- School Work [yeah i haven't been doing any]
- Tuition [its killing me.. everyday dammit ]
- My own problems... [I'll elaborate on that later]
- Trying to continue each and every day without crying..
Yeah so anyway....
My Problems.. mainly stress, depression, family matters and affairs of myself. These few days i've been having lack of appetite, feeling so tired and faint everyday i wake up.. just feel like crawling back to bed... There's this girl in my school, who fainted. I don't know why but... when i went back to the classroom, i started crying. Don't ask why. I don't even know this girl man! Why am i crying for! And i HATE crying... sheesh dunno whats wrong with me. I just felt so.. sad... Hai.. anyway... thats basically about my depression and stress...
Next is my family matters... Haiz mom quarreling with me more, my eldest sister quarrelling too. Dunno for what freakin reason... But basically my pathetic life in that orphanage(I won't even call it a home. So i use the term orphanage but i don't really live in a orphanage la.) is still the same. Wanna know the "wonderful"details? huh?
- I eat alone. Everyone is out of the house.. either at work or out with bf...
- They all come back very late... Like 2am or so...
- Mom comes home, vents anger on me, we quarrel.
- The house is always empty... I don't even get to see my sisters for a few days sometimes...
- Dad and Mom still not talking.. the last time they 'talked' was in December last year. YES! DECEMBER! And they were arguing... so.. the last time they actually talked was probably 10 years ago. And im not shitting you~!!
- My life is still sad and miserable. Sisters dun talk to me, bla bla bla.
- Everyone shuts themselves behind their own doors.
- Family dinners only occur on Christmas or CNY.. even so, not everyone is there..
Why cant i have a normal family.. ='(><)'= *sniff*
Last but not least, my problems! haiz... As many of you who know me well know that I'm a sadistic bitch and a crappy idiot who got nothing better to do than obssess and day-dream about love... Some of you know the problems I'm facing [About *ahem*] And yeah... I'm just troubled. I get haunting dreams.. dreams that shows me running away from something, chasing after something frantically or dreams where I'm on the verge of death// Its irritating.. I wake up in the morning as if i never slept at all and my eyes are wide awake.... and because of that i feel so tired.. as if i never even slept at all.. and those dreams even haunt me in class... Halfway through class, the dream would just re-play through my head... Can't Get those voices out....
Lastly... today was Greg's Grandfather's funeral.. i attended.. it was so sad.. a few times i was on the verge of crying.. I dug my fingernails deep into my palm.. forcing myself not to and scolding myself hard in my head.. The worst part was when they sang "Ämazing Grace"at the end.. i almost broke down... That was the song that we sang for my grandmother's funeral 5 years ago.. and my cousin chevelle sang it... and everything happened as if it were yesterday.. and when a boy shouted, "Äh Kong I love you!!"in the church, tears almost flooded out of my eyes... Its even flowing out now as i write this.. believe it or not... Greg seemed so upset.. so was Eunice.. When i prayed to God to relieve their pain... The words just couldn't come out.. i was just so miserable.... And when the people were walking down the ailse, and going out of the church to go to the cremetorium, they passed me and i saw it in their eyes...
....There was nothing but sorrow, anguish and sadness... just hollow.. they're eyes were hollow...
I couldn't take it...It was horrible.. Its reminding me of everything else over and over again.. all the deaths and all that.. and how i feel so lonely in this world....It is as if everyone had abandoned me and left..leaving me so far behind... If not for my friends i think i would have broken down a long time ago... but still... Its not the same...
Haiz i tink i have said too much.. I'll stop here...
A BIG thanks to my great friends who have always been there for me... [Ali,Jaz,Audrey,Joyce,pope,Kor and others...]
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