horrifying revelations.
A very odd thought crossed my mind today while I was waiting at the surprisingly-lonely 96 bus stop at 8+pm. Why am I so bochup about my health? It's like, okay, I am sick again. Like that knowledge is going to do me any good. I just carry on life as it is, secretly hoping for my body to recover by itself.
Jesus woman, you're not bionic woman or wonderwoman (even if your health was imba, you don't have the boobs to make men stop in their tracks).
And so I started to ponder on why I do not care about my health. I guess you can attribute it to my WHOLE LIFE being sick ALL THE TIME. It is almost the norm. But then again, another thought struck me. The thought said - "Just like how everyone at home laments, you're a burden to everyone because of your health."
That's when it hit me - maybe you're better off dead.
And immediately after that, I realised the reason why I get depressed so easily. It was somewhat horrifying, somewhat gratifying - not out of morbidity, but rather, that I finally managed to answer the question I have been asking myself for so long. And the answer was, "I've been suicidal since young."
Bazzinga!
I always thought that the situation around me did not bother me at all. I always, always believed that. It was only recently that I realised that it does affect me. That since young, it has drilled this "you're better off dead" mentality in me. So as a result, I'm always depressed without me even realising it. The subconscience is scary.
Which sprang up another memory in my head. It was one of the times when I almost died in my life. I was lying in my hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and vaguely watching Green Day sing "I miss you" on repeat on the MTV television channel. At that time I thought, "Well, looks like this time I'll die for good."
I had long buried that memory until it suddenly reappeared today.
And having such a revelation answered so many other questions - Why am I taking things so hard? Why I live in the moment of everyday.
And at that very bus stop, with the dim interchange light as my witness, I thought, "Fuck, you've got to stop doing this to yourself. You've fucked up your body for 20 years, it's time you took it seriously."
And I felt an unexplainable weight lift itself a little from inside me.
Jesus woman, you're not bionic woman or wonderwoman (even if your health was imba, you don't have the boobs to make men stop in their tracks).
And so I started to ponder on why I do not care about my health. I guess you can attribute it to my WHOLE LIFE being sick ALL THE TIME. It is almost the norm. But then again, another thought struck me. The thought said - "Just like how everyone at home laments, you're a burden to everyone because of your health."
That's when it hit me - maybe you're better off dead.
And immediately after that, I realised the reason why I get depressed so easily. It was somewhat horrifying, somewhat gratifying - not out of morbidity, but rather, that I finally managed to answer the question I have been asking myself for so long. And the answer was, "I've been suicidal since young."
Bazzinga!
I always thought that the situation around me did not bother me at all. I always, always believed that. It was only recently that I realised that it does affect me. That since young, it has drilled this "you're better off dead" mentality in me. So as a result, I'm always depressed without me even realising it. The subconscience is scary.
Which sprang up another memory in my head. It was one of the times when I almost died in my life. I was lying in my hospital bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and vaguely watching Green Day sing "I miss you" on repeat on the MTV television channel. At that time I thought, "Well, looks like this time I'll die for good."
I had long buried that memory until it suddenly reappeared today.
And having such a revelation answered so many other questions - Why am I taking things so hard? Why I live in the moment of everyday.
And at that very bus stop, with the dim interchange light as my witness, I thought, "Fuck, you've got to stop doing this to yourself. You've fucked up your body for 20 years, it's time you took it seriously."
And I felt an unexplainable weight lift itself a little from inside me.
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