back around the bend

Thinking back, I really took a lot of things for granted. Not just the obvious happiness, but even my friends and my family. It's a shame how we always - yes I think this word deserves to be used - forget the things that we have. And why is it only when we lose it, or when we hit rock bottom, that we realise that we have been taking things for granted? I have been constantly reminding myself not to take things for granted since the last time I hit rock bottom a few years ago where I was near suicidal, but it seems like it has not been as effective as I thought.

Happiness eludes me. In the past few months this year, I have been grabbing hold of it, feel it slip out once again, struggle to get it back, and feel the relief pour through me as I manage to again. And I think I know why I am how I am now. I depended on one thing too much for my happiness. It was a case of "As long as... I'll be able to pull through anything". Which is why I am feeling the brunt of everything now - and not just from one isolated incident.

Am I wrong to depend and trust too much? Should I just not depend on anyone or anything? Because I sure as hell cannot depend on myself. My mind is simply too wild and unpredictable. It is like Area51 to me.

I'm going to stop fighting for happiness. I'm giving up trying so hard to be happy when I'm not. On the contrary, I am going to be as miserable as I want to be, as pathetic as I want to be. I am already at a point where I really do not care anymore. The only thing I can possibly lose to now is myself. And there will come a point when all the accumulated self-hatred and anguish will snap something inside of me, when I have dissected and destroyed every single part of me that makes me, me.

It is only then that I will emerge as a whole new person. Someone incapable of falling so low and capable of behaving in such a disgusting manner ever again. Someone who will not be wrought by her own emotions, and slave to circumstances beyond her control.

And when that happens, I will get up and stare at the sun in the eye.

And laugh.