. I may not like it- but I still do learn. I guess we have to make the worse of mistakes in order to get to where we are. I used to be too damn practical, it was cold to the extent that I cannot imagine myself being so ever again, and later after I was out of that hellish stage, I became much too soft and trusting about a lot of things. Right now, I am still soft - and I think I will not ever break out of this because some things are irreversible. But I can feel myself changing with each day, my thinking being shaped slowly through daily situations.
As I stepped into Serena's birthday party today, I felt a little silly being overdressed (few people actually really dressed up as their characters in the end). And of course, the effect it had was the whole room of people judging you. You could almost physically feel it. And donning the least conventional of outfits did not help either - in my defence, it was a Mafia-themed party. How else would I dress?
But somehow, once I eased in when some familiar faces appeared, I guess I did not care anymore. They can judge me all they want, even if I did zhao geng by accident ( thank you so much nicole for telling me :D ). Because despite how it somehow matters in our head, it really doesn't.
As Rupaul, my idol, puts it - "If you cannot love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love someone else?"
Anyway, the reason why I am blogging this now is despite it risking my complexion and to put it plainly, my beauty sleep, is because if I do not do it now, I would forget to blog about it. And then this thought would disappear into oblivion, no matter how desperately I would want to preserve it for my future self next time to reflect on.
I think at this point of my life I feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed - overwhelmed at the amount of work I have been doing, how I do not even have a free 4 hours to go scout for new work pants (cause I can't wear my jeans anymore, dammit!) , how my entire schedule just comes rushing at me. At the same time, I feel underwhelmed because despite my exploding schedule, I still have the "So is this all there is?" feeling, making me want to take up more and more things despite not having the time or commitment capacity to accept it. And it ends up in me just being irresponsible if I cannot match up to it, or it just burns me out.
Currently, it is the latter.
There are a lot of things I have yet to understand now, but at the same time, I feel I am slowly understanding more things as the days go by. I may not like it- but I still do learn. I guess we have to make the worse of mistakes in order to get to where we are. I used to be too damn practical, it was cold to the extent that I cannot imagine myself being so ever again, and later after I was out of that hellish stage, I became much too soft and trusting about a lot of things. Right now, I am still soft - and I think I will not ever break out of this because some things are irreversible. But I can feel myself changing with each day, my thinking being shaped slowly through daily situations.
As I stepped into Serena's birthday party today, I felt a little silly being overdressed (few people actually really dressed up as their characters in the end). And of course, the effect it had was the whole room of people judging you. You could almost physically feel it. And donning the least conventional of outfits did not help either - in my defence, it was a Mafia-themed party. How else would I dress?
But somehow, once I eased in when some familiar faces appeared, I guess I did not care anymore. They can judge me all they want, even if I did zhao geng by accident ( thank you so much nicole for telling me :D ). Because despite how it somehow matters in our head, it really doesn't.
As Rupaul, my idol, puts it - "If you cannot love yourself, how the HELL are you going to love someone else?"
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